Page 23 of The Intimacy of Finding You

At that moment, I didn’t know who I was speaking to.

I swallowed, trying to force the screams I wanted to let out back down into my chest. “That’s not fucking fair. That’s so not fair, and you know it.”

He looked down at the ground below him, picking up a stray rock. I watched as he turned it in his hand, inspecting it. “It ain’t fair for you to try to change the person I am now, either. You’re comin’ at me with all these things you want from me, but do I want it?” The rock skipped across, hitting my shoe as he flicked it away. “No. I don’t. We all have things we don’t wanna admit to ourselves, Callum. Whether it be failure or—in my case—a complete and utter lack of giving a shit about my well-being. I get it. But I can’t change. Not right now. Accept that fact or leave me the fuck alone. I don’t wanna owe nobody, and I definitely don’t wanna owe nobody for shit I don’t even wanna do.”

Failure.

Failure.

Failure.

I’d failed him. Was that it? Was that the point he was trying to make? Had I somehow not noticed, like he said, and failed him? Was that why he left? God, I felt sick. Too much spit was starting to pool in my mouth. It was thick and warm, and my stomach was curdling as I thought back to every moment leading up to the day Tobi left and never came back.

Had I been blind to it? Or had I just convinced myself everything would go back to normal because that was what I wanted?

I didn’t think I had enough strength to keep fighting with him. Fighting, as if helping wasn’t all I’d wanted. Heal. Rebuild a connection I knew we could have because we’d had it before, even if it was just as friends.

I’d been so fucking desperate to have him, I’d ignored the way time could really change things. So I nodded. “Okay. If I do that, if I accept where you are, can I still see you?”

He took a moment to say anything, his eyes looking off to the side. “Sure.”

At least that was a start. A start to what, I didn’t know. I couldn’t really think through the fog in my head, the uncontrolled fire spreading in his eyes, or the bile that was trying to crawl up my throat. Maybe hope had done more bad than good.

chapter thirteen

Not only was I late, but now I was freezing cold and wasn’t even sure where I was stepping. My feet didn’t feel like they were connected to my legs, and my legs didn’t feel connected to the rest of my body. I was walking. I knew I was. I was watching the floor move beneath me, but I couldn’t feel that my legs were moving or feel the impact of my feet hitting the floor with every step. Everything was still numb, and it wasn’t from the cold.

Jesse, the golden boy he was, kept talking to me in a chipper voice the whole way back to the meeting room. I wasn’t really listening, which made me feel a little guilty, but every time he said something, all I could hear was the contempt in Tobi’s voice. It hurt, so I didn’t listen very closely.

I followed him into the room, bracing for the moment I saw Price’s face. “Nice of you to join us, Callum. We were just about to wrap up.”

I pulled out the closest chair, banging my numb foot against the metal table leg. Nope. Still couldn’t really feel it. And everyone and everything looked almost…blurry. Fuzzy? I tried to blink a couple of times, but it didn’t change anything. “Sorry. Had some trouble, forgot my key, lost track of my life. You know how it is. I’m sure I can play catch-up by myself, though.”

“That’s alright. We have time before everyone starts coming in, so I’ll give you the CliffsNotes.” Crew opened a small manila folder. “Basically, we talked to some people, found a building we think is worth buying, and plan to open up a new location.”

“Oh, good. You already know what I think about that. Where will it be?”

“It’ll be in Newton. There’s going to be a lot more to it over the next few weeks, of course. You’ll be our designated trainer once we have employees to train, but that’ll take a while. We’ll pay you a higher rate and for the commute. I’ve got a list of what all the OGs' duties will be when the time comes, and we’ll alternate schedules.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Isn’t it kind of early for all of that? I mean, what if something happens?”

He closed the folder and slid it down the table toward me. “How long have you known me? Planning makes my brain happy. I’d rather be overprepared than under. Besides, there’s a lot of sitting and waiting involved, and I don’t do well with sitting and waiting.”

That wasn’t always how it’d been. Crew had always been great with numbers, but the planning stuff didn’t really start until he’d gotten into therapy. He said it’d helped calm his mind down to have so many pieces to a large puzzle to put together.

Sometimes, I wondered if it was unhealthy how much he agonized over things. But I accepted him for who he was—we all did. We never tried to change him, even if we did give him grief about it from time to time.

Was that the kind of thing Tobi had been talking about? Was I not accepting him at face value for who he was? Did I even know who he was anymore?

Fuck.

“You good?” Jesse whispered beside me.

I jolted, the sound of his voice taking me out of whatever trance I was in. When I looked up, I noticed Crew was looking at me funny, too. I tried to brush it off the best I could and pretend like yes, I was perfectly fine. Perfectly normal. My world wasn’t crashing down around me. “Yeah, no, I get that. For sure. Anyway, that sounds amazing. I’m really excited.”

“Thanks for bringing the idea up.” Price nodded at me. “We talked a bit about numbers and boring shit. We’re still on track, and we decided to keep our waitlist how it is for now until we know more about the Newton location. Also, we went shopping for Christmas dinner, so we’ll be good on that front too. Make sure to show up on time.”

“What time do we need to get there? And do I need to bring anything specific?”