Page 118 of Home Ice

He doesn’t answer, but he’s still radiating that too-happy, almost smug energy, and I really don’t know how to take it. He’s being an adorable fool, and when I compare this Hawke with the one who came back to town a few months ago, the difference is night and day.

How the hell am I going to say goodbye?

We hit the dirt track, and I push that firmly to the back of my mind. I refuse to bring any worries with me, and there are still a few weeks until Hawke leaves, so I need to soak up all the time with him I can get.

Sunset is already kicking in by the time we get to the river, and Hawke pulls up in the empty parking lot, cutting the engine and climbing out of the car to go and sit on the hood.

I join him, and this time, we sit shoulder to shoulder, soaking in each other’s warmth, coffee cupped in my hands in front of me.

“It’s been a big day,” he finally says.

“Yeah?” I tilt my head to look at him, the sunset giving his face an orange glow.

“Gigi and I went out to lunch. It was fun. Told her a bunch of things … about you.”

I study his face, trying to work out if he means me in general, or me as in us. “Like what?”

He chokes on a laugh. “Like how I’ve been in love with you basically since we met and I was too young and stupid to realize.”

That word again. We’ve avoided it since the one time it came up, but hearing it now has my heart going all funny. This isn’t a confession. He said it more like a fact. “That makes two of us.”

Hawke reaches for my hand without looking, and when my fingers slide between his, it feels right. “I don’t want to leave.”

The words make me freeze. “But … but you have to.”

“I know.”

I’m too scared to let hope sneak in. “Maybe … in three years …”

He pushes his sunglasses up into his hair and turns to face me. “I can’t wait three years, Tai. I can’t. Leaving the first time almost killed me, and I can’t go back to that. I need you in my life.”

“But—”

“All I need to know is that you want this too. Boyfriends, commitment, the whole thing.”

I want to jump in with both feet and not think about the rest, but ignoring our problems doesn’t make them automatically go away. “So, what? We do long distance for three years?” It’s not that I won’t, but it also won’t be easy, no matter how much we love each other.

His hand tightens in mine. “St. Louis is about to offer Lachlan Kikishkin a really big contract. We’ve got some other up-and-comers, and our team has a lot of depth. Montreal, however …”

I latch onto the suggestion. “Is only two hours away.”

“And is a team with an out player on their lineup, so I won’t get any shit there. They have the space for me.”

I squeeze his hand back. “And you really think St. Louis will let you go?”

“Not this season. But we have some strong defensemen up for renewals next year, and they could use the cap space.”

“But … everyone says St. Louis is heading for the Stanley Cup finals in the next few years. You’d miss that. You’d walk away from your career, never having won the Cup. Isn’t that the whole point?”

Hawke watches me for a really long time. “I used to think so.”

“Used to?”

“I know better now. You’re the whole point, Tai. You and Kasen. Being with the people I love. In Montreal, I’d be two hours away. Maybe less. Every weekend I’m home, we could spend together. You and Kasen could drive up for home games. I could drive down whenever I have a few days off. It … it would be perfect.”

“It might not happen.”

“I know Coach. When I tell him about Kasen, when I lay it all out, I know he’ll use this next year to make it all happen.”