Page 20 of Dead Boys Club

I don’t even know if I really want to kill myself. I think everyone sometimes wants to not exist or feels like nothing would matter if they disappeared. My mom would probably be better off if she wasn’t working such a crap job just to take care of me.

I don’t know.

9/7/2009

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)

FROM: [email protected]

yeah… i know how u feel.

i mean i think my entire family would be better off without me. except MAYBE the cat. u say ‘i dont know’ but u wrote a note. u wanted to like… not be here anymore.

dont hedge around it like i’ll infect u with Suicide Disease if u talk about it with me. dont make me feel like the only freak thinking about killing himself.

btw yes i remember u trying to ask paige to a dance and im very graciously not beating ur ass for it.

9/7/2009

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)

FROM: [email protected]

That’s not what I mean. Okay, yes. I did write the note. I do feel those things. I took the note, and I went to the train tracks, and I stood there for a while. All summer I’d memorized the train schedule. I was really tired, and I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe everything would be better if it all just stopped. But then I thought about my mom and I couldn’t do it. Some guy walking his dog thought I didn’t know there was a train coming. I was so embarrassed at the thought of someone watching me do something like that. So, I left.

9/8/2009

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)

FROM: [email protected]

ur mom is spending all this time and money on making sure u are a normal kid and u still went and stood in front of a train. i guess we’re not all that different considering rebecca and henry have tried everything from therapy to rehab. and here i am, still, sending u this email. i should be pissed but its funny. u and me.

9/8/2009

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)

FROM: [email protected]

I guess when you put it like that, you’re right. We’re kind of stuck in the same boat.

Are you going to the Oktoberfest carnival? Isaac’s mom talked to my mom and now they want us both to go. But I hate crowds. And carnivals specifically are incredibly suspect. They build those rides right on the spot, did you know that? Anything could go wrong. I just hate disappointing my mom by not being able to do normal things like go to carnivals.

P.S., I don’t know why they bother calling it Oktoberfest when it does not take place in October.

9/9/2009

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)