Page 22 of Hope and Country

My neighbor gave me stinky eyes, her arms folded over her ample chest when my gaze landed on her. “It’s about time.” She waved her hands in the air and spun on her heels before retreating into the safety of her apartment. I wanted to implore her to not leave me alone with him, but I stood there on unsteady legs, unable to speak a word.

“Yeah, it’s about time,” Robbie echoed. He pushed me with an open palm as he made his way inside. I stumbled backward, using the wall to regain my balance.

With a soft thud, I closed the door behind me, making sure not to lock it. In case I needed to run for my life. Or if someone walked by and heard the noises and flew to my rescue. Parts of me still had hope that it would happen. Someday.

With a jagged breath, I tried to steel my shoulders and relax.

This will be over in no time. Don’t resist. Don’t fight back. Try to talk some sense into him. It worked once. It can work again.

Don’t push him. Agree with him. No smile. No sudden movement. No doing whatever could enrage him.

Mama, please protect me, I prayed in silence as Robbie paced the room.

My apartment wasn’t big. Two bedrooms, a small bathroom, and a living room that also served as a dining area adjacent to a tiny kitchen. It had large windows letting lots of sunlight in, white walls reminding me of purity and calm, and maple hardwood floors.

Right now, it felt like a cage.

Haunted by dark shadows.

And so small I was suffocating.

As if the walls were closing in on me. Squeezing the life out of me. Killing me in their own way.

My pulse throbbed in my ears. I couldn’t swallow anymore, my throat dry and itchy. A tall glass of water would feel amazing right now, but I wouldn’t dare to move and risk upsetting my stepbrother. Something resembling a chain coiled around my stomach, my heart, my lungs, tightening until pain seared through me.

Many emotions battled inside me. Voices in my head pleaded with me to leave. To run as fast and as far as I possibly could.

To disappear and never come back. To a place where nobody could ever find me. Far from here. Far from everything I’d ever known.

“Why did you leave me in the hallway like a fucking stray dog, Devon? You owe me respect, sis. I’ve been taking care of your ass for years, never asking anything in return. And this is your way of thanking me? By faking you’re not home, hoping I’d go away? Is that all I’m worth to ya? Because I think you haven’t gotten the lesson by now.” He padded closer, his breath now mingling with mine. Everything inside me froze. Just a push and I’d break into countless pieces. I held my breath. Robbie’s finger almost touched my nose as he waggled it in my face, fury lacing every word coming out of his mouth. “You. Belong. To. Me. We’re family, and that’s how family works. You need me as much as I need ya. And you do everything I say. All. The. Fucking. Time. I’m the boss of ya. When will you understand that once and for all? Do you need me to tattoo it on your forehead?” He let a terrifying laugh out. One that turned all my vital organs to ice. “The more I think about it, the more branding ya sounds like a good idea.”

The fragile house of my hopes crumbled inside me.

Tears rushed to my eyes.

I blinked. Fast. And hoped Robbie hadn’t noticed it. I didn’t need to be lectured and taught again about how to be attentive to his crazy and delusional speeches. Already got that one once. And it left me with a dislocated shoulder.

I locked my panic deep down and took a step back, putting some much-needed distance between us. Using my most even and calm voice, I tried to reason with him. “Robbie. I’m sure you’ve had a hard day. I’m glad you came to me. If you wish, I could make you something to eat. And we could talk about it. You know I’m a good listener. We used to have long brother-and-sister discussions back in the day.”

“Fuck that, sis. I don’t wanna talk,” he screamed.

I blew out a quivering breath. Take two. I could disarm the bomb he had turned into. “We should not yell because Mrs. Glifford next door will call the cops.”

“I’m the fucking cops, Devon. Are you born stupid, or did you lose brain cells since the last time I saw you?” He stepped closer. “Don’t fucking ever tell me what to do. Am I making myself clear? I’m the boss of ya, sis. Don’t ever forget that.”

I swallowed. Hard. And nodded. “Yes. You’re right. You’re the boss,” I said in a low, neutral voice, not letting any of my emotions to seep through.

Robbie relaxed his stance, and some of the tension in his back seemed to vanish.

Feeling brave, I gave it another try. If only I could defuse his wrath, I could maybe reach him before he decided to strike.

“Robbie, come sit. I’ll get you something to drink. And then we can talk.”

His head sprang up, and he glared at me with watery eyes. Was my brother crying? In all the years I’d known him, I’d never seen him cry. Not once. Not even when we were kids.

“I’m tired of talking, Devon. I have to blow some steam. That’s the only way I can relax. And get through with my life. It’s all messed up in my head. The voices won’t shut up. Whatever I do, they nag at me. Even in my sleep. Don’t resent me. It has nothing to do with you. But you’re my salvation. My safe place.”

For a moment, I believed the real Robbie, the one I looked up to growing up, had reappeared. From the pits of hell. For a minute, he avoided my eyes, staring at nothing, but when his gaze returned on me, the darkness had taken over his features. Again. And all traces of my brother had left him. Replaced by the devil he had become. In one swift movement, Robbie discarded his jacket on the sofa and rolled his shirt sleeves to his elbows. I glanced at the door, trying to find an escape route. Knowing my fate. But he jumped in front of me, blocking my way out.