Page 84 of Changing Lanes

I round on him, seething with tears that seem to not stop. My chest heaves with emotion. “Do. This. To. You?”

“That’s not what I mean, I’ll say anything right now to get you to stay.” The headlights from my car hit his face, he’s crying.

“No. You already have your family, it’s time for me to realize it and stop playing house.” I slam my door.

“Please, don’t leave. Please, don’t leave me.” My exact words ten years ago play in my head. Just as I stop, Ava stands by the barn door. I shake my head, putting my SUV in gear.

Roaring down the dirt drive, I slide as I hit the pavement. Slowing down a bit, I do my best to compose myself. My purse is on the floor, with my phone which keeps ringing. I’m sure it’s Brannon, but I think he has enough to deal with. Besides, they’ll want me to stay away from Andi after me slapping Ava.

All of this is my fault, I’m wrecked about it. Every fucking day, I think of him. It ripped my heart out when I held him. I buried him with Brannon’s name, Adan Winston O’Hurley, born March 4th 2007.

A perfect little boy, never given the chance by anyone. The first few years, I visited him every month. Some months, I still do. Others, it’s longer in between. But I go on his birthday, March 4th, to talk to him. Telling him how much I wish I could’ve kept him.

Opening the garage, I pull in and drag my ass in the house.

Sinking into the tub, I let the day’s events take their toll. I slide deep into the water, crying until I can’t shed another tear. My body aches, my head hurts, and my heart is a battered vessel. I pull myself from the cold water, drying off ever so little. I pull a shirt over my head and drag panties up my legs, bed has never been so welcome.

In the distance, I hear someone calling my name. Sweet, innocent voice laced with concern. She plays with my hair, cooing gently to me that everything will be alright. Wrapping her arms around me, she asks me to wake up. I feel my hair move again.

Opening my eyes, I see a smiling Thayer. Lea lays behind me, her arm around me as she sings. “Hey, baby. How are you?” Thayer whispers.

I fight to keep my eyes open, why can’t I wake up? I try to speak but my throat is dry and it comes out raspy. “Hey, what are you doing here?”

“We came to check on you, it’s been a couple of days. It was either we came or Brannon. So, One drove us over and once we knew you were okay to an extent, he left to tell Brannon,” Lea explains as I sit up in bed.

Thayer hands me some water. “You’ve been out cold, scared us at first. We shook you a few times and you mumbled.”

“We didn’t want to call an ambulance. Did you take anything or were you drinking?” Lea asks.

“No, no way. I only have five Valiums, and I’m supposed to take them as I need them to sleep.” I hand Lea the bottle from my purse. Please don’t ask me why. “Did Brannon tell you guys anything? About what happened?”

“Well, it doesn’t look like you took any. You must’ve been exhausted,” Lea says after checking the bottle.

“All we know is you had an argument. He’s called for two days, and you wouldn’t answer the gate or your door when the guard came to check on you,” Thayer recalls the story. “Oh, and you slapped the hell outta Ava. We liked that part.”

“Oh, shit. I did slap the taste out of her mouth, twat. I can’t begin to tell you how badly I hate her.” I take a drink of water. “He didn’t tell you the entire story?”

They shake their heads in unison. “No, he didn’t. And you don’t have to tell us either, we’re here for you, not your story,” Thayer says.

“Besides, Torrie. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you don’t know my story. Or Hardy’s. Life is hard, carrying your mistakes with you will always become too heavy a load,” Lea tells me.

“Mine’s bad. I’m sure it’s so much worse than yours,” I try to explain.

“Mine’s pretty bad. But, Torrie, it’s my story, of course, it’s gonna hurt me. Hardy’s hurts him. When life scars you so badly, it stays with you forever. It’s going to hurt to tell it, but it doesn’t define you,” Lea tells me.

“It’s the part of my heart that’s still in pieces.” My tears begin to fall again.

“Torrie, some of us are only made from pieces. Things left over from what tried to kill us. But we’re here. Whether we’re in pieces or on our way to being whole again. We’re here.” Lea pushes my hair from my face to dry it.

“I told you I bought a pregnancy test because I thought I was pregnant.” I nod my head at them, they nod back. “I was pregnant. I lost him. I buried him on a cold winter’s day, all by myself. Brannon thinks I’m jealous of Ava, I’m only jealous because she gets to have what I may never get the chance to have again.” Lea puts her arms around me as Thayer takes my hand.

They sit with me like this for hours, as I once again mourn my baby boy.

Helping me to the shower, Thayer stays with me while Lea orders some food. I have two pregnant women here who haven’t eaten in hours, this might get ugly. We sit together on my couch, just talking. When the gate buzzes, I assume it’s One for the girls.

They both offer to stay with me, I already feel bad enough. I still can’t believe I’ve been out for two days, I must’ve been exhausted. I greet One at the door, and he pulls me into a hug. I’ve never met people like this in my life.

“You okay?” One asks as the ladies get their shoes on.