Page 83 of Changing Lanes

I open the door to the barn, leaving it open as I sneak around the side. I’m hoping he’ll go in and I can leave without facing him again tonight. He calls my name, the door slams, and I make a run for it around the corner. I think I’ll make it when he snatches me by the wrist.

“What the fuck, Torrie? What are you doing?” he yells at me. Funny thing, my father has yelled at me many times but his face has never looked like Brannon’s. He looks scared.

“Let go. Please, just let me go,” I beg him.

He’s having none of it as he drags me into his arms. “Baby, calm down. You scared me, that’s all. I’m not angry,” he repeats until I calm somewhat. “Here, come in here for a minute.”

I jerk my hand away from him, and he looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “What?”

He switches the light on, then turns to me. “Tell me why you’re upset?” I wipe my face to no avail, the tears keep coming.

“Not right now, I can’t,” I reply irrationally.

“I can’t even believe I’m asking this, but are you jealous of Ava for having my baby?” His face is marred with confusion.

“No. And for once, can we leave Ava out of this?,” I spit at him, my face red with anger.

“Then tell me why you’re so angry over Ava and Andi.” He’s bewildered, his face is pinched together in concern.

“I refuse to discuss this, I’m going home.” I wheel around, tromping to the door.

“Torrence, don’t you dare leave me right now.” His words make me falter, I turn on him. Everything I have held back for ten years comes out. At least about this subject.

“What is it you think you want to know? Am I jealous of Ava? Damn straight I am. Am I jealous that she had a child with you? Fuck yes. Am I jealous she gets to share this with you? Yes. Yes. YES. Now, do you want to know why?” He nods as his eyes narrow. “Because she has everything that should have been mine, and she doesn’t even appreciate it.” Animosity dripping from my words.

“Torrie, take a deep breath. I’m not following you.” He reaches for me, but I jerk away. I can’t calm down, I’ve held it in too long.

“Don’t touch me, I don’t want you to touch me,” I demand as my lips tremble.

“Okay. Torrie, you’re scaring me. Just tell me what you want to say.” His hands are up in the air, his eyes wide, fearful.

Shaking my head, the tears come faster. “I can’t, you’ll hate me. I’m afraid you’ll hate me as much as I hate myself.”

“No, baby. No, I won’t. I could never hate you.” His voice is little more than a whisper.

“I’m jealous she got to keep her baby. I’m mad as hell that I didn’t. I wanted it so much. A piece of you and me, together forever. Here I am, wanting a family with you, and I’m not even sure if I can pregnant again.

“I laid there for such a long time, on my bathroom floor. The pain was the worst thing I’ve ever felt, blood was everywhere. I had no one. No one to call, no one to help. I cried for what felt like hours. Finally pulling myself up to get to my phone, I called an ambulance.

“I stayed in the hospital for two days, I couldn’t tell anyone. Even if I had tried, who did I have? I was alone, losing our child on the bathroom floor while she carried Andi. I lost everything, while she got all I ever wanted.

“I hated you then.” I’m enraged with the memory. “Still, I laid there, praying you would show up. Come back to tell me you wanted me, you were there to stay. That you would take care of us. But you never came, only loss came. I wanted him, I planned to keep it from my father until I was far enough along that he couldn’t do anything about it.

“About five years ago, I got the courage to tell my mother. She cried for me, for us. For the grandson she would never get to hold. I think of him all of the time, the nightmare that claimed him. The days following when I went to the cemetery, by myself to bury him,” I explain as tears fill my eyes.

“I hated you. I hated my father,” I scream. “Most of all, I hated me. I blamed myself for mourning you for so long, for pushing myself too hard in school. All because I fell in love with you.” My chest feels tight, and I begin to gasp for air. I bend over, and he steps toward me. I put my hand up. “Don’t. Don’t you dare, not now.”

“Leave her the fuck alone, Brannon.” Ava walks through the door, and I spin around. “She’s not worth it.”

“You don’t even know me. And for your safety, you’re going to want to step away from me,” I warn her.

“Ava, leave. This is not the time for your shit,” Brannon yells as his veins pop on his forehead.

“She’s the one who killed your kid and buried it without you.” She points at me, her face red.

God help her, when I raise my arm, I slap the taste out of this bitch’s mouth. My hand vibrates when it connects to her face. Brannon grabs my arm before I swing again. Ava holds her face as she looks up at me. “Don’t you fucking dare. At least I love what he gave me.” I yank my arm from his grasp. “Let go of me, damn it.”

I storm out the door, Brannon on my heels. “Torrie, please wait,” he pleads. “Please don’t do this, don’t drop this on me and leave.”