Page 52 of The Cost of Love

“Mhm.”

“And you have custody of them?”

She nods, and I feel this truth push me back into her couch. At twenty-three, I was in the middle of getting my master’s in business. I was partying, traveling, and quite frankly fucking my way through the city. Barely taking care of myself, I couldn’t imagine another person’s life being in my hands, let alone three.

“To put it lightly, my mother is trash. As long as I have been alive, she hasn’t been able to keep her shit together for more than a year. When I was nineteen, and the kids got taken out of her care, I didn’t really see another choice but to take them.”

“Nineteen?” I can’t keep the shock from my voice.

I know there are people who are young parents. It’s possible to make it work. I just can’t imagine having to do something like this after just leaving childhood yourself, especially when you didn’t bring the kids into this world.

“I’ve been in the system, and I’ve been with my mother, and both options are horrible. I wish that someone had been able to step in when I was younger and give me something better. I always knew I was going to take them. It just happened sooner than I thought. But I wouldn’t change the decision. I’ve been able to give them stability and a safe place. It’s the least a child is owed.”

She tucks her hair behind her ear and looks down at the ground. Her knee is bouncing, and she keeps rubbing her hands up and down her pants. I don’t know if it’s the confessions or some misguided shame that has her looking this way, but I want it to end. She should be nothing but proud of herself.

“You amaze me.”

“Stop.” She holds up a hand and shakes it, clearly embarrassed.

I grab hold of it and bring it onto my lap, squeezing tight. With my other one, I lift her chin so she is forced to look at me.

“Don’t do that. Don’t downplay what you have done. I don’t know many people who would put their own lives to the side to take on this type of responsibility. Your selflessness is awe-inspiring, and you deserve to be praised for it.” Since meeting her, I have thought that she is different. Finding out all of this has just proved it. She is capable of giving so much more than the average person, because she seems to love with no bounds. How lucky someone is to be loved by her.

“Well, now you know.” She shrugs and stands up, pacing the room.

There isn’t much space in the small apartment for her to do that, but her distracted path past the couch and TV, to the dining room table shows me that she has done this often. I watch her, taking in the eclectic space of a loving family who values each other more than things. Mismatched and crowded, it holds years of memories stacked in the piles of books, hanging pictures, and colorful DIY pieces of furniture and art. It feels more like a home than anything I have lived in.

She doesn’t speak, and I don’t know if she is waiting for me to or building up to say something. Her fingers are pressed against her lips, and she is looking everywhere. I’m trying to find words to express the whirlwind going through my mind when she stops and looks at me.

“Before you say anything, please know there are no expectations here. I still don’t think I can have a full relationship right now. I mean, I don’t have time. Even taking the small amount I already have to spend with you resulted in me not being with the kids when they needed me. And now…” She trails off, shaking her head as if to clear whatever that thought was. Returning to her previous point, she continues on as if she never said that part. “Look, I know things are complicated with us, because we clearly aren’t just having sex, but I just want to say there is no pressure and possibly no future because, as you can see, I have a lot on my plate and I don’t know how I can possibly add a man to that.”

Deflating like the words were all the air in her lungs, she finally comes to sit down. Back to not looking at me, she stares at the floor as if afraid of what she will see. All that is on my face right now is determination.

“The right man will understand that he isn’t your priority.”

A small smile flickers across her lips before she graces me with the full one. That beautiful gap peeking through.

“And let me guess, you’re very understanding?”

My response is my own smile. She laughs when she sees it, before wiping her hands up and down her face.

“If I’m being honest, against my better judgment, I don’t want this to end,” she says. Pointing between us, she makes it clear what she means. “But I also really get if this is too much for you.”

When I decided to pursue her, it was just her. Continuing on with this plan to woo her into dating me will mean that I’d be signing on to possibly being a part of a family. It won’t just be her that I will have to consider; it will be all of them. I have always wanted to belong to someone, and have them be mine in return. If this progresses to the conclusion of marriage, then I will be something to a lot of people.

I look at her profile and watch all her emotions flicker across her face. Like me, she is unsure, scared, and hopeful. Lost somewhere in the in-between we seem to exist in. This place where we will stay until she is ready. All there is to decide is if I’m willing to stay here with her.

“You’re worth it.” This sums up everything I’m feeling.

Thoughts cascade like an endless waterfall, worries bubbling at the bottom. But none of it compares to the want that surrounds it like a never-ending forest.

Eyes flicking up to meet mine, the slow peel of her lips is reflected there. She stifles a giggle before turning and crawling her way into my lap. The lightness of this reaction is in direct opposition to the seriousness of her explanation. A weight has been lifted, and I hope to help carry it if it ever returns. For now, I will support her as we move forward, doing what we did before.

Having finally purchased a bar for my apartment, I offer to have Carter come here instead of going somewhere else. Taking advantage of my hosting, he requests his third drink, forcing me to wait on him.

“You know, I don’t think you have ever treated me this well when I have come to your flat.” I place the glass in front of him and ease back onto the couch, crossing my ankles.

He takes a tentative sip before nodding his head in approval.