Page 60 of Smoke and Glitter

Something in me goes quiet. It doesn't break. That already happened. This is quieter than that, the moment I stop waiting for him to save it.

I nod.

"Okay."

"Autumn."

"No." I shake my head. "Don't."

"That's not what I..."

"I asked you to tell me what this is. You couldn't."

He starts to speak.

"I asked you to make me feel different from everyone else in your life. You couldn't."

His mouth closes.

"I asked you to let me know one piece of you that I didn't have to get from somebody else."

I look at him.

"You couldn't do that either."

"I'm trying."

"No."

The word comes out sharper than anything else I've said tonight.

"You're not."

He flinches. Good. Maybe I want that to hurt. Maybe I'm allowed.

"You are standing there explaining why you shouldn't have to."

"That's not fair."

"Probably not."

I pull my hands back into my pockets because they're shaking.

"But I came here anyway."

He moves around the couch.

I put up one hand.

"Don't."

He stops.

"Just wait."

The laugh that comes out of me is tiny and wrecked.

"I have."