Page 77 of Hooked on Trouble

Some of Sawyer’s employees are here, a handful of friends, all of them several drinks in. Laughs and taunts are tossed as Sawyer soaks up the attention. All I can manage is to hang on the periphery and try to look happy.

I should be happy.

My family has never been so solid. Josh has a job, earning money to help pay for school. He should hear any day about his application, but I have no doubt he’ll get in. Nikki is sleeping better, Colin even smiling when I walk in the door. Mom buzzes around the place, doting on everyone. I’m the only downer of the group. They shoot me sidelong glances, never prying. Except Josh. The one time he asked about Raven, I snapped so fast, he held up his hands saying, “Sorry, man. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

I’m nothing but a moody troll.

“If you nurse that beer any longer, I’ll attach a nipple to the top.” Sawyer grins down at me, Kolton behind him. They kick a guy off the couch kitty-corner to mine and take a seat.

Here it comes.

Kolton swirls his bourbon. “We’ve let you wallow long enough. It’s time you tell us what happened.”

“And if I don’t want to talk about it?”

Sawyer shrugs. “We call Alessi and stick you in an interview room and force you to watch thirty-six hours of Dora the Explorer.”

I rub my eyes. “You spend too much time with your nieces.” But I once threatened Sawyer with something similar. When he screwed things up with Lily, he dropped down a rabbit hole and pushed us away. It took a night out at a club like this to set him straight, along with a threat to book him at the station. The difference between us is he had to find a way to apologize and make up for the shitty things he’d done. Raven’s apologized plenty, but I haven’t been able to get my head straight.

The boys sip their drinks. They wait me out. The bass pounds in my chest, chasing my angst. Tired of pretending I’m okay, I finish the last of my beer and set it on the white coffee table. “Aside from the fact that I’d warned Raven about her sister, she invited Nikki over to her place. An apartment with drugs and a drug dealer. And when Raven’s sister got arrested, Raven planned to be her false alibi and asked me to go along with it.”

Kolton raises his voice over the music. “Sorry, man. That’s heavy.”

I barely glance at him. “So maybe you guys can lay the fuck off.”

He raises a hand in surrender. “Mind my hair when you go for the jugular.”

Neck tense, I sigh at my tone. Hostility seems to be all I can manage these days. I count to five before I go on. “Whatever I thought we had went out the window that day. I can’t plan a future with someone who thinks that little of me. Who would put my family at risk.”

Sawyer leans his elbows on his knees. “Did she know her sister was dealing?”

“No.”

“Did she apologize?”

“Yes.”

“Then how can you blame her for looking out for her family? I bet you would’ve offered Josh an alibi if things had been that simple.”

A fresh wave of anger has me seeing red. “You want to finish your drink before or after I break your face?”

“Dude…I’m getting married in two weeks. Don’t even joke about the face.” He runs a hand through his hair, all smiles, but I hiss out a breath, unsure why I’m shaking.

I’ve burned over my argument with Raven a thousand times. Tried to figure out why my rage has felt so wild. Uncontained. I’m furious her bad judgment had Nikki somewhere she could buy drugs. Pissed Raven thought I’d support her lie. I keep spinning back to her record as a teen, wondering if she’ll always choose to shirk the law. But this, right now, is something different. This fury is aimed at my own scowling face. Because Sawyer is right: I would have crossed that line for Josh. If it had been a simpler lie, I would have done it. Knew it that night with Raven. Hated myself for it. Didn’t want to admit it.

Could my inability to contact her the past month be that base? That childish?

I replay the argument in my mind, the moment she told me if the situation was reversed she would have supported me. That’s when I felt sick. Outrage at myself had flared. Embarrassment rose. I realized I would have broken the law for my brother and she was there, an easy target. I unleashed my guilt on her. What kind of man does that make me?

Kolton leans back and crunches on an ice cube. “I hate to say this, but I agree with Captain Immature. I know what toeing the line means to you, how hard you’ve worked at the rec center and your job and with your family. It doesn’t mean you’re infallible. And you certainly won’t meet a woman who is. When the dust settled, you should’ve talked it out with her. Tried to understand what drove her actions.”

Except I’m an asshole with an attitude. “If I’d opened my mouth, told her how pissed I was, I would’ve said mean shit that can’t be taken back. It was better to say nothing.”

Every time I’ve thought about calling Raven, my temper has flared. Like it did the day I laced into Josh for stealing from our mother. I still haven’t forgiven myself for the nasty things I said to him, insults that sent him running to the streets. As mad as I’ve been, I’d never forgive myself if I hurt Raven that way. I still could have dealt with things better.

“The girls are at a bar across the street,” Kolton says. “Why not start over tonight?”

My eyes flit to the entrance, as though I can see Raven through the walls. She could be there, laughing and flirting with some guy. The possibility guts me. I may have been confused and angry lately, but I’ve thought about her every morning and every night and endless hours in between. I’ve read her note a thousand times, scrolled through every one of her texts. I’ve stroked myself to thoughts of her, fast and rough, and it levels me each time. I can’t get over her, but facing her, forgiving her, means forgiving myself. I’m more fucked up than Josh ever was.