Page 54 of Certified to Handle You 3

“I ain’t say that for no praise,” I added. “I just… I couldn’t wear it here. It felt wrong.”

Pluto nodded. “That’s a step, but it’s not the whole thing.”

“I know,” I said.

Pluto reached for her napkin and dabbed at the corner of her mouth. “Stay at the house tonight, and rest. Put the phone down for a few hours. Let your body catch up with everything you’ve been dragging it through.”

I wanted to say I couldn’t, but the truth was, I was tired. Not just from the Ubers, the calls and the cryin’. I was tired from holdin’ myself together while everything inside me kept tryna break. I was tired of watchin’ my phone like it controlled whether I got to live or not.

“I can try,” I said.

Pluto gave me a look. “Really try.”

Toni nodded. “And I’mma go home after this and try to get my husband to stop actin’ like he crazy.”

I snorted before I could stop it. Pluto laughed soft, and for one small second, the table felt lighter. It wasn’t fixed, and none of us pretended it was, but the heaviness lifted just enough for me to remember we was still women who loved each other through the mess.

I looked down at my phone when it lit up, but it was only a random notification from one of the apps I had been usin’ to call Renza. My finger moved like it wanted to open it anyway, and Pluto saw me.

“Sha’Nelle,” she said.

I froze, then turned the phone facedown on the table.

Toni nodded like she approved. “There you go.”

I sat back and let my hands rest in my lap. The urge to pick it back up was still there, crawlin’ under my skin, but I made myself leave it. Renza knew I was here. He knew I wanted him. He knew I had crossed water, pride and common sense just to get close enough for him to reject me in person if that was what he needed to do.

For the first time in four days, I let myself sit still without reachin’ for him.

It ain’t feel peaceful, feel easy and it damn sure ain’t feel like acceptance. It felt like I was holdin’ my own wrist down to keep from touchin’ fire again. But I sat here anyway, between my cousin and Pluto, with the ocean shinin’ outside the window and my whole life waitin’ on a man who still wasn’t ready to face me.

I ain’t know how much longer I could do this. I ain’t know what would happen if Renza kept refusin’ to talk and I ain’t know what version of me was supposed to get back on a plane and return to Greystone. But for right now, I kept my phone facedown.

Even though every part of me wanted to pick it back up, call another number and chase his silence one more time, I stayed in my chair and tried to listen to the women who was still sittin’ next to me after everything I had brought to they door.

Trill-Land, Jungle Estate

That evening, I made it back home with shopping bags on my arms and my feet hurting from being out all day.

I had spent most of the day with Toni and Sha’Nelle, and even though it was supposed to be something simple, I could tell all three of us needed it for different reasons.

We ate, shopped, talked a little, got quiet when we needed to and let the day move without forcing it to be more than what it was.

Toni had a lot sitting on her, and Sha’Nelle was trying hard not to look like she was carrying the whole island on her shoulders. I knew shopping wasn’t going to fix anything, but sometimes getting out the house and putting your hands on clothes, shoes and bags gave your mind something else to do besides hurt.

By the time me and Sha’Nelle walked through the front door, the house felt warm and settled.

I heard Kaylon before I saw him, and that made me smile right away. His little voice was coming from the living room, mixed with the soft sound of one of his toys rolling across the floor. I shifted my bags in my hands and stepped inside, with Sha’Nelle right behind me. She had a few bags too, but she held them close to her side like she was still trying not to take up too much room in a house I had already told her she could breathe in.

Pressure was in the living room with Kaylon and Isley. He was sitting on the couch with Isley against him with one hand on her back while Kaylon played near his feet.

My baby girl looked so small in his arms, and Pressure looked too fine sitting there. He had on a fitted black shirt, dark sweatpants pants and a pair of socks, and somehow that was enough for me to stop for a second.

Sha’Nelle stepped in behind me and spoke before the moment got too quiet. “Hey, Pressure.”

Pressure lifted his eyes to her and nodded. “Wussup.”

After that, his eyes came right to me. I felt it immediately. Not just him looking at me, but the way he looked at me.