Page 24 of The Intimacy of Finding You

Crew perked up in his seat once again. “Oh, I have another list for that. If you could bring one dessert and some soda for those who don’t drink, that would be great. I’ll text you the list for that so you know what everyone is bringing. We’ll be ready for visitors by ten, but I don’t think we’ll eat until noon or a bit after.”

I gave him a thumbs up. “Sounds good. Can I bring Fishy?”

“Oh, you fucking better.” He paused for a second, then added to his thought, “As long as you bring your Swiffer. Are you going to bring your little friend you mentioned the other day with you, too?”

Rolling my eyes, I sank into the rolling chair. It moved with the shift of my body weight, pushing me further from the table. As I fumbled with it, I thought about Jack and how helpful he’d been about everything with Tobi. I wondered if he’d be okay with coming to a Christmas dinner where almost everyone cooked fine cuisine for a living as a thank you. “Just a friend, Crew. His name is Jack. I might see if he’d be willing to come, if you don’t mind. I know you wanted a head count before you went shopping.”

Jesse laughed. “You know they buy enough extra to feed a small army every year. I’m sure it’s fine.”

Crew was nodding before Jesse had even finished. “We are more than fine. He’s welcome to come if he wants to.” He slapped his hands on the table and pushed his chair back. “Okay, that’s pretty much it. Everyone say thank you to Callum for making us have to go over all of that again and then let’s start prep for service.”

Right. Work. I had to do that on top of everything else that had happened today. I’d have to somehow find my head so I could do the job I genuinely loved but found myself dreading.

Could I even reliably handle a fully booked service with how I was right now? Fuck, that shouldn’t have even been a question. Just because the lights were too bright, the noises were too loud, my vision was too blurry, and I couldn’t really feel my body didn’t mean I couldn’t do my job. Right? Right.

Just a silent disco happening, but in my entire body instead of my mind. I wasn’t even sure what to call that. A body disco? No. That didn’t sound right.

I whipped my head to the side as I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Crew. Just Crew. Nobody else was in the room anymore. “Hey. Silent disco, or exhaustion?”

Rubbing a hand over my face, I sighed. “Is both an option?”

“You know it is. What’s going on? Is this about Tobi? You haven’t said anything about him since you said you saw him last.”

Tobi, Tobi, Tobi. He was infecting my mind all over again. When we were young and in love, he’d been on my mind twenty-four seven. I was always thinking of him. His smile. His laugh. The way he’d push his glasses up with his middle finger and scrunch his nose to make them fit just right. I hadn’t seen him with glasses recently… Had he outgrown them? Or had he lost them?

He used to be on my mind constantly, with nothing but love in my heart and a smile on my face, and now he was the only thing on my mind, but all I felt was shame. And guilt. And confusion.

No. I didn’t need to tell Crew anything until I had more to tell him. I hated lying. It made me anxious, like most other things in the world. I brought my thumb up to my mouth, biting on a piece of the skin on the side. “No.” I shook my head, the word mumbled with my thumb between my teeth. “There’s nothing to say about Tobi. I’ll let you know when there is. I’m just kinda silent disco-y today.”

Crew sat in the chair in front of me, nodding with his gaze stuck on the thumb I’d just torn apart with my teeth. “Your fingers won’t ever heal if you don’t let them. I hope you always wear gloves.”

“You know I do. Don’t worry, I’ll be good to work. Just need to get my shit together.”

“You know I’m here, right? If you need to talk things out. Maybe we can do some breathing exercises together.”

“I know, C.” I put on the fakest fucking smile I could muster. At least I hoped so because I couldn’t really tell what my face was doing at this point. “Thanks. It’s just a lot of stuff. Pops just got out of the hospital, so I’m less stressed with that, but I think I still have some residual anxiety from all of it.”

His lips turned up into a huge smile, his bright, icy-blue eyes damn near sparkling. He looked so genuinely happy for me, clapping his hands together. “Oh, I’m so glad he’s home! I know how worried you’ve been.”

“Yeah, thank you. He was pretty excited to get home. He’d been bitching and complaining the entire time he was there. I know the nurses were tired of him.”

“I can see that. How about you go take a smoke break and see how the cold air treats you? Just use the doorstopper from in here to prop the back door open a bit so you don’t get locked out.”

That sounded heavenly. As long as I could make it there without falling flat onto my face. “I’ll go do that. Do you think they’ll be alright without me for a while?”

Crew stood from the chair and rolled his eyes. “They’ll be fine. They know what they’re supposed to be doing. I’ll check on ‘em though, just to make sure. Go take that break. You’ve had quite the morning, it seems.”

“Thanks, disco buddy. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He put a hand on his chin, looking up and humming like he was thinking. “Hmm, you’ll probably still be with Brandt, having the time of your life.”

“I call bullshit.”

“I know. You’d be miserable.”

I chuckled and patted my pants pocket as I stood, feeling around for my lighter. I had a pack of cigarettes in my locker in the back still. “See ya.”

“See ya. Let me know if you need a breathing buddy instead of a disco buddy.”