Page 32 of Haunted Spurs

Susan inspects her acrylic nails. "Yeah, no, neither of us is a cowboy... they just literally ran out of volunteers.”

DUSTIN & SIERRA

[VIDEO]

Shaky handheld footage. No soundtrack, just the heavy sound of breathing.

The camera focuses on two pairs of cowboy boots tangled together on a hardwood floor. Dustin and Sierra are slammed against the wall, physically incapable of keeping their hands off each other. They're making out with blind ferocity, hands roaming everywhere, bodies pressing desperately together, practically having live sex before the footage abruptly cuts to black.

[CONFESSIONAL]

They're completely out of breath. Her hair is a bird's nest, her lipstick is smeared everywhere, including all over his neck.

"I think we sent in the wrong tape."

Dustin wears a completely dopey grin. "We just got married."

Sierra strokes his chest, her eyes shining. "We're looking for an exciting way to conceive our first baby."

KATHERINE & SAM

[VIDEO]

Natural lighting, documentary-style cinematography.

Katherine, the archaeologist, is standing in the middle of a field. Cowgirl hat on her head, heavy-duty work gloves on her hands, digging a hole.

The camera pans smoothly to the side, revealing Sam. NHL Left Winger, just leaning against his hockey stick, which is planted in the dirt. He's not doing anything, simply watching her work with absolute, undivided attention.

[CONFESSIONAL]

Katherine sits up perfectly straight, her hands clasped strictly on her knees. She pushes her round, gold-rimmed glasses up with her index finger. "Did you know that, while combing through the archives, I found at least forty-five documented legends pertaining exclusively to this ranch?"

Sam, sitting next to her, is leaning forward. His chin is resting on the knob of his hockey stick. He isn't looking at the camera lens; he's looking at her. With an expression of pure, utterly captivated adoration.

ELM HOLLOW GAZETTE

Local News, Mild Scandals, and Absolutely Essential Truths

by Francis Grande

(Reporter, Professional Popcorn Eater, Haunted Spurs Analyst)

🌟 FRONT PAGE: MOVE OVER, HOLLYWOOD, ELM HOLLOW IS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!

Has anyone told the big LA production studios they might as well close up shop? Because, ladies and gentlemen, the real parade of stars is right here, tucked between our small-town gossip and stratospheric events!

The cast of Haunted Spurs has been revealed, and our crazy little town has proven once again that it knows how to reel in the big fish. Among the reality show contestants, we have not one, but two undisputed NHL stars: Captain Josh Roy and Left Winger Sam Sanders, ready to trade the ice for ghosts. But wait, there's more! Straight from European blue blood, we have the irreverent ex-princess Carolina (who has clearly ditched royal etiquette... and we couldn't be happier about it!), and the award-winning queen of gothic smut, our very own Selene Dusk.

Elm Hollow breeds champions, hosts rebellious royals, and nurtures literature's most brilliant minds.

Gazette Verdict: The national audience is about to lose its mind, and we are officially the coolest town on the map.

🔞 NSFW WARNING: DID DUSTIN AND SIERRA SEND THE WRONG FILE?

The question naturally arises in the dirtiest of minds: did they hit "Send" on the wrong file from their camera roll? Or did their adrenaline-fueled quest to conceive their firstborn include turning on half the country on primetime TV?

Gazette Verdict: Best wishes to the newlyweds. And congratulations... you fully understand what the producers and viewers want to see!