Page 89 of Seein’ Red

White-hot, intense emotion slices through me, like a dagger through flesh. It’s a mix of hurt, confusion, and anger. Willa isn’t the only one this news affects, and her turning on me like this adds an extra layer to all the things I can’t begin to process in this moment. She’s not the only one who gets to be upset.

She also doesn’t get to dictate how this goes down.

“And what if it’s what I want, huh?” I shout back, stomping toward her. “Did you ever think of that?”

“It’s not what you fucking want, Nash. You said it yourself. You were doing the right thing. Well, you don’t have to anymore.”

“Maybe not for that reason, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make a go of it.”

Movement behind Willa catches my attention, and my eyes flick upward briefly to catch my twin and all our friends intently watching us. Like we’re a soap opera playing out in front of them. Everyone is stock still, the looks on their faces betraying that they are too afraid to move and distract us.

Except Noel.

His eyes meet mine, and he gives me a solemn nod. A silent encouragement that can only come from the person who knows you better than you know yourself. A vote of confidence that I desperately need right now.

“Make a go of it? Are you fucking insane?” Willa lobs back. “There is no reason to now. We can both stop pretending like there was ever a chance anything between us could work.”

Pretending…

I don’t know who she thinks was pretending. Because it wasn’t me. And the look in her eyes last night as we came together tells me it wasn’t her either.

“I wasn’t pretending.”

My voice is harsher than I mean for it to be. It’s full of hurt and frustration and all the things swirling inside me. None of which are going to give off the loving and comforting vibe she needs. That I need to use to prove to her she’s it for me. Instead, it’s all laced with reactionary feelings to her own answer.

“The only thing I’ve been pretending for the last ten years is that I didn’t want more. That being at odds with you was just fine by me.”

That, and that other not so little lie…

“Whatever, Nash.”

Willa turns to walk away, the girls shifting slightly from their stance at the bar, unsure if they should follow or not.

“Don’t whatever me!” I holler, my temper flaring. “I know you, Willa. Better than anyone else in this room. So I know it’s not whatever to you. And you know what, it’s not whatever to me either. Because none of this was ever about you being pregnant.”

There’s a small gasp from the peanut gallery behind me. I have no idea who it was—my guess either Kenzie or Sylvie—but it’s enough to stop us all in our tracks.

“Bullshit,” Willa scoffs, recovering faster than I do.

“It’s not. It’s about you, Willa. Because it’s always been you. How do you not see that?”

“Ha!” Willa’s whole body lurches forward as she reacts, projecting her reaction as if she were vomiting the word up. Her face twists like it all left a bad taste in her mouth, eyes going wide with a fiery anger. “That’s what this last week was supposed to show me? What dropping to your knee to do the right thing was supposed to prove? How about the last decade of our life, huh? Everything you’ve done? That was all because you had feelings you were hiding?”

“Yes.”

“Sure it was, Nash. Like I’m really supposed to believe that.”

The flippancy in her voice pokes at me. Repeatedly hitting the big red button of my last nerve. No one knows how to get under my skin like Willa Hayes, and I have to remind myself of that. That I can’t lose my cool. I need to remain calm.

“It’s the truth.”

“Suuuuure it is. How convenient that it’s only coming out now, when you’re about to lose your opportunity to regularly get laid.”

Willa lifts her brow in a challenge, and I snap.

“Damn it, Willa!” I scream, stepping toward her, throwing my arms out wide. More movement out of the corner of my eye distracts me for a second. I know we’re putting on a hell of a show, and this escalation only fuels that more. But I don’t care. “It’s been you since I was old enough to have a dirty thought. Pretty sure the first time I jacked off was to the thought of you. Do you not get it? Everything—all of it—has been to impress you. Helping with your pageant bullshit, stuff around here. All of it, Willa. Because I love you and haven’t ever fucking been able to say that out loud.”

I fucking love you, Willa Hayes…