Page 36 of Ginjuh

Chapter 8

Dad was sitting in the kitchen on the first Friday that the corn maze was going to be open for business on Grandpa’s farm. I had stopped by the house to grab a few things first instead of going directly to Grandpa’s farm like I normally would have. The entire school had been abuzz all week over the news that not only was Austin Mankins gay, but he was also dating the only other gay kid in school. Of course, the odds that Austin and I were the only gay guys in school—let alone the only LGBTQ+ kids in school—were slim to none. However, all of the heterosexual students had to tie it all up in a tidy little box so that they could comprehend it. Of course, the two of us were dating if we were the only two gay guys in school. Why else would we be together? I was Ginjuh, the popular, outgoing guy and Austin Mankins was the kid who used to be popular but turned into a weirdo.

Fortunately, I had told Jay the news about me dating Austin the night before “the incident” while we were on the phone. If he hadn’t known before Austin had walked up to my locker Monday morning and kissed me on the lips, he would have punched me in the mouth for leaving him in the dark. As my best friend, Jay had the right to know what was going on in my life before all the other people at school. When Austin had just walked up and kissed me, taking me—pleasantly—by surprise, Mrs. Feldman had also seen it. She had responded with a simple “keep your hands to yourselves, boys” as she walked by, but she punctuated it with a wink in our direction.

I couldn’t get mad at her. She did the same to all of the couples in school—though I think she was less bothered by Austin and me kissing. Not to say that Mrs. Feldman was a member of the LGBTQ+ community—other than being an ally, obviously—but we weren’t being gross about our PDA. It was just a kiss. Okay, and maybe Austin’s fingers found their way into my hair—but that was it. All right. Lower, um, parts of my body might have twitched a little, too, but nothing obvious for God’s sake.

“So,” Jay had said when Austin pulled out of the kiss, “does this mean that we’re no longer a thing?”

Austin looked at me, confused.

“Yeah,” I said to Jay, putting my arm around Austin’s shoulders. “I’m dumping you for a guy who puts out.”

Austin laughed as I pulled him away towards Pre-Calc. A second went by before Jay caught on.

“Wait!” He chased after us. “Did you guys do it?”

Of course, Austin and I hadn’t done it. But I refused to answer the question. That was none of Jay’s business. Well, it wasn’t his business while I was with both him and Austin. If the time ever came that we did it, then Jay would be the third person to know. But I’d have tact and tell him privately—not in a crowded school hallway.

All week long, Austin and I held hands in the hallways, rode to school together (I picked him up, obviously), I took him home, we ate lunch together, and Jay grilled us about every detail of our relationship. Austin was overwhelmed at first, obviously not in the practice of talking to anyone at school more than he had to, but he quickly warmed up. It was hard to not get caught up in Jay’s enthusiasm for life’s minutiae. In study hall, Austin sat by me and Jay instead of sitting alone, sharing his earbuds with me so I could listen to the songs he listened to. He introduced me to more Tom Waits, Bob Dylan, Nick Cave, Joni Mitchell, Patti Smith, The Smiths, Ryan Adams, Suzanne Vega, The Jesus and Mary Chain—a million different singers and bands I never would have listened to before. I loved the poetic songs and how they sounded exactly like what I thought Austin would sound like if he was a song.

Having him sit by me, be within my orbit, made the hairs on my skin stand up straight at attention. Whenever I was with him, my skin felt like it was aflame, hot and yearning for his closeness. I kind of knew what that meant, or at least, I knew what it could mean—but I wasn’t sure if it meant everything that it was supposed to mean. But…then I found myself in those few days doing everything I could to make sure that he was happy. If he wasn’t smiling, I wanted to make him smile. I wanted him to be happy. I found myself thinking about what I would do to see his smile one more time. To have him look up from across a room, shake the hair off of his forehead before his eyes landed on mine, then have his face light up with the greatest smile I’d ever seen in my life.

Was that what Grandpa meant about love?

I wanted Austin to be happy. I wanted him to not have any reason to be unhappy if I could help it—and I would have done anything. Going beyond the physical desire I felt every time I saw him, I just wanted to see him give that smile that made me smile back automatically. It made me feel things that no naked guy on the internet had ever made me feel before. If I was being totally honest with myself, that scared me. What did being in love mean? Did it mean that he possessed me—that I was no longer just Zach? That now we were an Austin/Zach megazord type creature? Our individual identities consumed by this monster that was slowly emerging? Would I have to clear everything through him? Make sure that each moment of my day was coordinated with his? At the same time, I wanted to give myself over to that thought, to absolve myself of any autonomy. I wanted to be possessed by him and him alone.

But my concerns were misplaced. He wouldn’t actively seek me out in the halls between classes, nor would he invade when Jay and I were talking in the halls. When I dropped him off at his house after school each day, he’d give me a lingering kiss, then tell me to “text him later”. Each day, I’d try harder and harder to not text him immediately when I got home. Each day I failed. His desire to let me be my own person in our new relationship made me want him even more. I wanted every moment of every day to be about Austin. Ultimately, I felt that maybe I was the overbearing one in our relationship. However, whenever I would break down after school each day, pick up the phone and call—not text—him, he’d answer with the same line:

What took you so long?

I longed to hear him say that every day.

And then, on Thursday, we were sitting in Study Hall together, both of us working on our Pre-Calc homework, one of his earbuds in his ear and one in mine, and a new song came on. I had no idea what song it was at the time, but it made me sit up a little straighter, turn my head to look at my boyfriend. He was looking down at his work, thinking hard, his brow furrowed in concentration, obviously not paying attention to what was playing in his ear. And I knew that I was in love. I studied the lines of his face, the curve of his nose, the way his dark hair fell in his eyes but he didn’t bother to push it away. The way he held his pencil and chewed at his lip as he worked out the math problems. The way he disappeared into his own little world and forgot everything around him. I was irrevocably in love with Austin.

“What?” He suddenly looked over and whispered.

I shook my head with a smile. “Nothing.”

He smiled and went back to his work. After school, I nonchalantly asked him about the song and he told me that it was Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg. I nodded, knowing that I would forever hear that song in my head when I so much as thought of Austin. I didn’t tell him that—I’m not a total geek—but maybe one day I would. When the time was right. Just like I’d eventually tell him that I loved him. But I knew I wanted to tell him first. I wanted him to know that I loved him so that he would never think that I only parroted back something he said to me first.

Thanks to Austin, it was the best week of school I’d ever had in my life. However, when I saw Dad sitting at the table in the kitchen when I went home after school, Friday, I didn’t know if my luck would continue or if my week would be ruined.

“Zach,” Dad said when I walked in the door.

I froze in my tracks, frowning at him there at the table.

“You’re home early.” He said.

“So are you.”

“I got off work early.”

Nodding, I said: “I just wanted to get some things before I go to Grandpa’s farm for the first night of the corn maze.”

He slowly nodded.

“Are you…are you going to come check it out?” I asked.