Page 99 of Will to Run

“I don’t care.”

“Don’t say that,” she says.

“But it’s true. So fine, you don’t want a relationship, that’s fine. I’ll still wait for you on the chance you do.”

“And when I leave Amberheart?” she asks.

“If you leave,” I respond.

“When, Jax. When I leave.”

“Well, I’ll figure it out then. Day by day. But I’m not letting you walk without a fight, Tatroe.”

Her smile peeks out again as she shakes her head, and I take it for the fucking victory it is. “You can’t contain me here, Jaxon.”

“Damn right I can’t. Remember, you’re going to rise like the sun. I’m not giving up on you staying here, but if you end up in Custer, it doesn’t matter; I’ll come out there for you. I hear they have good… I’m not sure what the fuck they have, it will have you. And that’s all that matters.”

She bites her bottom lip as she studies my face.

“I’ll leave you with that.” Making a show of checking my watch, I know the best thing is not to overstay my welcome pleading my case. I need to leave her wanting to continue the interaction. “My five minutes are up. Can I hug you goodbye?”

She stares at me like she did when I first arrived, but there’s a softness to her face now, or maybe that’s just resignation knowing I’m not going to go down without a fight.

Or maybe it’s my imagination, and I’m seeing what I want to see.

“A platonic friend hug,” she asks.

“Yes, of course, friend,” I say, pulling her in. When she is flush against my body, I hear a tiny sigh and she melts like she used to. She is still mostly naked, and I make a concerned effort to deny my muscle memory to not run my hands over the curve of her ass like I want to, but she in fully tucked into the space she belongs. She rests her ear on my chest, and I smile.

Fuck, this feels so right.

“Do you feel that, Del?” I whisper, asking her the same thing I did the night we were walking back from my sister’s house.

“Feel what?” she asks.

“How perfectly you fit into my arms. It’s like you were made for me.”

“Friends don’t say that. It would have been less intimate if you had made a dick reference,” she says.

“I can do that too, if you’d like. Sir Magnum would always like to be part of the conversation,” I laugh.

She returns the laugh and lets me hold her for another minute before she pulls away. “You have to go, Jaxon.”

“Thank you for letting me talk to you, Della. It’s more than I deserve and I fucking know it.”

I’m not sure exactly how I would characterize the way she is looking at me, but it sure as shit isn’t hate. And I will take that win.

47

DELLA

After I shut, lock, and pull the curtain, I sit on my couch and replay the interaction. My heart still hasn’t slowed; be that because he scared the shit out of me, or because Jaxon usually could make it race.

The truth I admitted to myself last night remains; I miss him. When I pass him in the barn or hear that laugh, or catch him looking at me, I get sad. The longing for something I thought was something. But I’m not lying about wanting time to find me again. The me that hasn’t been around since my mom died when I got saddled with enough guilt that would have put lesser people in the ground.

But haven’t I found more of myself here than I have since that terrible day? Wasn’t being here the reason I was doing exactly that?

Moving back to my painting room, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Holy shit. I don’t have clothes on, I think as the laughter bubbles out of me. He sure kept it together.