Page 44 of The Intimacy of Finding You

I didn’t know what else to do, so I followed him. I followed him up the stairs, down the hall, and into his bedroom. All the lights were off, but the curtains were parted just enough to let the city lights shine through.

The moon was high in the sky, shining at max brightness. It was beautiful. Callum didn’t seem to appreciate it, though, instead sitting at the edge of his bed, staring down at the floor. What was he seeing? I wanted to know. I didn’t know if I could ask, though.

I walked forward, standing right in front of him. “Callum?”

He tilted his head up, staring at me. His eyes were begging for something. Something I wasn’t sure I could give him. His voice was hoarse and shaky, and he had to clear his throat to get anything out. “The rocking chairs. I didn’t finish them in time.”

It was almost New Year’s Day. Just a few more hours, and it’d be a whole new year. But he still had time, didn’t he? “Okay. I’m sure you can finish them later, Cal.”

“No.” He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “No, Tobes. He’s dead.”

I had just started to warm up, and now ice was traveling all the way down my spine. The shock of his words had my muscles tightening and my brain short-circuiting. “What?”

“Papa died. Papa died, and I couldn’t save him. I was there. I was right there, Tobes. And he died!”

His forehead hit my stomach as he fell forward, his entire body shaking with his sobs. I didn’t even flinch. I just cradled the back of his head, staring out the window behind him. Grandpa Stanton had died? And Callum had been there? “Oh, Cal.” I slowly started to sink to the floor, landing on my knees. “Cal, I’m so sorry.”

“It hurts so much.”

I could feel it. Feel his hurt as if it were my own. It was massive, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I wished I could take it from him. I held his face, pulling him gently until our foreheads were touching. “I know. I know it hurts, baby. I’m so sorry.”

He gasped and hiccupped through more tears. “I can’t eat. I-I can’t sleep. I can’t do this. I can’t do it. I just can’t. Every time I close my eyes, h-his face is there. His eyes didn’t close. I didn’t get to close his eyes. He can’t—” His entire body shuddered, echoing into mine as he heaved a deep breath. “He can’t sleep with his eyes open.”

“Shhh, shhh, shhh. It’s okay.” I shifted forward, resting his head on my shoulder and holding him to me. “He can still rest, baby. He’s not hurting. You know that.”

“Do you think they closed them when they took him?”

“They did. I know they did.”

His arms came around me, squeezing me so tight, I struggled to breathe for a moment. “That’s it, Cal. Hold on to me. I’ve got you.”

“I can’t do it, Tobi. I can’t do this. Not without Papa.”

I started to rock us gently, ignoring the pain in my lower back from the position. Petting his hair, I tilted my head so I could whisper directly into his ear. “Yes, you can. You’re strong, baby. You’re so strong. I know you can do it.”

His fingers dug into my shoulder blades, like if he wasn’t clinging onto me, he’d float away. Just sink into the floor and never return. His cries were softer, and his breaths weren’t as deep. “My papa. I miss my papa. I miss my papa so much.”

“Shh, it’s okay. I know that, and so does he. He knows how much you love him.”

“It hurts so much, Tobes.”

“I know. I wish I could make it stop.”

He started to pull away a little, so I let him. He didn’t let me go, but he looked me right in the eyes. Dead center. Saw straight into my fucking soul. “This is why you drink.”

Not a question. Not a judgment. Not even just a statement. A painful, heartbreaking understanding from the one man I never wanted to understand. I shook my head and pushed his bangs out of his face. “Not anymore. Not anymore, Cal. If you have to feel this pain, then I’m gonna feel it too.”

A decision.

The last straw.

Callum paused, going completely still except for a small intake of much-needed breath. He looked between my eyes, searching for something. A lie? Was he expecting me to lie? Maybe disappointment. “Tobi, do you really mean that?”

I held each side of his face in my hands, trying to show him as best as I could. Show him how fucking serious I was. “For you? I’d do anything.”

He sniffled but was otherwise silent for a moment. We stayed like that, looking into each other’s eyes. His had swallowed me whole twelve years ago, and I hadn’t felt the same since I’d left them. It felt so right to be lost in them again. It took a lifetime's worth of weight off my shoulders, leaving me to dance with the wind.

I was sober. Stone-cold, hardcore, totally sober, and I felt fearless. Courageous. Certain. “Come here, baby. Let’s get you tucked into bed, and then I need to make a phone call from your phone if that’s okay.”