Page 58 of Do It With Me

Holden lingered in the foyer. His gaze followed the doctor as he disappeared. Then he turned to me. “Are you holding up okay?”

I gave a little laugh that came out so brittle that I almost winced at the sound of it. “Not really, but I’m trying. Let’s go wait in the kitchen. It’s weird to just be standing by the door.”

He inclined his chin, following me when I took off down the short hallway. I was too wound up to sit, but I motioned Holden to a chair. He leaned against the edge of the counter beside me instead, his jacket still on. His hands were in his pockets like he was trying not to invade my space by touching me right now but was struggling not to do it.

I felt his eyes on me even though I focused on the window, the restless energy bubbling in my veins making me too anxious to even look at him. “I’m sorry. I should’ve offered you something to drink already. I didn’t sleep much last night or the night before that. Would you like some tea? Coffee?”

When I finally glanced at him, his brow was furrowed. “Why haven’t you been sleeping? Has she been in pain?”

“Not exactly. She just, uh, she’s been restless.” I sighed, bringing my hands up to rub my temples. “She wakes up at two, sometimes three a.m, convinced she needs to light candles because it’s too dark. I tried leaving some lights on, but she likes candles, so…”

“Starting fires in the middle of the night is not good.”

“Or she starts breakfast,” I explained, the words tumbling out of me now that I’d started. “I caught her last week trying to fry eggs in a pan with no oil. The burner was turned up all the way. I keep waking up to the smell of something burning.”

Holden’s expression softened. “God, that’s tough. Bree’s not here at night?”

“No. She’s only here when I can’t be. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all this on you. I’m just so tired,” I whispered. “I feel like I’m living in a constant state of panic, waiting for my sky to fall.”

He hesitated, then reached out and moved his hand toward mine, not demanding to take it, just offering it to me if I wanted it. “You don’t have to apologize for being tired.”

“Yeah, maybe not, but I am sorry, though. I feel like I keep disappearing on you. I know you’ve been busy too, but I haven’t exactly been available when you’ve invited me to lunch or just called to chat.” I met his eyes, not even surprised to find that they were steady and warm.

He shook his head. “You don’t owe me any apologies at all, Ellora. This is serious. You’re doing everything you can.”

“You’re being too nice to me.”

Those lips curved into a faint smile, not quite there, but it ghosted across his mouth before he squeezed my hand. “There’s no such thing as being too nice to you. Especially not right now.”

Before I could respond, Dr. Feldman came into the room. He was holding his clipboard with his glasses perched on his nose. My stomach twisted into even more knots as soon as I saw the look on his face. I didn’t need words to know that look meant that it was extremely bad news.

“Your mother is a lovely woman, Ms. Kinney” he said gently. “I truly am sorry to say that the dementia has progressed quite a bit since her last evaluation.”

I nodded, already bracing for it. Last night, Holden had asked me to send over some documents Dr. Feldman had requested and I’d known things had gotten worse. What I didn’t know was how much worse or what it meant.

“How bad is it?” I asked, my voice coming out cracked and breathless.

He took a step closer, his expression shifting to something soft and understanding. “It’s advancing fast, Ms. Kinney. There’s not much anyone can do at this point. The best thing is to keep her comfortable, keep her routine consistent, and make sure she’s safe.”

My gaze dropped for a few long minutes. All I could do was just stare at the black and white tiles on the floor. The words there’s not much anyone can do echoed in my chest like a bell I didn’t want to hear.

“Is there anything?” I asked quietly. “Anything at all we can try? Maybe new medications or a trial, or⁠—”

“I’m afraid not.” He gave me a small, sympathetic shake of his head when I looked up. “I wish there were more options, but unfortunately, although significant progress has been made in recent years with regards to treatment of this disease, there’s still no cure and, past a certain point, no slowing it down any longer.”

Holden’s hand found mine again, his touch steady and firm. He didn’t say anything, but I could feel the tension running through him, that helpless kind of anger that came from wanting to fix something you couldn’t. Or maybe I was just projecting my own feelings onto him, but God, I couldn’t stand that medical science had progressed so far and yet, for this one thing, this one thing that could give me back even just a little bit more time with my mother, they had nothing.

Bree came in and Dr. Feldman smiled at her. “Have you got a moment, Ms. Bennett? I’d like to go over a few notes with you that might make things easier in the time to come.”

“Of course.” She waved him toward the dining area, falling into step beside him. Their hushed voices disappeared around the corner.

Holden turned to me once they were gone. “Come here, Ellora.”

I stepped closer, sliding my arms around his waist. as he wrapped his around me in turn. As I melted into his quiet strength and expensive scent, I finally let myself break just a little. I didn’t even realize I was crying until I felt the wet heat on his shirt as the ache in my chest finally broke wide open. Holden held me through it, one hand at the back of my head, the other tracing slow circles against my spine.

He didn’t say anything, or try to fix it, or even try to fill the silence. He just held me, my rock in a moment when it felt like my entire world was slipping away.

A few moments later, a small voice broke the stillness in the kitchen. “Are we going to the beach today?”