Page 40 of Ginjuh

I lifted my arms to place my hands over his on my chest.

“I was pretty sure that I’d never be happy again.” He said. “And Dad wasn’t a lot of help, though he keeps trying. But, it’s hard to see Dad get over it so easily when it still feels pretty raw, ya’ know?”

“I’m sure he’s hurting still.”

“I know he is,” Austin said gently. “But I hate him sometimes, seeing him not crying every minute of every day. I want him to be sadder than me. I want him to miss mom as much as I do. More than I do. That would make it easier, maybe.”

“He does,” I whispered. “I know he does.”

“I know that, too.” He said. “Now convince my brain, ya’ know? Logically, I know that he lost his wife—the love of his life. But every day he is not crippled with loss, I hate him more. And I’ve hated myself for it for over a year, Zach. I hate myself for wanting him to be in as much pain as me. I haven’t exactly been a great son to him.”

“I’m sure he understands.”

He nodded. “Before I walked out of the house today to come get in the car, I don’t know why…I don’t know what made me do it…but I hugged him before I left. I haven’t hugged him since before mom died. I think it scared him.”

We both chuckled softly.

“But I do know why I did it.” He nodded to himself. “Now.”

He looked up at me and I looked down at him.

“I’m actually not miserable anymore.” He exhaled. “And I was miserable for so long, it feels like this is the very first time I’ve ever been happy. Because of you.”

“Is that what you wanted to tell me?” I whispered, my face drawing closer of its own accord.

“No.” He smiled. “I wanted you to know—I need to tell you that—”

But he didn’t finish the sentence on his own.

“I love you.”

We said it in unison. Austin turned his eyes up to look at me, his smile widening as I grinned dreamily down at him. He hadn’t said it first and I hadn’t said it second. It was perfect.

“I didn’t want you to say it first.” I leaned down, breathing against his lips. “I wanted you to know that I meant it. I didn’t want you to think I just said it back because you said it first.”

“I wouldn’t think that about you.”

“Well,” I shook my head slowly, letting my lips rub against his, “it was important to me. Just like you.”

“Okay.” He replied breathily. “Will you kiss me now?”

I didn’t have to respond to that. Not with my words. My lips were used, but not to form words. Austin melted into me, his body crashing into mine as his hands found my hair again. I didn’t like it when I felt like people were fixated on my hair. The stares, the whispers, the giggles, the snickers. My hair was like the flame coming out of a tiki torch. But Austin’s fingers tangling in my hair did things to me that nothing else did. When his fingers left my hair so he could push his hands up under my shirt, groping at my chest and stomach again, I felt myself moan into his mouth, my tongue following quickly. Austin accepted my tongue and fought mine with his as we kissed there under the moon and stars shining down on us.

“Jesus Christ.” Grandpa’s voice made Austin and I freeze, his hands like statues under my shirt. “Damnit, boys. Ya’ couldn’t wander off into the corn if you was gonna play grab ass?”

I turned my head to find Dad and Grandpa standing a few yards away, having just turned a corner in the maze to find us making out right there in the open. Technically, no one’s ass was getting grabbed, but pointing that out in the moment didn’t seem like the right course of action. Grandpa shook his head, though I could see his smile clearly in the moonlight. Dad was looking anywhere but at Austin and me, though he was grinning impishly. Grandpa grabbed ahold of Dad’s shoulder and turned him back the way they had come.

“Mark,” he sighed, “I’ll walk you through here another time, son. Apparently, I’m runnin’ the No-Tell Motel tonight.”

Austin sputtered laughter against my mouth when Dad and Grandpa were back around the corner and my laughter followed. Then his hands were moving under my shirt again. Though I was nervous, especially after what had just happened, my hands found their way to the button of Austin’s pants and I pushed him backward, off of the pathway and into the corn fields where we could have privacy. Austin moaned into my mouth when we stopped a few yards into the field as he raised my shirt over my abs, up my chest, and over my head. I was so nervous, but nothing would stop me from mimicking his actions, stripping his shirt off of him. I gazed at his chest and stomach there in the moonlight, anxious and excited and worried and scared all at the same time.

Austin saved me from that. He reached out and grabbed my hand and pulled it towards himself. My hands connected with all different kinds of flesh that night and my mouth explored places on Austin’s body that I’d only dreamt of exploring before. His hands and mouth went on the same adventures as mine while the moon shone down on us, approving of our activity—or at least it seemed. An hour later, when we were skyclad and wrapped in each other’s arms on the ground, worshipping each other under the moon, surely covered in dirt, most definitely covered in sweat, I couldn’t do anything but smile. And kiss my boyfriend as much as he would allow—which was as much as I wanted.