Page 132 of Kickoff

My eyes prickled with the tears building in their corners. I wouldn’t lose my cool here. I wouldn’t break down in the hallway en route to my next class. Melinda Shepard might be able to break my heart, but she wouldn’t break me.

“Keep lying to yourself, but it’s not a good look on you. I thought we already agreed on that.”

Red crept up her cheeks. “Drop the sarcasm. Can’t you see I’m setting you free here?”

I threw my arms up in frustration before I realized what I was doing. Anger underlined my tone. “You think I wanna be set free? In what kind of world are you living in? You know what, keep pretending all is fine. I’m no shrink, but I’m pretty sure the first step in healing is to stop lying and blaming others. I guess you skipped that lesson. Congrats, you wanted to lose me. Well, you did just that. Are you happy now? Does it make you feel better? Help you sleep at night?” I pointed an accusing finger at her, the opposite of how I had seen this conversation going. I wanted to shield her, help her, protect her, not make an enemy of the only girl I ever had feelings for. “Next year, I’ll be everywhere you’ll be. I signed with Crestwood U. It’s been official for a long time, but I was waiting for the perfect moment to tell you. I was supposed to come clean on that snowboarding vacation we never went to. I had ordered a bunch of CWU merch and swag as your Christmas gift after your dad told me they offered you a full ride too. Stupid matching stuff for both of us because I could picture us dating, going to college together, and doing all the shit kids our age do when they’re in love. Anyway, forget I said anything. It’s unimportant now. It doesn’t mean a goddamn thing anymore. I left the bag at your house this morning. Throw it away, burn it, give it to charity for all I care.”

A lone tear carved the length of her cheek. “You did that…for me?” Her lips quivered.

“Yep. Like a fool in love. Because what I’ve been feeling for you, Mel, all these years isn’t friendship, it’s much more powerful than that. It’s love. The big fucking thing that starts with a capital L. I’m sorry I snapped at you. It won’t happen again. And I’m sorry I made you late for your next class. It wasn’t my intention either. Just remember that for the next four years, I’ll still be around. I’m not going anywhere. I just hope Clarke treats you decently because he’ll be in Maryland in a few months. Don’t come crying on my shoulder when things don’t work out between you two when you realize he’s an asshole and not worthy of you. Remember what I told you once. I don’t do second place. Never. Goodbye, Mel.” My own words became a stabbing pain that left me bleeding everywhere.

“Mason…” The single word sounded like a plea. “It’s not that simple…I-I can’t be with you. I hope you forgive me one day. It’s too hard…being with you. When you look at me like I’m your world, it puts too much pressure on me… I feel like I’m not enough, and…and I can’t…I just can’t.”

Sobs passed her lips, and I fought with everything I was not to pull her into my arms.

“Mase…” Her voice trembled. “I’m sorry.”

I pivoted on my heels, gathered the last threads of self-preservation I had left, and strode away, my heart so heavy in my chest that I feared it could burst at any moment. “I’m sorry too,” I said to no one but myself.

34

I always played for keeps

I skipped lunch and didn’t recall any of my afternoon classes. Sitting on the floor by my locker, my back and head pressed to the wall, my eyes closed, I waited for the ruckus of the students leaving school to fade before making a move. My conversation with Melinda had replayed in my mind countless times all day, and I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact she’d dismissed me so easily. Time stilled, and I blocked out the noisy chatter and loud footsteps until everything became quiet around me. Enjoying the silence, I stretched my legs before me and breathed out, trying to get rid of the heaviness gluing me to this floor.

Someone sat beside me, and I didn’t have to open my eyelids to know it was my brother. “How are you holding up?”

I snorted. “What do you think? She’s dating the one guy I can’t stand and making it sound like he’s Prince Charming.”

“That’s messed-up. Do you think it’s serious?”

I shrugged. “She made it sound like it was.”

“Damn. You talked to her?”

“Yep. This morning.”

“How did it go?”

I remained silent.

“That bad?”

I cracked my eyes open and stared at him. “Yep.”

We said nothing for the longest time.

“What’s going on with you? Want to tell me what it’s all about for real? We can feel dejected together. I heard you arguing with Paige last night again. Your secret late-night meetings with Dad aren’t so secret. I just don’t understand why you two are shady as hell about whatever is going down behind those walls. What you said the other morning is still nagging at me.”

A shadow passed through my brother’s eyes, and he dragged a hand over his face. “I screwed up, man. Well…not me. Dad did. But I couldn’t hold my end of the bargain, and now it’s too late. His actions will impact me—and Paige—and I’m not sure what to do about it. And if I come clean, my girlfriend will hate me, and I can’t deal with her hatred. I love her, man. She’s the one for me, and I can’t imagine having to let her go.”

I blinked, not sure what he meant. “Why would you have to let her go?”

“Because… As I told you that morning, it’s complicated. I’m still trying to find a way out of this one, but I’m not sure I’ll have enough time to right the wrong.”

“Wanna tell me what it’s all about instead of speaking in riddles?”

He shook his head, toying with the leather cuff around his left wrist that Paige had gifted him for Christmas. “No. She might never forgive me for this. I gotta see if I can fix it before I accept it’s my reality. If I tell you about it, it will make it real in my mind, and I’m not sure I can survive the truth. Not now. I’ll be honest about it, I swear. Just not now, okay?”