Page 146 of Before We Break

I turn around to face him again, conflicted by the innate need to be the big brother and comfort him and the anger simmering beneath the surface.

“You don’t get to play the martyr. Not after what you put us through. You could’ve fought harder. For Auggie.” My chest expands on a slow inhale. “For me.”

“You don’t think I know that? I hate the life I brought him into, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s here and he’s my entire world—what’s left of it, anyway.”

“We should’ve had this conversation years ago. Before Andrea died. Before you sent your kid to live in my shit-ass apartment. Before I let the best thing that’s ever happened to me walk out of my life because I couldn’t live with the thought of my past ruining everything.”

“Fuck you,” Jonah spits. “You did this to yourself. You don’t get to blame me for you being a coward.”

I want to fight back, but the truth is, he’s right. I am a coward. I let fear drive me to say horrible things to the woman I love so I could push her away, and now I’m blaming Jonah to appease my guilty conscience.

He stares at me for almost a full minute, something unreadable in his gaze. “Tell me about her.”

“Who?”

“Clio. Cici. Whatever you call the woman who made my brother fall in love.”

“What do you know about her?”

“A lot. Auggie’s obsessed with her. Emma might be a little in love, too.”

Part of me wants to keep her to myself. If I don’t deserve her, Jonah sure as hell doesn’t, but there’s a louder part that needs to tell him about her because if I don’t, it’s almost like she never existed. We used to share everything. I don’t understand it, but keeping this part of my life a secret from him feels like I’m losing her all over again.

“Do you remember what Mom was like before…” I don’t have to say more. He knows.

He runs his hand down his face. “Like a ray of sunshine.”

“Exactly. She just had this way of quieting all the noise, you know? When I was with her, everything made sense.”

“I get it. That’s how it was with Andrea in the beginning.”

I recognize the grief in his eyes. I see the same thing staring back at me in the mirror every morning. The only difference is Clio is still breathing.

He continues. “We weren’t good for each other. She brought out the worst in me, and I think I did the same for her. Maybe I didn’t give her the drugs, but I didn’t stop her.”

“It’s not your fault. She made a choice that ended badly. You couldn’t have known.”

“I could’ve fought harder.” His throat bobs on a swallow, and he holds up a large, bronze coin and flicks it at me. “Three years sober. For whatever it’s worth.”

I catch it with one hand and hold it between my fingers the way Clio used to do with her pennies. “It’s worth a lot more than you think.”

I toss it back, and he tucks it into his pocket.

“So, we broke our promise and fell in love.” He clamps a hand on my shoulder. “Do you know what the difference is between you and me?” When I don’t answer, he continues. “The love of your life isn’t gone forever. You can fix this.”

I shake my head. “You weren’t there. You don’t know how badly I fucked up.”

“I can guess.” He gives me a wry smile. “Nothing is insurmountable if you truly love each other.”

“Did you get that shit off a greeting card?”

“Fuck you. My point still stands.”

I lean against the side of my bike, crossing one foot over the other. “What’s your plan?”

“Guess I’m gonna look for a place. Keep working the program.”

“And Auggie?”