Page 53 of Certified to Handle You 3

Pluto stayed quiet, and I looked down at my hands ‘cause I ain’t have nothin’ quick to say.

Toni rubbed her thumb along the side of her glass. “Four days ago, we was in a whole different place. Now my husband lookin’ at me like he gotta protect the peace in our house from me too, and I hate that shit.”

“Toni,” I said soft.

She shook her head and looked over at me. “I’m not sayin’ that to make you feel worse, ‘Nelle. I’m just tellin’ you why I been quiet. I love you, and I’m always gon’ love you, but I’m somebody wife too. I can’t keep movin’ like Kay’Lo don’t got a reason to feel how he feel just ‘cause I understand why you came here.”

My eyes filled, and I nodded ‘cause she was right. I had known it, but hearin’ Toni say it made it real in a way I couldn’t step around.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry, Toni. I don’t want you and ’Lo goin’ through all this ‘cause of me.”

“I know you is,” she said. “And I ain’t mad at you for comin’ to me. You my cousin, and I’m always gon’ love you. But I’m also married to a crazy ass nigga, and I gotta live in that house when all this shit cool down. I can’t keep movin’ like Kay’Lo feelin’s ain’t real just ‘cause I understand yours.”

I nodded again, and this time a tear slipped down before I could stop it. “I’m not pressin’ you to take my side.”

“I know,” Toni said. “But I’m in the middle even when you don’t press me. You and Kay’Lo both got pieces of me, and y’all both hardheaded as hell in different ways. Then Renza somewhere hidin’ from everybody, and Pressure over there tryna get his house back from all this stress. Pluto holdin’ you together like she ain’t got a whole husband and babies to worry about. It’s a lot, ‘Nelle.”

Pluto gave Toni a soft look, then reached across the table and touched her hand. “It is a lot.”

Toni nodded, and for a second, all three of us sat here quiet ‘cause nobody knew what to say.

I looked at both of ‘em, and my chest hurt ‘cause I could see what my pain had done.

Pluto was gentle with me, but she was tired. Toni loved me, but her marriage was feelin’ the weight of it. Pressure was lettin’ me stay, but he wanted peace in his house. Kay’Lo was pissed ‘cause he felt like Toni had moved behind his back and Renza had been hurt.

Renza was gone somewhere refusin’ to give me anything, and I was still sittin’ here wantin’ him bad enough to keep askin’ people to make room for my hurt.

“I don’t wanna keep fuckin’ up what y’all got goin’ on,” I said after a while. “That’s the part makin’ me feel sick. I know I’m doin’ it. I can see it. I can feel everybody shiftin’ around me, and I hate that. I just don’t know how to stop when I still ain’t talked to him.”

Pluto leaned back in her chair and looked at me with a lil’ more firmness than before. “You start by stopping the chasing for a minute.”

I shook my head before I could stop myself. “Pluto, I can’t just stop.”

“You can,” she said. “You don’t want to, and that’s different.”

Toni looked at me too, and I felt both of ‘em waitin’ for me to hear it.

Pluto continued, “You’ve called. You’ve texted. You came here. He knows you’re here, Sha’Nelle. He knows you want to talk. If you keep pushing, you’re not proving love anymore. You’re proving panic.”

That word made my stomach turn, but I ain’t argue.

“I’m scared,” I admitted. “That’s what it is. I’m scared if I stop, he gon’ think I gave up. I’m scared he gon’ finally believe I’m choosin’ my life back in Greystone. I’m scared I’m gon’ have to get back on a plane and go home to a life I don’t even know how to stand in no more.”

Toni’s face softened, but she ain’t jump in with a promise she couldn’t keep.

I wiped my cheek and looked at the water again. “I don’t know what I’mma do if I gotta go back.”

“You might need to figure that out before you see him,” Pluto said gentle.

I looked back at her and she held my eyes. “Because Renza can’t be your escape plan. If you go to him, it has to be because you’re choosing him with a clear heart, not because going back feels too hard.”

I sat with that, and it hurt ‘cause it was too real.

I had told myself I came to fight for Renza, and I did, but somewhere in there, I was also runnin’ from the life waitin’ for me in Greystone.

“I left my ring back in Greystone,” I said low.

Toni looked at my hand, but Pluto kept her eyes on my face.