Page 98 of All for Love

MERCEDES

Ihadn’t seen Kody since last weekend, and I hadn’t spoken to him either. While I’d never smoked cigarettes or done drugs, I imagined my Kody habit had been just as hard to kick. With every breath I took, I missed him.

Longed to go to him.

To call him.

Hell, to go on YouTube and watch old press interviews he’d given just to hear his voice. I was a junkie and I wasn’t even going to try to deny it.

At least I hadn’t given into temptation. The office Christmas Party had been the night before last, and I hadn’t gone.

After the way I’d left, I’d been unable to show my face there. To see Kaden. Brooke. Kody. To pretend like none of it had happened.

Now, however, it was time to suck it up. I’d spent all afternoon dreading this evening, and I’d dragged my feet on packing and getting ready, but it was Christmas Eve and I had to go to Wagner Estate.

It was what my mother had wanted, and even though none of us had really spoken about what had happened, I’d texted her to ask if we were continuing with her plans for the holidays. In our only point of interaction this whole week, which had been that text, she’d simply replied:

Mom: Yes, of course. It’s the holidays. Bring mini-marshmallows for the hot chocolate. I’ll make us some to bring on our walk to look at the Christmas lights.

I’d never been so tense about Christmas Eve before. It made me wish I was a doctor or in any other career in which I could’ve pretended to have been called in for an emergency. Unfortunately, there were no such things as organizational emergency dire enough that it required my uninterrupted, immediate attention at Christmas.

The best I could hope for as I headed out the door was that Kody, Kaden, or Brooke had been more creative than I had. That they had managed to orchestrate an emergency that would keep all or at least one of them away.

First prize would be if none of them showed, but I doubted that was going to happen. Kaden, at least, would definitely make an effort to be there for his dad’s benefit. Brooke might’ve decided against it, and since she wasn’t technically part of the family, perhaps she’d decided to spend it with her own people.

That would be nice. Although the one most likely not to show up was Kody. He was also the one who I shouldn’t have wanted to see, but I desperately hoped he would be there. Even if only because he was the only one who didn’t despise me.

Or at least, he hadn’t.

He probably does now, though.

Driving him away had been the hardest thing I’d ever done, and I drove the speed limit once I got on the road, in no hurry to get there any sooner than I had to. I still didn’t know if ending things, especially the way I had, had been a mistake.

It sure felt that way, but mostly because I still truly wondered if he had been the elusive one. At times, I’d believed it so firmly that nothing could’ve swayed me, but now?

I just wasn’t sure anymore. In my heart of hearts, all I knew was I missed him and I really had thought that we’d been meant to be. On the other hand, he hadn’t exactly looked pleased when I’d said those words.

He hadn’t jumped up and down and insisted that he was the one or that we were meant to be. I supposed that was my answer right there. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Still, I’d said a lot of things I regretted and a lot I wished I could take back. At the time, it had felt like an absolute necessity to inflict as much pain as possible so that neither of us could turn back. I’d figured that if I burned the bridge to the ground, it would be for the best.

I’d never been as uncertain about anything in my life as I was about that, though. While we’d been talking and I’d been fueled by the hottest rage, all I’d kept seeing was the pain in my mother’s eyes. I’d heard all the hateful things she’d said over and over again in my mind, and then I’d realized that she’d already told me how to make it right.

Once again, she’d come through with the advice I’d needed. I just hadn’t realized it at the time, but she’d told me that Kody and I were done and it’d struck me as I’d been trying to figure it out that it was the answer. If we wanted to make things right, we had to end it. It had to be done.

As long as we could both arrive at the Wagner Estate today and not be together, everything would be fine. They’d forgive us for the mistakes we’d made. Mom and I could pretend it’d never happened while Kody could tell Kaden it was well and truly over now.

It was the best chance we had at fixing everything—even if it destroyed me in the process. The only thing I was holding on to now was that it hadn’t destroyed him as well. I knew he was probably stinging a bit, but again, he hadn’t looked particularly excited about the prospect of being the one.

Kody had never proclaimed that he wanted this to last, though. He’d never sworn off other women or told me that he wanted to change his ways.

All he’d said was that he was tired of hiding and that he couldn’t stay away from me. Mild, compared to the depth of feelings I’d been developing for him. Yeah, he’ll be fine.

Although we probably should’ve touched base earlier this week to figure out how we were going to act over Christmas and what we would say. We hadn’t done that though, and it was too late now.

I pulled into a gas station near the estate to buy the mini-marshmallows and then I spent the last few minutes of the drive trying to come up with an excuse to go back. To turn around.

As far as I knew, I hadn’t forgotten anything and I’d done enough lying and pretending recently. I didn’t want to do that now.