Page 58 of Luci’s Lullaby

“Thank you.” I end the call.

Reese hooks her arm through mine as I hang my head. “Later. All you can do is take one step at a time.”

The ride to the cemetery takes no longer than fifteen minutes, but it feels as though everything is in slow motion. I watch as we stop out front and the doors open. I walk in under my own volition, but yet I can’t feel my feet.

There are no open caskets. No last goodbyes. I’m numb as I walk the aisles, thanking everyone for coming. Not for me, mind you, I know Cid would expect it from me.

As the lights lower, I know it’s time. I never saw this as my life. Not only am I an orphan but the only family I have is a little girl that I’ll be damned if I know what to do with.

Reese and Walker join me with Chord and Sarah on the front row. I listen as eulogies are read about their accomplishments and their life together. Things I want to hold dear and not share.

I’ve informed everyone I want to say something. I need to say all the things I couldn’t in that room. The place where I was a little brother for the last time. I fight between collapsing and anger every minute of the day.

I will myself to sit still. To be present when all I want to do is run. I need all of this out of my head before it ruins my heart forever. I’ve lost everything, and my will is next to go.

“I believe Alden has chosen to say something today, Alden.” The minister motions for me to join him.

I run my hand over the matching caskets of my brother and sister-in-law as I walk past them. My stomach twists as it rolls over and over. I swallow a million times, trying to hold down the bile that’s building.

I take the podium and grip it on both sides, helping me to stand. My legs wobble as I force the words from my mouth.

“Help me. Words I often said to my brother from an early age and he always did. He was my best friend and loved me unconditionally. When we lost our parents, he dropped out of school and took a job to support us. Losing his scholarship and his chance at a different life.

“I asked him once if he ever regretted it, if it was worth it. He told me, ‘you will always be worth it, and I’ll never regret being a family’. Now, I no longer have one. My best friend, my ally, confidant and brother are gone.” I hold back a sob.

“Cidney was a great man and would’ve been an amazing father, I should know, he was mine for the last thirteen years. How will I ever live up to the man he was? How will I know what to do for his daughter, how to care for her without his guidance?

“How will I ever become the man I’m supposed to be without the man he is—was to help me? He loved Shelley with a love like I haven’t seen since our parents, or Reese and Walker’s or Chord and Sarah’s.

“How will I find that great love without his knowledge and words of wisdom? Shelley was my mother; how will I ever be one to her daughter? To share a relationship like that of which a daughter should have?” I gasp, anger swarming me to the point I’m choking.

“I’ve always heard, life isn’t fair. How will I ever protect their daughter from this cruel world, when I can’t even do it for myself? I want to be a good man, a man my brother would be proud of and look up to.

“I’m not sure he taught me enough on how to do that. I know I’ll never be the man he was, but I’ll do my best to be the man he raised me to be. For Cid and Shelley. For Luci. And for me.

“I love you, Cid. Love you, Shell.” I struggle to walk as the heaviness in my chest breaks free and attempts to swallow me whole. I take the first step to find Walker reaching out for me.

I take another step and find Chord’s hand. One more step and I fall into Reese’s arms. My body’s wracked with heartbreak as I watch my brother and sister-in-law be lowered into their final resting places.

I make my way over, filling my hands with dirt and sprinkle it on to the tops of the caskets. I take two pink roses and drop them in for Luci.

Luci.

I turn and run to my truck and speed down Highway Seventeen to 421. I make it to Raleigh in record time. I park in the lot and haul ass to the NICU.

I stand at the door, inconsolable, as I beg them to see her. To hold her. I need to let her know. “Please, I need her.”

The nurse relents and hands me a gown. I put it on and wash up. She points to a chair for me to sit in and hands me my niece. “Luci Renee. Baby girl, you had the most amazing parents. I’ll never live up to them or who they were, but if you’ll allow me, I promise I’ll do my best.”

“Her name is perfect.” Her nurse smiles.

“Renee was her mother’s middle name.” I wipe my face. “Luci Renee Beck, welcome to the world, sweetheart. I love you.”