Page 5 of Falling for the Hotshot

“But—” I started to say, before I thought it through. “For how long? Grandma is going through a lot to get there, and...” I trailed off, suddenly realizing “calling off” was much different than “putting off.” A delay was different from cancelling. Still, my mind considered he was going through something so intense, that calling it off must have been the only option. And in this option, we were still together. The wedding just wasn’t happening like we had wanted. Like I had planned. This must have been some emergency.

Turned out, the emergency was that he met someone else. Her name was Suzie, like some 1950s spunky waitress that wore polka-dots and danced the Jitterbug. The images of this woman ran rampant in my mind, her laughing at his ill-timed jokes. Her pulling a brisket out of the oven whilst wearing a frilly apron. I didn’t know why I thought of her in this vintage lens. Perhaps, it was easier than imagining he had chosen someone else in my realm.

Though he vehemently denied cheating on me, he professed that he and Suzie were soulmates. The star-crossed lovers met in school. She wanted to be an anesthesiologist. He wanted to be a surgeon. How cute. A real power couple. I couldn’t hear the rest of the ways they went together through my ugly crying. I didn’t want this to be real. When Ray was finally done explaining why he needed to be with Suzie, instead of me, he said one tight-lipped apology.

“I’m sorry we weren’t meant to be,” as he walked away. And just like that, eighteen months down the drain. I wondered if he’d already told his family. I wondered if they had already cancelled the wedding things that they had organized. Part of me wanted to call them and see if they knew what their son had just done. I wondered if they were relieved that he was marrying someone more of his caliber. Someone who could pull her own weight. Yes, there was a part of me that wanted to call. That wanted to know… while the other part of me wanted to never speak to anyone I knew ever again, and that's how I got to where I am right now.

*****

I did what anyone in my newly single, jobless, and borderline state of total shock would do: I called the phone number on the ad for the Maple Haven Fire District. I talked to someone, while trying not to divulge the mental state I was in, in fear of being deemed incapable of making such a decision. Incapable of choosing to flee from everything and everyone I knew until there was no more fire threat. In this drought, it could last forever, I supposed.

Taking a full page of notes, I learned everything I needed to know about it. They were eager to fill the position, and I was eager to jump ship. All I needed to do was have a one-on-one training session, but luckily for me, they were able to set that up for me immediately. First thing on Monday morning, I would learn all that I needed to know about being a firewatcher in a remote tower that overlooked the landscape, and then that night, I would be sleeping in a tower. I was basically Rapunzel, except my hair went to the middle of my back, and for that, I was happy. I’d shave my head before allowing Ray to use it as a rope.

Now, I supposed the furlough of my job was the least of my worries, considering how quickly I was able to obtain gainful employment, but my last day at work, on a Friday, which usually brought in dozens of volunteers for various efforts, was especially hard. Everyone thought I’d lost my mind for taking this job. But they weren’t me.

Even before I was dumped, the hot words like, “solitude” and “peacefulness” appealed to my soul in a way that I couldn’t explain. Those were two things that I had found a great need for in my life lately. And maybe now, a break from my church family who were trying to convince me otherwise would be a blessing. Being a seasonal firewatcher in a high tower in the middle of the wilderness in Wyoming might have been something that I would get bored of, sure. But I would see it through, no matter what. I was the kind of person who stuck it out when things got hard. I didn’t just give up and run.

Had I lost my mind? Truthfully, I couldn’t tell anymore. I was in no position to tell where my mind was anymore after being dumped so close to the wedding.

Well-meaning people treated it like I had accidentally spilled fruit punch onto a pair of white pants at a Labor Day lake house barbeque. The faux-pas of the year meeting a nearly violent end. They expected me to laugh, feel a little embarrassed, grieve for a seemingly fitting thirty-seconds, and move on. But until they’d been dumped mere weeks from their meticulously planned wedding and had to make all of the phone calls to the venues, the vendors, and send out smoke signals to everyone their mother made them invite, including my nosey cousin Becky who replied with a peppering of questions more intense than the FBI, they didn’t get to tell me how to feel.

Becky was only feeling extra confident because of her recent relationship development. She’d started dating a guy, whom I didn’t know or care about, but she’d made sure she “accidentally” sent a picture of them to me shortly after she heard the news from her mother, my mother’s sister, about my broken engagement.

“Oops,” she said in a text, moments after I received a photo of a pair of hands holding. “I meant to send that to Adam, not Autumn. Silly me.” Right, I thought to myself.

Chapter 7

Wind Shifting

Autumn

“What do you mean, you’re leaving for a few months?” My father threw his newspaper back down on the kitchen table, standing up in protest.

“I’m not leaving.” That was a sensitive word in my life these days. My father looked at me with confusion and then his face was filled with concern and the familiar dash of pity. Both of my parents looked at me like I was rejected by their dream son-in-law, which was very true, but hurtful, nonetheless. “I was laid off from the church, maybe temporarily, but I’m out of a job. Now, I’ve taken a last-minute job as a firewatcher for the remainder of the fire season. The person who was performing this job had to suddenly leave for an emergency medical reason.” A very valid reason for leaving.

“Well...” My father looked away, probably praying for the words to talk some sense into me. Meanwhile, I felt God’s hand in my very unfortunate situation, leading me towards this. I considered telling this to my father, but instead, I just let him speak. “Where is it at?” He turned back to me, his face showing genuine interest. Perhaps just to use as ammo to talk me out of it. Some morsel of information he could cross his arms at and forbid I do it.

“It’s in the wilderness outside of Maple Haven.” He nodded and then surprised me by following up with a smile.

“Good, still in Maple Haven, at least,” he said, like he was recalling his best memory as he closed his eyes. Suspicious scents of cinnamon filled my senses, when I realized he was already drinking his favorite fall brew coffee. “The fall colors of Connecticut have nothing on our pocket of Wyoming,” he said, before taking a long sip of his coffee. As we stood there, I waited for his verdict on whether or not his twenty-something daughter could take a job. I waited some more. I felt stupid for waiting, as I was wrestling with the fact that I was an adult and could still do the job even if my parents didn’t like it. That was a part of growing up. But despite it all, there was still a deep, engraved part of my soul that didn’t want to go against my parents’ wishes. Something about honoring my mother and father, taught to me from the Bible in Sunday school, that I still hoped to achieve.

“Well?” I asked for the second time this month. The first being when Ray was stalling, before he told me about his real future wife. Suzie, the homemaker from Michigan, who will also be a doctor, and will also run marathons, and write award-winning papers for medical journals, while raising their six children who will all be destined for athletic achievements because Suzie carries the genetics of a swan.

“I suppose it will be a good experience for you, dear. Get out of town for a bit. Have a different change of pace.” And just like that, my parents were on board with it. To be fair, my mother didn’t know about it yet. Because she was on the phone in the other room with Grandma, trying to explain to her that the wedding was off. I didn’t think the disappointment was going to feel any less after Grandma heard the news. It would only get harder from here. Surely, my mother would be worn out after another phone call where she had to break the news that she wasn’t going to be gaining the beloved Ray Lander as her son-in-law. The only disappointment greater than my own was probably hers. I had failed the family—robbed them of the experience. Never mind that Ray was the one in the wrong.

“Thanks, Dad.” Before we could share a full heart-to-heart moment of father-daughter bonding, my mother stormed into the room, putting the landline phone back on the receiver. My parents both had cell phones, tablets, smart devices that they could talk to in the house, but refused to get rid of their landline because it was the only number Grandma knew by heart. It was actually sort of sweet. But right now, this moment felt anything but sweet as she threw her hands up in the air.

“I broke the news, and now she’s calling an ambulance!” She stifled back a cry as she crossed her arms and tapped her foot.

“Why is she calling…” I stopped asking midway, when I realized I didn’t need to. The full recap was coming.

“I explained how you and Ray,” she motioned to me with her finger, “decided to not get married, and not a minute later, she came down with heart palpitations.”

“Oh no. Is she okay?” I was equally filled with concern when it dawned on me that my mother was implying I was the cause of the palpitations. The generational shame I gave them was the reason that Granny needed to call 911.

“She’s not okay. No one is.” My mother walked over to the window and stared out at the lawn, blankly.

“So, if I called her right now, she wouldn’t be able to come to the phone because she’s on the other line with 911?” My mother shrugged. “And if she really was calling an ambulance, wouldn’t you be calling your sister to rush over to her house? Doesn’t Aunt Meg live like two blocks away from Grandma?” My mother threw her hands up in the air.