Page 59 of The Intimacy of Finding You

When they cut me open, they’d find his name. Every bone in my body would be etched with it. When they buried me six feet under, I’d deteriorate. I’d decompose and become food for tree roots and green grass and worms and bugs and flowers, and every single one of them would know his name. They’d carry his legacy, even if I couldn’t.

The world would never forget Tobi because I’d never forget Tobi. At least I had that. At least I had my memories.

chapter thirty

Present Day

Of course, he’d noticed. I didn’t actually think he hadn’t, but I’d been hoping he wouldn’t mention it. It was a stupid thing to hope for, but I’d still done it.

Callum turned off the lamp that sat on his nightstand, shrouding us in total darkness. His bed was big enough for us to have some room between us, just like our old bed in the apartment we used to live in. Like a line drawn in sand, no crossing allowed because I rarely ever allowed it.

Neither of us said anything as he shuffled on his side, getting comfortable. The past few nights, he’d slept on his side facing the windows, and I’d slept on mine, staring at his back until I’d fallen asleep. It was easier than facing him or facing away from him.

From where I could hear his breathing, it sounded like he was facing me, too. I tried blinking a few times, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. Was he looking at me? Or were his eyes closed?

“Tobi,” he whispered.

My breath hitched at the tone of his voice. “Yeah?”

“Can I touch you? Your face. I want to hold you. Touch you in some way. If that’s okay.”

Slowly, I could start to see the outline of him. He was in front of me, our noses aligned just right. If I moved forward and crossed the invisible line we’d created, they’d touch. Would our lips touch, too? I nodded. “Yes. Please do.”

I listened to the contented sigh he let out as his hand banished the line, cradling my cheek. His thumb swiped against my cheekbone. “Why do you sneak in here, Tobes? Why not wake me?”

I pulled my lip between my teeth, biting on the loose skin there. “You…make it easier. The cravings. The sadness. The everything. They hit me late at night, and I try to fight them alone. I do. But I’m scared, Cally. I’m scared I’ll lose myself.”

“I keep you from losing yourself?”

“Yeah. You ground me. You’re the reminder of the life I’m trying to have. You’re comforting. When I find it getting really hard, I just want you. Need you. I need you so badly, it hurts in my chest. So, I come to you instead of going to the bar. I come into your bed, and I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I pretend like it’s the past, and we aren’t starting over, and everything is the same as it used to be. I pretend like nothing has changed and that I’m allowed to want you the way I do.”

He shuffled closer. Just by barely an inch. I could see him now. See him clearly in the dark. No matter how dark or how lost, I’d always be able to find him, just as he’d found me. “I like my bed a lot better when you’re in it.” He pushed a bit of my hair back away from my forehead, his hand traveling back down to cup my jaw. “I think I was wrong. I don’t think we can start over.”

I glanced between his eyes, my heart picking up pace behind my ribcage. “What do you mean?”

“The way I love you? That isn’t a crush. It isn’t the beginning of a relationship. It’s twelve fucking years of yearning and loving you with my whole entire heart.” He took one of my hands, slowly bringing it to his chest, right over his heart. “Can you feel that, baby?”

The way his heart was also pounding? How warm he was? How real and safe he felt, right beneath my palm? “Yes. I can.”

“That’s not just love for a man I barely know. That’s a fire blazing and drums playing at a tempo far too fast. That’s love for a man I’ve known before, and I know now. Love for you in every form. It’s a burning light in the sky as a new star is born, just as an old one dies because I have loved you and I will love you for eternity. Even if it’s a different version of you. Of us.”

He didn’t have to move this time because I did. I caved to the pull between us, damning the line I’d drawn. I didn’t want the line. I wanted him. I needed him. I needed him in all the ways I’d deprived myself of for so fucking long.

My hand perfectly cradled his cheek, just as he’d done to me, holding him. Feeling his skin in a way I’d never let myself before. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t anxious. I didn’t want him to stop touching me. It was contradicting everything that used to be—but wasn’t that the point? He’d said every version of us.

Of me.

I pressed our noses together, whispering back to him. “Can I kiss you?”

“Not gonna tell me you love me, too?” His breath was warm against my skin as he matched my tone.

“I don’t think I can say it as good as you did. Let me show you that I do, instead of telling you.”

There was a short pause, a moment where I thought he was hesitating. “Kiss me, Tobias. Kiss me like you mean it. Like you love me. Kiss me like you’ve missed me all this time, so I can believe you won’t leave me again.”

I have. I have missed you. I won’t leave. I won’t leave again. I promise.

Saying it would’ve meant nothing. I had to show him how much I meant it. So, I tilted my head, pulling him in gently, and pressed my lips hard against his.