Page 140 of Pucked Around and Found Out

Because Toren wasn't breathing.

And I thought I lost her.

“Get him in a vehicle,” I hear Carnage order someone. “Take him anywhere but here before the cops show up and see him covered in blood.”

Hands on my arms, guiding me.

I let them.

Let them put me in a SUV.

Let them drive.

I don't know where we're going.

I don't care.

I just sit there, covered in blood—theirs, mine and hers—with lips in my pockets and ash on my skin.

And all I can see is her face.

Lifeless.

Not breathing.

Gone.

We end up at the boxing gym. I don't remember telling them to come here. But it makes sense. This is where I come to beat the darkness back. Except tonight, the darkness won. I get out and head inside on autopilot. The gym is empty, dark… just like how I feel. I stand in the middle of the ring, fists clenched, trying to breathe. Trying not to see her face. Trying not to remember how still she was. How she wasn't breathing.

Worse than Em.

The thought keeps circling. Losing Toren was worse than losing Em.

How is that possible?

How can losing someone I've known for months hurt more than losing my sister?

“Because you're in love with her.”

I turn to see Cas hobbling in, his crutch clicking on concrete.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, my voice hollow.

“Same thing you are,” he says. “Trying not to fall apart.”

He makes his way to the ring, awkward with the cast, and leans against the ropes.

“She wasn't breathing,” I say.

“I know.”

“I thought she was dead.”

“I know.”

“It was worse than Emery,” I admit, and the confession feels like betrayal. “When I thought she was dead, it was worse than losing my sister. What kind of fucking monster does that make me?”

“The kind that's in love,” Cas says simply.