Page 50 of Sight Unseen

My stomach clenched. Truth time. Nothing for it, the ugly was going to come out now.

“You know what happened. My father.” I laughed bitterly. “I went home that weekend to my family, hoping they’d see past their bigotry to the fact I was happy. With you. I hoped they’d see that and not the rhetoric they’d lived. I was their only son, for God’s sake. I thought I stood a chance at breaking through. But my dad tore everything apart like a lion savaging a zebra. He took something beautiful and bloodied it with his hate, and his holier-than-thou views. You know this bit though.”

“I know that part, yes.” Cody’s fingers stroked the inside of my wrist. “I know how they treated you when you came out. It’s why you came to live with us.”

I nodded jerkily. “Well, apart from kicking me out, my father gave me an ultimatum. He wanted me to stop embarrassing him, and threatened to do some awful things to your family if I didn’t do what he wanted, which was to leave you.” I gave a harsh laugh. “He knew the best way to get at me was by hurting you or your family. So he threatened to shut down your father’s business and turn his name to mud if I kept seeing you that way. He knew the chairman of the bank that loaned your dad the money for his business. My dad was going to have the loan called in. I knew that would have been a death knell to your dad’s business.”

Cody laid a hand on my arm “That could have been bad, but we would have dealt with it. Why didn’t you tell me?” Not one trace of anger. God, he was amazing.

“He wasn’t only going to destroy your dad. He was going spread nasty rumors that you’d been getting familiar with some of the younger boys on your surfing team.”

Cody growled and swore filthily. In his youth he had coached some of the young team members. He’d been passionate about it, a mentor to the younger kids, and was well loved.

I splayed my hands helplessly. “I knew he’d do it. We were both going away to different colleges anyway and would hardly see each other, so I thought you’d be safe there, away from him. It seemed the best thing to do at the time. Cut you loose to placate my father, even if I had to lie to you. That way you and your family wouldn’t get hurt. No way was I going to allow him to ruin your reputation like that. It would have followed you around all your life, no matter what we did to mitigate it. You know it would have.” I blew out a breath. “So I broke up with you. It was the only way.”

Cody moved away, the sudden loss scary.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You let your dad decide what was best for us, what was best for me? Why didn’t you talk to us about it? We could have fought back, gotten my folks involved. So what if he threatened my dad’s business and my reputation?” Cody sounded bewildered. “Nate, we could have gotten through that. We would have found a way around it somehow. You didn’t have to deal with that all on your own.”

His feeling of betrayal was palpable. I was right not to want to bring up the ugly. The fragile beginning of what we could be was disintegrating before we had a chance to try.

“You told me back then you didn’t care for me. All these years you’ve been lying and breaking my heart in the process. I understand you have this need to protect me, I do. And I love you for it, but I also hate you for not telling me the truth.”

His sandals made soft flopping sounds as he paced across the wooden floor. “I’m trying to figure out how to process all this.” The pacing stopped, the sharpness of his tone making my heart sink to my boots. “I should be so fucking angry with you for shoving me away like that.”

Something tinkled loudly and I guessed he’d walked into the wind chime hanging by the door.

I swallowed down the huge lump in the back of my throat. “I understand,” I managed to get out, eyes burning with unshed tears. “I lied to you, wasted any time we might have had together. I can never get that back for us. I fucked up and I don’t deserve you. In my defense, I was seventeen, scared of what my dad would do because you know he would have been as vindictive as hell. And we were going to be apart for four years anyway. I thought it was the right thing to do.” I shrugged. “That’s the only excuse I can offer.”

He had every right to be pissed off. The deck door opened and I heard him walk outside. I wanted to follow but knew I needed to let him be. He needed time.

I sat on the old, worn sofa and put my head in my hands. Twelve years of being together yet apart was a lot to take in.

Shit, I’d waited too long. There was no coming back from this.

Minutes passed and I rested my head on the back of the sofa. Scents of sweat, coconut oil and men’s aftershave teased my nostrils with memories of us watching movies, eating meals and sharing beers. Those days seemed so far away, and I closed my eyes and lost myself in those old times for a moment.

A waft of air, a nuance of Cody’s unique scent, signaled he was nearby and then he was beside me. I opened my eyes and stared blankly at my hands resting on my legs.

His long fingers cupped my chin, forcing me to look up. “You know what? I should be really pissed off, but I’m not.” Soft fingers caressed my cheek. “I look at you and the guilt you’ve been holding all these years. I look at how damn brave you’ve been not letting your blindness get you down and how hard you’ve worked to get to where you are now, and I wonder what kind of person I’d be if I got angry with you over something I can’t change. Something that was done out of love to protect me and my family, however misguided it might have been.”

My throat ached even as hope flared. He hadn’t made me leave yet. I took that as a good sign.

“I was just a scared kid,” I muttered. “My dad thought I’d get over it if you weren’t in the picture. He didn’t understand being gay is something you don’t get over. It’s who you are.”

“Just like you are part of me.” Cody’s arms drew me in and pulled us up, his wiry strength enfolding me, making me whole. “I might need a bit of time to digest all this, but not having you in my life has never been an option.”

We stood there, hearts beating in tandem, and I leaned my face against his chest and I thanked God for Cody Fisher.

“Why did he hate me and my family so much?” The pain in Cody’s voice made my heart ache. “What did we ever do to him?”

I smiled sadly. “He never liked your parents’ lifestyle, thought it was amoral and they were degenerates. It wasn’t in line with his holier-than-thou beliefs. Their son hanging around with me, the son he wanted to follow in his footsteps and didn’t, that was an insult. Somehow, in his mind it was all your fault. He even said you’d turned me gay because it was inconceivable that his wife would give birth to something like me.”

“What a prick,” Cody mumbled into my neck.

“Yeah, well, I’d never been the son he wanted. I wasn’t into hunting and fishing, and he needed something outside his existence to blame for me not being who he wanted me to be. He couldn’t cope with having a gay son. He was sure it would bring down his good name and making him a laughingstock. He hated to be embarrassed or shown up.”

Oh boy how he hated it.