Page 105 of The Devil and His Ghost

I hadn’t meant being with a demon was awful or that I hated it. But it probably sounded that way to him—that being with him felt like a prison sentence or a companionship forced upon me instead of one I’d always …

Xander’s golden eyes finally yet slowly lifted to meet mine. I waited for him to crack a smile like he always did, lying behind his perfect grin. But instead, his detached expression shifted, not with a grin, but with a dejected grimace. He turned away.

“Kendyll?”

I quickly whipped around to find the three human women smiling at me as they waited at a standing table right by the dance floor.

Shaking off the swarming jitters, I cleared my throat and banished the mental image of Xander’s heartbroken face. Or rather, I tried to. “I thought we were dancing.”

“We don’t actually dance that much,” Serenity laughed nervously, twirling the ends of her curly silver ponytail. “Not a lot anyway.”

“Except this one,” Iyla said with a point at Harper. “Our lovely ballerina.”

Harper, who stood beside me, gave a small bow. “You flatter me. I’m certainly a dancer, but the one best suited for dancing in a place like this is—”

“Addie,” the three girls said in unison with a shared smile.

I grinned. “She did seem at home on the dance floor that last time we were here.” I passed a look around the girls. “Also, I’m sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings back there. I didn’t mean anything against demons or those who choose their company. I just meant it in the sense of spirit-demon relations. I get pretty protective over ghosts, and I don’t like the claim or control that a Mischief demon can wield over them without their consent.”

Harper hummed a bitter, understanding sound under her breath while staring at her clasped hands on the table. “I get it. If there’s one thing I get, it’s the importance of consent.”

We shared a look, and suddenly, I saw clearly what I hadn’t noticed before. In the time I’d spent with Harper, I’d caught her wearing a detached gaze when a male demon came too close to touching a spot of bare skin that her dress didn’t cover or when someone who wasn’t Perseus looked at her lustfully. I wanted to reach out as though to silently express that I stood beside her in those feelings, but I just clenched my hands tighter where they were crossed across my chest.

“Don’t worry,” Iyla told me. “I don’t think any of us took it that way.”

Yeah, except every demon at that table, I grumbled ruefully in the safety of my head.

Oblivious to my thoughts, Iyla continued, “Ghosts and demons are the world you’ve always belonged to. We can guess how much both mean to you.”

“Especially a certain demon,” Serenity teased.

I wanted to smile alongside them, but at the mention of Xander, my chest ached anew. Hurting him was nothing new to me, and I’d convinced myself that doing so was in his best interest long term. Getting involved with me wouldn’t be good for anyone.

Yet this time felt different.

This time felt deeper.

My harsh words rang in my ears. A prisoner. A captive. I bet those same words were playing on repeat in his mind right now. I hated that I’d planted those painful seeds, but what else could I do? How was I supposed to lean on him and accept his affection while giving mine in return when all I knew how to do was hurt and run and protect myself?

“Can—Can I ask you guys something?” I questioned while refusing to meet any of their eyes.

“Of course,” they said.

I licked my dry lips while fighting the urge to look back at Xander. Instead of doing that, I laid myself bare. “I’m a bitch. I don’t really know how else to put it. I’ve always been … I don’t know. Prickly, I guess. Especially to the person most important to me. But I don’t want to be. I want …”

I closed my eyes and thought about every moment in my life when I was at my happiest, my safest, my truest. The one constant in each of those memories was the demon I never stopped hurting.

I blew out a breath and finished, “I want to be with him. I just don’t know how after everything we’ve been through.” I swallowed hard. “After everything I’ve been through. He deserves better than my ugly, broken pieces.”

Everyone was quiet for a beat with only the club music and demons talking, screaming, moaning, or laughing. I chanced a look at the girls, dreading the judgement or awkwardness I’d no doubt find, but I was rendered frozen when I saw all of them wearing wistful smiles.

“The three of us have been through some pretty difficult things,” Iyla began slowly. She raised her hand. “For example, I have a controlling and manipulative mother who hates me and used my sick little sister as leverage to keep me in the cage she’d built for me.”

My brows rose.

Harper leaned back with her hands on the table to fix her blue eyes on the ceiling above us. “I was raped.” Her nose scrunched, and her eyes closed tightly. “A coworker, a woman, helped him do it, too.”

My lips parted in horror while my blood ran cold.