Page 21 of Hope and Country

I sensed him before he even opened his mouth.

Something dense clogged my airways.

My spine trembled at the idea of being used as a punching bag once again.

All the oxygen left my lungs, and my head turned.

Tears brimmed in my eyes.

Why? Why couldn’t he leave me alone? The hammering on the door intensified. It fractured more pieces of my heart. Little fragments I could never retrieve.

Robbie had a key. He usually let himself in. No matter the time. Maybe he lost it. Perhaps I could pretend to not be here and he would go away. Find another way to dissipate his anger. Find another someone who wasn’t me.

Because Robbie only came here if wrath bubbled inside him, and he had an urge to unwind.

And only if he was wasted. As if being drunk was an excuse to beat me senseless. Like he couldn’t bring himself to do it when sober.

Some part of him still cared for me. At least I hoped.

But his demons were bigger, faster, stronger, and they robbed him of everything that had once been good in him.

Sober Robbie, even using hurtful words, only manhandled me. Sober Robbie didn’t beat the shit out of me. Sober Robbie wasn’t that much of a monster. Sober Robbie had restraint. Sober Robbie could stop himself before it was too late.

Drunk Robbie was unpredictable. Drunk Robbie relished hurting me. Drunk Robbie enjoyed the violence. And the domination over another human being.

Drunk Robbie stole all my innocence.

* * *

I shut my eyes, sealing the burning tears inside, refusing to let them out. Refusing to give my stepbrother any more control over my life. Over me.

I was stronger than what he credited me for.

Robbie’s fist struck heavier on the door. My entire being trembled with each vibration as the sound rattled deep at my core. Shaking my bones.

With my forehead pressed against the door, I struggled to catch a breath in. The tears escaped and burned trenches in my flesh.

“Devon, I know you’re in there. Open up, sis,” he slurred, his voice sliced with anger. “I need ya. You’re all I’ve got left in this life. Open the damn door. Don’t force me to break it from the hinges.”

I pinched my lips together, crying silent tears.

Please go away. I’m having a great week. Don’t mess it up. Please. Just leave. All I wished for was a celebration. And champagne.

Why was I always the one dealing with this version of Robbie? I hated this guy. And that guy hated me, even if he repeated I was his whole life. While using my body as an outlet.

“Devon. Let. Me. In. I know you’re in there. Your car is parked in front. And I can feel you.” He hiccupped. “Stop playing games.”

Mrs. Glifford’s voice joined his. “Ms. Devon, let your brother in. I don’t want that man standing on my doorstep and disturbing my peace. Do you want me to call the cops?”

Sarcastic laughter bubbled out. As if the cops coming here could change a thing. They would probably force Robbie inside my apartment for all I knew. And tell me to care for him and be nice to his drunk ass. Yes, it had happened before.

“Devon, it’s my last warning. You either let me in, or I’ll let myself in.”

Every cell in me shook. Another voice rose from the other side of the door. A man’s voice this time. “Yeah, let the guy in. Just deal with your shit in private. No need to get the entire building to witness your squabble, for god’s sake.”

“Okay, that’s it, I’m calling the cops,” Mrs. Glifford said.

My hand enveloped the doorknob, and I unlocked the latch with weak fingers.