Page 32 of Hard to Love

“He’s scared. Not for normal reasons. Oddly enough, it’s because he thinks he isn’t good enough.” My chest heaves as I try to hold back my tears. Thinking of Hardy’s young life crushes me.

“I get it. You and Malone are amazing. People like Hardy and myself don’t accept love as easily as others because, at some point, it needs to be reciprocated. It’s extremely self-deprecating; we’re wired that way. I’ll never live up to the way your brother says he loves me.” She plays with her drink as she stares off into the distance.

“I’m not even sure what that means, Lea. Live up to what? Love? Us? Love is love. Can it be profound? Yes. Can it be fucked up? Yes. But at the end of the day, it’s about you and the one person in this world who doesn’t care if you’re a fucking mess. They just want to be in that fucked up shit with you. One and I both have made dumbass mistakes in our life. We have regrets.” Lea studies me and my words before questioning me.

“Thayer, what if it doesn’t work out? You’ve given everything to him, and the truth is, there’s still so much you don’t know. Malone doesn’t even know everything about him. Malone and I are still learning; I’m not sure where we’ll end up.” Lea waits for my answer as if her life depends on it.

“Maybe it won’t. Maybe we’ll be together for a hundred years, Lea. What are you asking me? Will I regret loving him? Will I regret laying it all out there on the line, to love him for as long as possible? No. No, Lea, I’ll not regret it. I’ll love him until I can’t. I know it’s fast. I know what people will say if it doesn’t work out. But if I don’t try, if I don’t love him with everything I have, I’ll regret that. I’ll regret missing out on a man who has fought his whole life to find love. To find someone who won’t leave. To have someone that will love him despite his mistakes and missteps. What greater love is there than a love we don’t deserve? Man, to live with the love of your life, not deserving of it but working every day to try. Both of you working together to make the other person think you deserve their love. I can’t stop this; I’ve tried.” We both wipe away tears as we think about our greatest loves.

Lea and I walk to the beach after that, sitting there, allowing the surf to be the only thing we hear. The tides beating against each other, fighting to be at the top of the wave. How often do we dream of finding love? Ripping ourselves apart, destroying all our bad parts, hoping to rise to the top?

My stomach twists and turns, thinking about Hardy. What if we don’t work out? We are so different. Some say opposites attract. Are we too unalike that we’ll not work? I have no clue. All I know is I want Hardy. All of his scars and bruises. His mistakes and misgivings are a part of who he has become. I can’t hold his past against him. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to be held to a different standard.

“Lea, have you been completely honest with One? I think I could handle anything life could throw at us, as long as Hardy is honest with me. I just need to know what I’m facing before the world knows.” Glancing over at Lea, I know her answer before she says it; she hasn’t been candid with One. What the fuck?

“I haven’t. I’m not ready, Thayer. I’m scared. I have a lot to lose. I don’t know what that’ll do to us. I don’t want to think about it. I know I need to tell him, and I will. I pray it’s not too late or too much when I do.” Lea’s eyes never leave the ocean as it rages toward us, pounding the shoreline.

“I hope Hardy’s told me everything, Lea, but I have a terrible feeling he hasn’t. Even so, I know I’ll always love him, no matter what happens.” She leans her head over on my shoulder. We sit for another hour, watching the water crash in on itself, resembling our twisted souls.

Trudging back to reality, Lea walks me to my truck, hugging me tightly before I leave. Sending up a silent prayer, I ask that she and One work through the problem they’re having. I love them both and want them to be happy.

As for myself and Hardy, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. Giving him children that look like him and think like me. The thought makes me laugh out loud. I’m optimistic he’d agree. He thinks I’m so much more intelligent than him. I might be book smart, but Hardy’s street smart. There’s no learning that in a classroom or textbook. Street smarts are earned only one way, by fucking trial and error.

Stopping by the grocery store, I pick up chicken breast and heavy cream. I’m planning to make chicken Alfredo tonight. I didn’t think to ask if Hardy likes it. Although, it seems as though he’ll eat anything. I need to get back over to Lea’s and have her teach me to make her gravy and biscuits.

Lulu greets me at the door, happy someone is home. She’s a gorgeous dog, pure breed Collie. Sweetest-natured animal I’ve ever been around. Come to think of it, she’s the only dog I’ve ever been around. Following me to the kitchen, I fix her food and water, to which I get kisses for my food-making abilities. We talk as I wash my hands and begin our dinner. Lulu lays just out of the kitchen watching me.

A noise from the patio startles us, and Lulu jumps into action. She races for the patio door, growling her dislike of whatever is on the other side. Taking her by the collar, I try to pull her away from the door, but she won’t budge. It’s then I notice her hackles raised, raising every hair on my body. My phone’s in the kitchen. Hardy’s still not home, and I’m optimistic Lulu wouldn’t be this pissed about him being late.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. The incredible sound of my phone’s text messages frightens me at first. Dashing to it, I snatch it up, speed texting Hardy to hurry home.

Hardy: Hey, babe. Almost there. Need anything?

Me: YOU. Lulu’s going off. Noise on the patio. We’re nervous.

Hardy: OMW.

Rounding my kitchen door, I hear screeching tires out front. No doubt, it’s Hardy.

Chapter Seventeen

Hardy

One’s silence makes me wonder if we’re going to the job site or a burial site. I knew he was going to be pissed, but damn, it’s as though I’ve ruined her. Maybe I have. One and I both know Thayer deserves better. My shortcomings will never measure up to the fantastic person his little sister is; we both know it.

“So I’m sorry, dude. I should’ve been upfront with you.” Wringing my hands, I shift in my seat like I’m sixteen and waiting on my prom date. Damn.

Still, he sits there, stone-faced and reserved. It fucking pisses me off. What the fuck? Yeah, dude, your sister is better than me, but I love her. I’m going to do my best to make her happy. To be the man she deserves and needs. By God, I’ll do whatever it takes.

“Fine, asshole. Can she do better? Probably. But I’ll be goddamned if anyone will. I love her, man. I’ll do anything to make her happy and proud of me. So with or without your approval, I’m gonna love her.” There, fuck you.

One steps on the brake as he skids to a stop on the edge of the road. Staring out of the windshield, his hands fist the steering wheel. Shifting in his seat, he looks me in the eyes.

“Bullshit.” One glares at me, waiting for a response. Fuck it. If I have to lose my best friend, at least it’s over, Thayer. I’ll take her any day.

“Say it, mother fucker. Go on, say what the hell is on your mind.” I square my shoulders.

“Who the hell are you trying to fool?” Placing his forearm on the wheel, he leans back against his door, narrowing his eyes.