Page 119 of Let’s Be Real

It turned out, not being constantly exhausted made a difference.

Not a huge difference, but enough that I could see a break in the clouds wide enough to allow some hope to hit me.

The darkness wasn’t going to be endless. My mind accepted this wasn’t permanent. I could get past it. Grasping onto that sliver of hope got me through those first couple days.

I’d met with a team of doctors. They hadn’t said it, but their expressions had been easy to read. They didn’t think I’d been on the right medicine or dosage, and they disagreed with the tapering my previous doctor had had me doing.

I didn’t have a medical degree, but I’d barely survived the results, so I pretty strongly disagreed as well.

On the fourth day, I managed to walk outside and sit in the sun. The sliver widened.

It helped when Roman came to visit. He couldn’t stay long, but he sat with me outside, keeping a hand on me at all times.

“Ben and Adrian want to see you too.”

“They can come. I’m not going anywhere.”

He moved his hand over my back and onto my shoulder. “And Sammie?”

I swallowed hard. “I think I need more time. The way she saw me…”

He didn’t say anything, but the way his jaw rippled, I could tell he was biting down hard on his molars.

I nudged his side. “You can’t hold back to protect me.” I glanced at a nearby nurse. “They won’t let me jump off the roof—even if I want to.”

That earned me a hard glare. “Not funny.”

“Right. Too soon.” I squeezed my eyes closed. I didn’t know why I’d said that. “I’m not sure I know how to be normal anymore.”

“Say whatever you need to, but do me a favor and keep those kinds of jokes to group therapy, all right?”

“I can do that.”

I felt his gaze on the side of my face, more searching than hard. “You need to see Samantha.”

“I want to.” I dragged my fingers through my hair then let my hand fall heavy in my lap. Gravity had eased the last day or two, but there was still more pressing on me than there should have been. “I need to get a little better. I don’t want her seeing…this.”

He blinked a few times. “You’re making a mistake. You need each other.”

I shook my head. “She doesn’t need me like this.”

“I strongly disagree. I saw her that night, Nate. She’ll take you in any form she can have you, as long as you’re breathing.”

The next morning, I woke up with a start, her name on the tip of my tongue. I clutched my chest, convinced my heart was going to break out and run off to find her.

I was sitting outside again when she arrived, carrying the sun with her. Her mouth quivered as she looked me over.

I didn’t know what to do. Laugh with relief, burst into quaking sobs, or apologize to her for the thousandth time.

She took the options right out of my hands as she threw herself at me. For one awful second, I froze, unsure I had the right to touch her. Then instinct won out, and I caught her, hugging her as tightly as I could, taking in a great inhale of her hair, her neck—her.

“You look so much better,” she whispered.

“You look beautiful,” I replied.

I wasn’t better. There were cracks of goodness filtering through the bleak crust of concrete wrapped around my brain, but I’d spent the better part of my day wondering how I was going to gather the energy to be present for her visit.

Still, I had hope.