Page 41 of The Cost of Love

“Tell me something embarrassing,” I say, trying to stray away from those thoughts.

“Well, let’s see.” He rubs his hands up and down my arms, causing goosebumps. “When I was twelve, I was still wetting the bed. My mother literally took me to doctors because she thought something was wrong with me. After a sleep study, they found I do wake up when I have to go, but I just roll over.” He laughs, clearly not embarrassed. “She started calling me at school at 2 a.m. and would force me to get up and go to the bathroom. I still sometimes wake up at that time.”

“That’s actually great. Are you still that lazy?”

He pushes my hair behind my ear and lays his chin on my shoulder. “Let’s just say I’ve gotten better at holding it in.”

I tuck my mouth behind my hand like that will hold in my chortle.

“Your turn,” he says.

Instantly, that kills my smile. How do I tell him that I didn’t know how to properly wash myself? That it took a teacher pulling me to the side after multiple complaints of my smelling to explain it to me. Or that I had to miss school on my period because we didn’t have pads or tampons, and I would just free-bleed.

I can’t tell him my truly embarrassing moments, so instead I say, “I thought I could use olive oil as a lotion. As you can imagine, it did not go well. By the end of the summer, I looked like a burned, flaky biscuit. To this day, I have yet to get that dark.”

The rumble of his laughter vibrates against my back. It eases some of my tension.

“Okay, favorite childhood memory?” I ask, trying to change the mood. He doesn’t even take a second to think.

“Any memory with my grandfather. Literally, just sitting next to him while he watched football, I loved. He was always so content with life that every moment was blissful. We also just had one of those bonds. He could know what I was thinking without me saying a word. On more than one occasion, he would show up at our house to take me to get ice cream because he knew I needed it.” He sighs and nuzzles more into me.

“Tell me more,” I say, trying not to feel jealous.

“Okay, well, when I was a kid, my favorite animal was the rhino, so everywhere he went, he would get me a figurine. Marble, wood, jade, whatever the country sold, he would get. In turn, I would get him a lion. Until the day he died, he kept all the ones I got him on his mantle, even though some were absolutely ugly. He was still proud and happy to have them.”

He goes quiet for a moment. When I think that he’s done, he starts speaking again.

“When they played his will video, he said that he was leaving his prized possessions to me. Everyone thought it was the company, or the houses, or whatever other expensive things he had, but it was the lions. Even in the end, that was what was most important to him.”

There is a reverence with which he speaks that I get lost in. Even though we are outside, the air is filled with the love that Alex holds for this man. No matter how much time has passed, that bond they had still exists.

“What about you?” he asks.

I’m about to tell him about my siblings, give him a true piece of me, but my alarm goes off. I hit stop and then look back at him. Like the spell is broken, I remember who we are to each other.

“I should go,” I say. Needing a shower and my café apron, I have to go home first.

His mouth lowers into a pout, and I can see a desperation in his eyes to keep me here. It’s even more reason to leave.

It doesn’t stop either of us from standing up slowly or hesitantly making our way to his front door. The urge to keep talking even lingers in our hug.

When I’m in his car on my way home, I sober up from that enchanting night enough to remember the reality of my life. This isn’t who I am or who I get to be. I have responsibilities, and I don’t have time to indulge like this. What I can accept or give is not this, and I can’t keep letting him think differently.

“But why not?” Jessie asks while loading her tray with tuna tartar spoons.

Having just explained all my reasons for why it’s a bad idea to keep seeing him outside of our sexcapades, she still doesn’t seem to understand.

“He opened up to me last week, and I was so close to doing the same. What’s that going to lead to?” I pop one of the mini meat pies in my mouth, finally breaking a rule.

I need the buttery crust to satiate the need to be indulgent. Maybe food will stop me from calling him.

“One moment.” She holds up a finger and heads back out, and I follow behind her.

We walk around until our trays are empty again and we have an excuse to retreat. The whole time, I look at the people in this room like they are like everyone else. Before Alex, the partygoers at these events felt like they were on a pedestal above me. I didn’t think there was any way that I could relate to them. Now, I know their aloof facade of superiority is just a mask.

Entering back into the kitchen, Jessie starts up right away.

“One: It could lead to marriage. Two: You are in desperate need of someone other than me to talk to. And three: You might just enjoy yourself.”