Page 22 of The Gentleman Physician

“Very well,” she whispered. “Speak.”

His chest rose and fell with a deep breath and she could see the words collecting behind his eyes.

“When I asked your father for permission to court you and he denied me, I was not surprised.” Each word left his lips evenly; he didn’t hesitate over one of them. “But when I went to you, to tell you of what he said, to inform you of my intentions, and even my feelings for you, I was not permitted to speak. Instead, you told me it had been nothing more than a fancy of yours to pass time in my company, and a dream of mine that we could be more.”

“I remember,” she said quickly, looking away from him. “I do not need what we said rehearsed to me, Doctor Hastings.” Indeed, she repeated it often enough to herself.

“What you didn’t allow me to say five years ago was how much I truly cared for you. Our friendship meant a great deal to me, and the feelings I came to have for you were true and honorable.” He stumbled on that word and his eyes went to the ground, as though it shamed him to admit he’d cared for her in that manner.

His stance never relaxed, his eyes never softened. “I have never felt betrayal, or pain, as I did when you told me I ought to leave. I did leave. I left the entire city of London behind. I haven’t gone back.”

Julia clutched the paper in one hand and her skirt in the other, burying her fingers in the folds and pinching them together. To stand there and hear him speak of that time made her recall not just their conversation, but the words she exchanged with her father not long after; the words which led to her banishment from London and her father’s permanent disdain.

“I am sorry,” she said, but he raised a hand to prevent her from saying more.

“You dealt me a serious injury, Miss Devon. It took me months to recover. Maybe more than months.” That admission gave him pause and Julia watched, aching for him and the pain she’d caused. When he continued, it was with a softer tone.

“But I did return to myself again. I found my way to Edinburgh to finish my training as a physician. I found my purpose in becoming a doctor, in healing the hurts of others.” He looked up at last, meeting her eyes more steadily, and she saw that purpose burning within them. “I needed you to know, to understand, that I am a whole person again and have been for some time. I have no ill feelings towards you, Miss Devon. I wish you the very best.” He offered the slightest of bows to her.

“I must excuse myself. There is a young lady in your parlor I must escort home again.” He stepped around her, picking up his bag from a table by the door. He disappeared into the hall without another word.

Julia couldn’t move, couldn’t understand what had happened. Had Nathaniel forced her to listen to his rejection of her? Did he only wish to inflict more pain?

No. He did not think she would feel anything about his declaration. He did not allow her to even apologize. All he wanted to say, from what she understood, was that he no longer cared for her at all.

Her heart shuddered and Julia forced away her feelings. She refused to allow them to weaken her. She would not examine them, not at present. Why should she even need to do so? It had been years since they walked together in the parks of London, laughing and talking, sharing secret looks, each word spoken hinting at more than a friendship between them.

Why should she even bother trying to determine why her chest felt as if a vise clamped around it?

Julia straightened her shoulders and went to the doorway, but paused when she saw an elegant woman, near the front door, accepting a cloak from Nathaniel’s hands.

Stepping back into the shadows, remaining unseen, Julia at last made sense of his final words to her. He had a young woman with him, and an older, genteel woman who must be a chaperone. They were well dressed, pleasant-looking people. And Nathaniel was smiling as he talked to them, all his cold formality gone. These people, strangers to her, set him at ease.

He has likely chosen a lady and only wished me to understand, to make certain I harbored no feelings for him. Julia covered her mouth and turned away. She waited there until she heard the front door open and shut on the doctor and his friends. Then she rushed upstairs, trying with each step to keep her emotions at bay a little longer.

Really, she ought to have suspected he would have a lady in his life. If not a wife, then someone he cared for. Nathaniel Hastings remained kind, loyal, honorable, and everything a woman might want in a companion. Everything one would want in a husband.

Julia knew she could never allow herself to dream of him again. Not when his heart belonged to another.

Chapter Nine

Once a week, Nathaniel met Timothy Olivier for luncheon at one of the many tearooms in Bath. Their favorite was The White Fountain. It purported to be one of the oldest establishments in town and offered a selection of bottled water from different years in the city’s history. Timothy and Nathaniel contented themselves with coffee, soup, and sandwiches.

“I cannot believe you actually spoke to Miss Devon,” Timothy said around his cup of coffee. “And that she didn’t throw you out on your ear.”

“You are the one who told me to confront her.” Nathaniel narrowed his eyes at his friend. “Why would you advise me to do so if you thought it would end poorly for me?”

“Because it’s what I would do.” Timothy lowered his cup to its place on the table. “But you’re always careful, Nate. I didn’t think you’d ever dream of giving her a piece of your mind.”

“Well, I have. But with the utmost respect.” Despite the truthfulness of this statement, Nathaniel felt uneasy every time he thought of standing there, in that darkened study, forcing his words upon her. He had expected to feel better, and he had, for perhaps a quarter of an hour. Following that, every time he thought on the one-sided conversation, he could only remember how hard she’d tried not to look at him, how stiff she’d stood, and the pained expression on her face.

But why would his words cause her any pain?

“Good. With that out of the way, you can begin your search for a wife.”

Nathaniel’s attention returned swiftly to his friend and he sat back in his spindly little chair, astonishment overtaking him. “I can begin what?”

“You heard every word I said. You can find yourself a wife.” Timothy grinned and took a healthy bite from a sandwich.