Page 19 of A Highland Family Affair

Olivia chewed her lip for a moment. ‘But… isn’t it supposed to be anonymous? Lots of people know who I am in Inverness after the press coverage for the castle… I wouldn’t want to make it difficult for you.’

He nodded and waved a dismissive hand before he turned. ‘You’re right. It’s fine… I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.’ He headed for the door.

Guilt niggled at Olivia’s mind, and she fidgeted with her pen. ‘Wait.’ He stopped and turned to face her, a hopeful look in his eyes. She took a deep breath. ‘Of course I’ll come. What time are you going? I can drive if you like.’

A smile tinged with relief spread across his face. ‘Thank you, Olivia. I really appreciate it. We’ll need to set off just after six if that’s okay.’

She smiled. ‘Sure. That’s fine. How have you been? You know, with the alcohol? Any relapses?’

He shook his head. ‘To be honest, I think Michael’s death flicked a switch in me. Seeing what it can do, how it can destroy someone… Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been tempted. Every time I feel wound up or stressed, the first thing I think about is reaching for a drink but… I haven’t.’

‘That’s really great, Kerr. Well done.’

He scratched his chin, clearly uncomfortable with the praise. ‘Aye, thanks. I see Noah’s still here. I bet he wasn’t too happy to see me back.’

‘What happened there, Kerr? With Jade, I mean.’

Kerr chewed the inside of his cheek. ‘It was a stupid mistake. We were both drunk. Noah was away. It was just a fling. It meant nothing but I think that makes it worse in a way. It broke their engagement up for nothing. I should steer clear of romance of any kind, I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. I’ll steer clear of the café, I think. I don’t think he’ll be as forgiving as you, that’s for sure.’

Olivia smiled sadly. It might not be a bad idea unfortunately.

‘Right, well, you look like you’ve got stuff to be doing so we’ll leave you to it. Come on, Lancey, let’s go get a snack.’ The dog wagged his tail at the upbeat tone of his master’s voice and obediently followed as Kerr left the room.

Kerr and Olivia walked into the stark-looking room in what appeared to be an old post office. White fluorescent strip lights illuminated the space in an unforgivingly harsh, bright hue. Worn-out carpet tiles covered the floor, the wear showing the path to the original counter, and Olivia wondered why this place had been chosen and not somewhere a little more… pleasant. The windows were covered in a frosted film to avert prying eyes, at least, and a combination of odd wooden and plastic folding chairs that belonged on a patio were set up in a circle.

Kerr went over to speak to a man with grey thinning hair, wearing a navy-blue Fair Isle-style jumper and jeans. An official-looking lanyard hung around his neck. They chatted briefly and then the man pointed to a table on which hot water urns stood along with teabags and a jar of instant coffee. A bowl sat beside them containing single-portion cartons of milk, the likes of which you find in cafés. A few people were milling around getting themselves a drink and a low hum of chatter could be heard. Everyone seemed fairly relaxed, which Olivia found comforting.

Kerr returned to Olivia’s side. ‘Do you want a tea or coffee? I’m too nervous to drink anything, ironically.’

She shook her head. ‘I’m good, thanks.’

He pointed to a chair on the back wall. ‘You can sit over there if you like. Or… you can sit by me, whichever is fine.’ It was clear in the way he shrugged that he was trying to be nonchalant.

Olivia reached out and touched his arm. He was shaking. ‘What would you prefer?’

‘Sit by me?’ He almost pleaded with his eyes.

She nodded and smiled. ‘Of course.’ A few people glanced in her direction, and she saw flashes of recognition in their eyes, which caused her stomach to knot.

Kerr nudged her. ‘Don’t worry, it’s all confidential. You won’t end up in the newspaper shamed by your older brother,’ he said, but his jocular tone was accompanied by a concerned crumple to his brow.

She whispered, ‘Hey, I’m not ashamed of you, okay? So get that thought out of your head. I’m proud of you for being here.’

His face lit up for a moment until the man wearing the lanyard called the meeting to order. Everyone sat down and Olivia joined Kerr, squeezing his hand in encouragement.

‘Welcome, everyone. I’m Steve. Just a quick reminder of the ground rules since we have new members here tonight. First names only, and it goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway, what’s said in this room remains in this room. Any questions?’

One by one people shared their stories; some told of their struggles and some their wins from the week. Eventually the man looked at Kerr. ‘Now, Kerr, no pressure but would you like to share anything this evening?’

Kerr cleared his throat and his face flushed. Olivia could see his leg juddering in her peripheral vision, and he lifted his hand to chew on his thumbnail. ‘Erm… Hi, everyone…’ She heard him swallow, and it was clear his mouth was dry as the Sahara. ‘I’m K-Kerr. And I’m…’ His chin trembled and his eyes welled. He cleared his throat. ‘I’m an alcoholic.’ There was an element of surprise to his voice and Olivia wondered if saying the words out loud made it all feel a little more real to him. Her body flooded with empathy.

A rumble of greeting travelled around the people present and as Olivia glanced at their faces she saw no judgement, only understanding.

Kerr continued, ‘I’m here because… Well, I’ve hurt a lot of people. My drinking has been out of control for quite some time now but in recent months it’s gotten lots worse. And when I drink, I’m cruel, I’m unpleasant to be around and I make stupid decisions.’ Olivia saw some of the attendees nodding as he spoke. ‘I ruined my relationship with my parents, both of whom are no longer with us, so I can’t tell them how sorry I am. I’ll never be able to make it up to them and show them how much I love them, and I have…’ He shook his head, and his voice broke as he carried on, ‘so, so many regrets.’

Olivia’s throat constricted and she reached out to take his hand. He glanced at her briefly and she saw a flash of gratitude and affection in his eyes.

‘You see, I’ve grown up with what you would no doubt consider a privileged background. And I took so many things for granted. But looking back, I know now that you should never, ever presume anything of anyone. Especially when you’ve been the worst version of yourself in their presence. I found out the hard way and I’ve spent most of my adult life being bitter and twisted. Taking my anger out on those I should have been supporting.’ He glanced briefly at Olivia again. ‘My mother went to her grave thinking the worst of me, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. She didn’t deserve any of it. She was a loving and wonderful mum, and I caused her so much pain.’