Page 145 of Before We Break

None of it is news to me, but each one hits me like a sucker punch to the gut.

Hayden hands his popcorn to Quinn and strides to the front, hands fisting and unfurling at his side as he scans the room. “When Lexi got pregnant, her mom was there for us.” His voice is shaky at first, then he clears his throat and continues with more conviction. “And when we… lost… the baby, she didn’t leave our side for a week. She took off work to stay home with Lexi. A lot of the people in this room judged us. Including you, Mom.” Karen has the gall to look affronted by the accusation, clutching at her chest. “But not Clio. She took care of us.”

His throat bobs and he looks directly at me this time. “Noah was there too. He let me lean on him when I had no one, and I think he deserves some credit for that. Even if he fucked up, he deserves the chance to make it right.”

I wish I could make it right, but I’m sorry; it will never make up for the things I said. Besides, my circumstances haven’t changed. I still don’t know where things stand with Jonah and Auggie. My life is a mess, and Clio is better off far away from me.

When Hayden is done, Janet takes the podium with one final blow. “So, you see, Noah, we all love Clio. Did you think you were going to be the exception?”

FORTY-ONE

WILLING & ABLE

♫ Willing & Able - Noah Kahan

NOAH

A shadow stretches ominously across the cliffside mere steps away from where I parked my bike hours ago. I don’t know how long I’ve been here—time is irrelevant without Clio by my side, across the hall… under my goddamn skin.

“Thought I might find you here.”

I hold my breath for the longest moment of my life as I wrestle with my conscience again. Part of me hopes he’ll disappear, the other half wishes I could go back in time and fix everything. We’re not ok, and we might never be ok again. I made my peace with that a long time ago.

Jonah takes a step forward, his face angled up at the night sky like it holds all the answers to this fucked up existence. Even with his back turned, I can see the strain in his muscles.

“I used to think we were strong enough to survive anything. When mom and dad died, I thought this is it. This is how we start over. But the demons chased me to hell and back.” He turns, running his hand through his long hair, his eyes sunken and haunted. “Turns out I’m exactly who I never wanted to be.”

I catch on the minuscule scar above his top lip, left there by an angry teenage version of me I barely remember. You wouldn’t know it was there unless you knew what to look for.

I no longer see the little boy who used to play army men with me, or the kid who made wishes on shooting stars that we’d make it out of this place someday. Not even the brother who made a blood oath that we’d always have each other. That person—my brother, younger by three whole minutes—only exists in my memories.

When I look at him now, all I see is Auggie—an innocent kid stuck in a cycle he never asked to be a part of, because my brother couldn’t keep one goddamn promise.

We were supposed to be better than them.

I can’t do this. I can’t look him in the eye and pretend everything is fine. Bygones can’t be bygones without one of us bending ‘til we break. It won’t be me. It can’t be me. One of us has to hang onto our sanity for Auggie’s sake.

It would be simpler if he’d stayed in prison. I’d still have Clio—a quiet life with a family I never wanted but can’t fucking live without.

Nothing’s ever been as easy as breathing for me when every breath takes all of my strength.

I swing my leg over the seat and adjust my position, revving the engine once.

“Sure. Walk away,” Jonah yells over the sound of my bike’s engine. “It’s what you’re good at.”

I turn the key in the ignition until the rumbling stops, leaving nothing but the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and my thundering pulse.

I throw my hands in the air. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to yell and scream at me. Fight with me. I don’t fucking care, just don’t walk away.”

I stride over, jabbing my finger into his chest. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you that you’re a piece of shit? That you fucked up your kid’s life the same way our parents fucked up ours? Is that what you want to hear?”

“If it’s how you feel. I just want us to have an honest conversation for once.”

“When have I ever not been honest with you? And when has it ever made a difference? I tried to help you, Jonah.” I turn my back on him, staring out at the water. “I did everything I could to keep a relationship with you. I paid for rehab, I offered you the apartment across the hall. I did it all, only for it to be spit back in my goddamn face.”

“You’re right. I owe you a lot. But you don’t know what it’s like to be stuck. To want more than anything in the world to not have this hunger, this need that lives inside your veins that only festers the longer you ignore it, and it’s somehow worse when you give in. You don’t understand, and I’m glad you don’t. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It killed Andrea, and it tried to take me, too. Sometimes… I wish it had.”