Page 78 of Hooked on Trouble

Instead of answering Kolton, I offer to get the next round.

I suck back my whiskey and order another. Then another. Kolton side-eyes me but doesn’t comment. The buzz hits fast. That’s what you get when you rarely drink the hard stuff. The music and banter and people blur, my smile no longer forced. At some point, Sawyer gestures to me. “A hundred bucks says King Kong drives his first porcelain bus.”

I’m not sure who replies, but I sway on my feet, happy to feel light. My heart has been so saturated, so soaked with barbed thoughts that I’ve coasted through the days, no idea how to wring it out without getting snagged. My workouts and runs have done nothing to ease my turmoil, but maybe there’s something to this alcohol thing.

An hour later, or possibly two, we’re on the street, the cold air like a shot of adrenaline. Sawyer grabs my shoulders—to steady himself, or maybe me. He blinks, his pupils blowing wide and shrinking as he focuses. “You’re an idiot.”

I laugh. After drink two, everything he’s said has been hilarious.

“No.” He shakes his head, a few too many times to be normal. “Like a real idiot. When I hurt Lily, I did it because I didn’t know who I was. I was worried I’d turn out like my family and fuck her over, but you”—he slaps a hand on my cheek—“you’re the opposite. You know exactly who you are, but you expect too much of others. Raven loves you, bro. She’s been a mess. At least as messy as she gets. Don’t lose her because she hurt your pride or whatever. If you expect everyone to be perfect, you’ll have one hell of a lonely life.” He squishes my face and pats my cheek then stumbles past me.

My boots mold to the cement. It could be the alcohol or wishing Raven would walk out the door across the street, but Sawyer makes more sense than usual. It brings Raven’s words after Tim and the Legion rushing back. She said something like that. Scoffed at the hard line I’d taken with the kid. Told me I was setting myself up for a life of disappointment. It’s exactly what I’ve done. Not forgiving Raven her mistakes isn’t choosing right over wrong. It’s cowardice. Expecting perfection from myself has left me unable to cope with the choices I almost made to free Josh, and I didn’t even fucking make them.

I’ve set myself up for failure.

I really am an idiot. Or drunk. Or both. Trying to rationalize why I’ve acted as I have is like searching murky waters. The boys shout beside me, hollering some nonsense. I look up, and my knees nearly give out. The girls are dancing across the street, Raven in a sandwich between Lily and Shay. I haven’t seen her in six weeks, and I lilt forward, her beauty magnetic. Or the whiskey is unsteady in my veins.

She’s in a mini skirt and high boots, a short leather jacket brushing her hips. Fuck, do I want to go over there and hoist her legs around my waist and kiss a thousand apologies into her mouth, but I can’t get my feet to move or my thoughts to work or my equilibrium to balance. Something changes, and she squeezes out from her girl sandwich as she pulls her phone from her pocket. Her face falls at whatever she reads, then she looks up.

At me.

I’m sorry, I want to holler. So damn sorry and confused and mad at her and myself, wishing I’d talked this out with her instead of shutting down, like I do. Always festering. Wish I’d found a way to curb my frustration and used the right, calm words to explain how her actions messed me up. Instead I sent her to the station alone to deal with Rose. She made a statement and closed the door on her sister’s case and their relationship without me by her side. I should have been there for her. Forgiven her. But I couldn’t see past my bruised ego and stringent ways.

Such an idiot.

I hold her black gaze as long as I can, but staying on this side of the street is an exercise in determination, and I can’t face her like this, sloppy drunk and filled with shame. I drop my head and find a cab. Tomorrow, in the light of day, my mind clearer, I’ll make sense of the decisions I’ve made. I’ll pull my head out of my ass and find a way to make things right.

Twenty-five

Raven

Nico can’t even look at me. Our gazes collide for a minute, my spirit soars, and then he takes off and slides into a cab. I don’t know what’s worse, the dejection on his face or the text I just got. Swallowing, I reread Josh’s words:

I know something happened with you and Nico. He won’t talk to me about it, but I’ve never seen him so rough. Not sure you want to hear from me, but I got into the film school for their makeup program. Found out today. So, thank you. Wish I could say it in person.

I wish I could congratulate him. The laughter from our bachelorette party fades, any remaining joy seeping out of me like tar. Cold air slaps my face. My bare thighs tremble. Sawyer and Kolton cross the street and hug warmth into their girls, but I can’t even muster a hello.

As hard as my initial fight with Nico was, I’ve fallen into a pit of despair since I dropped that box in his apartment. Not because I signed a statement, sentencing my sister. Not because of her betrayal or the loss of her in my life. I finally understand how much I love the man I hurt, and as painful as this time has been, I want him back.

Lily was worried I’d revert to my old patterns, sleeping with men in a string of meaningless flings. But I’m done pretending. I want someone in my life. I miss trading stupid questions and talking photography and lounging on the couch. I miss sleeping in Nico’s big, sturdy arms. I’m ready for something real. If I can’t have that with him, I’ll find it with someone else. Unfortunately finding a man as good and sweet as my Sexy Beast will be as easy as turning water into wine.

I stare at my phone, oblivious to the Saturday night partiers walking the street. Pride at Josh’s accomplishment has me itching to type a reply, but what do I say? Congratulations, and yeah, I fucked up so badly your brother can’t even look at me.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Kolton nudges my elbow, his brown eyes soft with compassion.

“Seems cheap, and we don’t have pennies anymore.” My heavy thoughts weigh more than the crown jewels.

The glow from a streetlight cuts across his handsome face. His hair is loose to his shoulders, his cheeks red from the cold. He tucks his hands in his front pockets. “Shouldn’t you be celebrating?”

We glance at Sawyer, Lily, and Shay as they break into a drunken version of “Like a Virgin,” impromptu busking that has passersby snickering. I’d drop money in a hat if they’d shut up. “My Madonna is rusty. I’m more of a Death Metal girl.” He doesn’t smile. He waits out my sarcasm as I run my thumb over my phone. Each swipe weakens my defenses. “Josh sent me a message. He got into the creature design program I told him about.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Yeah. Awesome. But he also mentioned Nico’s been rough, and the way Nico looked at me just now…it’s like he can’t stand the sight of me.” When all I want to do is look and look and look.

Kolton glances across the street, as though Nico’s hulking shadow still lingers. “It’s not my place to say anything, but...”

His pause drags so long I almost wave a hand in front of his face, until I realize the secret he’s about to spill. Nico probably fled because he couldn’t face me, couldn’t tell me he’s moved on. That he’s dating. The two cosmopolitans I drank churn, and I wrap my arms over my stomach. Gastrointestinal Karma. I should run, spin around, and escape down the street, not let him drop the bomb.