Page 95 of The Cost of Love

This catches her attention, and she turns to look at me. “One day. I still have the other two to worry about, and I’m sort of already living out my dream. All I wanted was to cook in a professional kitchen, and I’m doing that.”

“What else do you want?”

Her eyes dance around the room. “This. I just want this. Dreams don’t always have to be grand to be worth wishing for. I have them, I have you, and I get to breathe. All the other stuff can come later. I’m happy.”

She squeezes down further, and I wrap my arms around her.

“I’m happy, too,” I say.

“Is this what you want?” she asks.

Before I can answer, the elevator opens. All at once, we turn to see my mother standing there. Her mouth is hanging open, disdain visible in her eyes as she drops the gifts in her hands. Before she can say anything, Liv and I are up and rushing over to her.

“Are you serious?” our mother asks, her voice shrill and loud.

Grabbing her arm, I lead her back into the elevator and hit the ground floor. More concerned with getting her away from them than her outrage at being manhandled, I ignore her until the doors open again.

“How dare you!” she yells, yanking herself free.

I look over at the doorman, George, and apologize with my eyes. He tilts his hat and goes back to staring at the entrance.

“Mother, please just listen,” Liv says, grabbing for her hand.

“Listen to you explain why you chose those people over me?”

I rub my hands up and down my face, trying to wipe away my growing frustration. The joy from the whole evening seems to be seeping out of my muscles, causing them to tense. I’m looking at the floor, hoping to gather myself as I hear them go back and forth. The whole time, I try to understand why I’m standing here doing this at all.

I can walk away from her. I don’t ever have to experience another moment ruined by her presence. She is the only parent I have left, but she doesn’t love me the way I deserve to be loved. Sitting upstairs are people who do, and one of them—Chanice— held me and promised me that I didn’t have to stay in this place with my family.

I’ve given so much of myself to all of them to make up for the sin of wanting something different. I’ve bent over and twisted myself to fit the mold of the perfect son. And in return, I’ve been given nothing. No love, no acceptance, no understanding. No moment big enough to justify this life.

All I’ve ever wanted is them, and I’ve accepted any version they have given me. It’s not enough. It’s never been enough, and I’m finally ready to have more.

“Alexander!” my mother screams, forcing me to look up.

“Just go,” I breathe out, a resolution settling in my gut.

“Maybe she can calm down and stay,” Liv says, causing me to look at her.

“No.” I won’t break eye contact with my sister, trying to make it clear that this ends today. My promise to her ends today.

Tears start to build in Liv’s eyes, and she is looking at me to make it better. But I can’t. I have been trying to make up for the fact that they don’t accept her for years, and I can’t do it. All I’m doing is making myself miserable.

“No, she will not stay and ruin my family’s Christmas. No, I don’t want to have this conversation, and no, Olivia, I can’t fix this.” I grab her hands in mine and hold them tight. “I’m sorry, but I can’t fix this.”

I’ve been trying to do everything I can to give her what she deserves, but the truth is, she deserves better than our parents. She deserves the woman who loves her upstairs, and the family we are building. She deserves to be free of this constant barrage of toxicity. I deserve it too, and I can’t keep forgetting that for her sake. I won’t subject Chanice to my mother to make Liv happy.

“I’m sorry,” I say again, because I am. Because there is nothing else that can be done.

She looks down.

“I’m your family,” our mother says, as if she did anything more than birth us.

I turn to her and point my finger in her direction. “You are the reason for most of my unhappy moments. You are every whispered doubt and second-guessed decision. You are the fear that trickles into every moment of joy. ”

She grabs her chest, and I hear Liv let out a sob.

“I love you. I will always love you, for some very stupid, uncontrollable reason, but from today on, you are only the woman who brought me into this world and tried to make every minute of it miserable. You are not the family I deserve, and I don’t want you in my life.”