Page 29 of Lay Down the Law

“Look, I know what it’s like to feel responsible for something, even when you’re not.”

“You know, Nick, I’ve had just about all the cop psychoanalysis I can take.” Jerking her robe off the back of the sofa, Erin rose abruptly and headed toward the kitchen, pulling it over her shoulders as she went.

Nick knew better than to go after her. She looked shaky at best. He didn’t want to take a chance of her falling apart on him. But he’d reached the point where he needed answers about what had happened that night. “You can’t let the guilt eat at you. You can’t keep blaming yourself. You’re going to end up getting hurt.”

“What happened today wasn’t my fault.”

“I’m not talking about today.”

At the kitchen entry, Erin spun to face him. “Wouldn’t you be a little disturbed if you were responsible for putting your partner in a wheelchair? For ending a man’s career? Wouldn’t you feel a little guilty if he hated you so much he couldn’t look you in the eye? That his wife couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice when you called to check on him? That the only reason you continue to put yourself through it is because you feel so guilty you can’t stand it? His kids look at me like I’m the devil incarnate, Nick. How would you feel?”

He crossed the space between them. “Maybe I’d feel guilty. But I don’t think I’d be blaming myself when I’d been cleared by a bunch of veteran cops who know the ropes.”

“I walked into a dangerous situation that night with one goal in mind—to make that bust no matter what the cost. I didn’t consider the possibility that someone might get hurt. I didn’t think about Danny. Or his wife. Or his two kids.”

“A cop can’t be effective if he dwells on—”

“I froze up! I didn’t react until both of us were down.”

“Why did you hesitate, McNeal?”

She blinked at him as if the question had stunned her. “The shooter…he was just a kid….”

Another piece of the puzzle fell into place. “You’re not the only cop who’s ever hesitated for that reason,” he said.

“Look, Nick, I know you’re trying to help. But you’re not. I don’t need your amateur-shrink bull. I’m handling this.”

He snorted. “I can tell.”

Her nostrils flared. “Spare me the sarcasm. This is hard enough without you—”

“All I’m trying to tell you is that you don’t have to deal with this alone.”

“I’m the one who got my partner shot. Who else should deal with it but me?”

“Danny Perrine wasn’t the only one who got shot that night, McNeal. You took a bullet, too. You risked your life and you’ve got the scar to prove it. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe both of you are alive today because of you?”

“That sounds really good, Chief. It even makes me sound heroic. But we both know that’s not how it really happened, don’t we?”

Nick raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. “You know, McNeal, if we were anywhere but Logan Falls, I’d yank you off the street so fast you’d get whip-lash.”

A short laugh broke from her throat. “Careful, my confidence is soaring.”

“You’re not helping matters.”

“Leave it alone, Nick. I don’t want to discuss this with you. I don’t want to—”

“Deal with it? Level with me? Be truthful with yourself?”

“How about all of the above?”

“You’d rather wallow in guilt? Funny, but I didn’t peg you as the wallowing type.”

“That’s not fair. None of this has been easy to take.”

“Ah, there you go again, talking about fair. Haven’t you learned by now that fair doesn’t enter the picture when it comes to real life?”

“I’m not going to have this conversation with you.”