Page 72 of The Intimacy of Finding You

She was looking in my direction, but she wasn’t looking at me. Her eyes were unfocused, and there were tears gathering on her bottom lashes. She lifted her hand, pointing at the floor. Her voice was shaking—was it fear? Was it anger? Or was it because my demons had taken hold of her, too, and they were shaking her? Her lip trembled as she seemed to force her words out, small and timid, almost. “In the house? In my house?”

I nodded.

The pink robe around her shoulders shook with her entire body. Her hands trembled as she put them back in her lap, her eyes looking away from mine. Was she staring at the wall behind me, or was she staring at her memories, wondering where it’d all gone wrong?

“Oh, my god.” I could hear the moment her breath got caught in her throat. The next one was a gasp—a quick pant before she stopped breathing altogether. “Oh, my god. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him. I swear I’m gonna kill him.”

My hurt was her hurt, and her hurt was mine. They were interchangeable. We’d both trusted Mason. We’d both trusted the camp.

We’d both trusted, only to be betrayed by those who should’ve been the most trustworthy.

I wiped the matching tears beneath my eyes. “I left ‘cause I was scared. Everything felt so good and so right with Callum that I’d convinced myself it was too good to be true. I had already been freaking myself out, but then you said he was comin’ home. And I got scared, Mama. I ran.”

She was holding back. I could see it. I could tell. I could feel it from across the room. Her hands were clutching her robe, her knuckles turning white. Her lips were changing color, too, with how tightly she was keeping them closed. But her eyes… Fuck, her eyes were swimming, and her cheeks were shining, and I could hear her pain with every restrained breath she took. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I had no clue. If I’d known, oh, god, I would’ve—” She cut herself off, shaking her head. “It broke me when you told me what Thompson had done. I didn’t wanna leave you without a mama by goin’ off and killin’ somebody.” She huffed. “But this? Oh, baby, you can visit me in jail now. I ain’t too worried ‘bout it.”

“You couldn’t have known, Mom. I didn’t think nothin’ was gonna happen because, well, you saw how things went with Thompson. I just kept it a secret.”

She held her arms out to me, begging silently. Begging to hold me. I got up and walked over immediately, curling into her as much as possible. I couldn’t fit in her lap, or else I’d be there. Instead, I slid between her and the arm of the chair and ignored the pain in my back as I laid my head on her shoulder.

I closed my eyes as she started to pet my hair in slow, soft motions. “Oh, my baby.” She whispered. “Thank you.”

Feeling her fingers card through my hair reminded me of when I was a kid. When she’d come tuck me into bed, sing me a song, and push the hair away from my forehead to give me a kiss there. It reminded me of the childhood safety I’d had, if only for a little while. “What for?”

“Just ‘cause I’m your mom don’t mean I’m owed your trust. Thank you for trustin’ me. Thank you for comin’ back. Thank you for bein’ so strong, and thank you for bein’ yourself.” She pressed a kiss to the side of my head, breathing in the scent of my hair. “I am so proud to have raised you, son. Even more, I’m gonna fight like hell for you.” Her voice lowered, cracking and fading with each new word. “It’s the bare fuckin’ minimum I can do.”

I clung to her like I was six again and scared of all the things that didn’t make sense. Like the dark and the shadows that lurked in it. I gripped her robe, crushing the fuzzy material between my fingers. “I’m here now, Mama. I don’t care what happens with Mason. I don’t care that Thompson died before somethin’ could’ve happened to him. I don’t care because I just care that I’m here. The past don’t matter right now. Nothin’ else matters. Nobody else matters. I’m back with you and with Cal. I’m sober. I’m so fuckin’ happy, and for so long, I didn’t think that’d ever be a possibility for me.”

“It’s always been a possibility, Tobi baby. Always.”

“I know that now, Mom. I know that now.”

She pressed her cheek against my head, sniffling through a shaky breath. “And for the rest of your life ‘cause neither me nor Callum over there will let you forget it. Okay?”

For the rest of my life. That sounded pretty fucking good to me. Really fucking good. Having Mom by my side, and Callum just across from me, and the entire OG staff at Fire and Ice… Fuck, it was a dream I never thought I’d get to have again.

I’d sat across the street, drunk off my ass and wasting away, thinking of all the time I’d missed out on. I’d thought it was too late. I’d told myself there was no way I’d ever get what I really wanted. I’d convinced myself that part of my life was over, and I made no efforts to change that.

Now I had ten years’ worth of catching up to do. God, I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life making up for that and more.

I nodded, breathing in Mom's signature perfume, reminding myself that I didn’t need to commit every note to memory because I’d see her again. I wasn’t going to run. I wasn’t going to leave her behind. “Okay.”

chapter thirty-four

Tobi looked so fucking gorgeous, even under the dim lighting from the shitty hotel lamp. We had to travel a bit to get back here, but it was worth it to spend some quality time together like this. The world outside was so quiet. So peaceful. Even the moon seemed to shine differently in Arkansas.

I could see the stars a lot easier, and I could’ve sworn I saw Tobi’s name written in them. They knew he was back, and they’d prepared for that. They’d welcomed him.

Gently, I caressed the side of his face, smiling when he did the same. There was a small gap in between us on the bed, though it wasn’t to keep us apart. It was so we could see each other—really see each other.

He leaned in closer to me, whispering. “I love you, Cal.”

“I love you, Tobes. I’m so proud of you.”

“Me too, honestly.”

“You should be. You did something really hard.”

He sighed, wrapping his fingers around my wrist, holding it where it was on his face. “Do you think we’ll be okay?”