Page 106 of The Devil and His Ghost

Serenity tugged on the end of her silver ponytail and shifted from foot to foot. “I was bullied, belittled, and abused by my boyfriend of eight years, yet everyone in my life saw me as the problem instead of him. Including myself. I … hated myself and wanted to die for a long time. Tried dying a few of those times.”

I snapped my mouth shut with a miserable frown.

Iyla reached out to grab Harper’s and Serenity’s hands. The girls, tears in their eyes, reached back until six hands all crossed and clung to each other in a pile at the center of the table.

“None of us,” Iyla continued while staring at their joined hands, “felt worthy of love. We didn’t think we were allowed, capable, or deserving of it. The world and those near us certainly didn’t let us think so.”

Iyla’s glittering brown eyes looked past Harper and toward the table where we’d left the group of demons. I knew if I followed her line of sight, it would lead right to Zagan. “But he did. They did. While we felt alone, broken, and helpless, we found a home with a demon who didn’t ask us to be anything other than exactly who we are. Flaws and all. Past and all. They love us, not because we’re easy or perfect or even whole. They love us because we are worthy. We are allowed. We are capable, and we deserve to be happy.”

Iyla looked across the table at me. “The same goes for you, Kendyll. No matter what you’ve been through, no matter what you’ve done, there’s a home with a love-sick demon who’s waiting inside for you. All you have to do is open the door and go in.”

I stared at that pile of hands across the table. I didn’t even realize I was crying until I felt the fat droplets splatter onto my arms. A tightness took up residency in my chest as Iyla’s words struck a chord deep inside of me. Hadn’t Xander said something similar long ago? Had he been waiting inside that house all this time with the light on, just hoping I’d open the door? The thought made a shaky, wet breath sputter past my lips.

I wanted to open that door.

I wanted to come home to him.

But how did I do that? I had a feeling it started with overcoming my fears, which were plentiful. I feared touch. I feared being happy since the only thing left after that would be heartbreak. I feared losing Xander forever and never finding my Mr. Monster waiting in the dark ever again. Xander once said he thought I was brave. I didn’t feel very brave, but I wanted to be. I didn’t know how to push past all of my worries, but maybe I could start small. I could start here.

Taking a deep breath, I uncrossed my arms and reached out to hold tightly to the many hands in front of me.

Chapter 36

Xander

(Present Day)

I COULDN’T WATCH KENDYLL AS she got up from the table to follow Iyla, Harper, and Serenity to the dance floor. I couldn’t even fucking breathe. Everything inside of me screamed as icy frost coated my insides, and it took every bit of strength I had to keep from breaking right there in front of everyone.

A prisoner.

A captive.

That was how Kendyll saw us.

I felt the heat of her gaze and slowly looked up. She had paused and was staring at me in concern. I wanted to smile. Goddamit, I should’ve smiled so we could’ve kept pretending that everything was fine, that she didn’t hate being with me, that she didn’t want to run like she’d always fucking done. But I couldn’t smile. All I could do was fall apart from the devastation of how badly I loved her while knowing there was no coming back from where we’d ended up. I could follow her around as much as I wanted. I could flirt and try to remind her of our plans, dreams, and memories before my broken promise and lie, but at what cost?

“Ruan Yitang.”

I took in a sharp breath, realizing Kendyll no longer stood where I’d been staring but had moved to a table. I swallowed hard and turned to Perseus who had moved to Kendyll’s empty chair beside me. He must’ve been calling my name for some time, because he’d shifted close with one arm braced on the table and the other holding the back of my chair to cage me in on his side. His brow and lips were severe with their worried downward curve.

I smiled. Or at least, I tried to. I wasn’t sure what expression managed to come out. “Right. Business. Coldin, when—”

“Stop,” Perseus growled. “Xander, you know—”

“Shut up,” I snapped, snarling my fangs at Perseus. “Shut up, Perseus. Please. Let’s talk about the Mischief demon at Mountview before I fucking explode, okay?”

I was breathing hard while anger, desperation, anguish, and longing spiraled in my gut in a horrible mixture. Coldin took a puff on the black cigarette and blew out a cloud of pink smoke while the other three guys stared long and hard at me before waving their surrender.

I blew out a thankful huff and turned to the drummer. “Coldin, when are you available to kill again?”

“Five days,” he answered flatly.

As a Letum demon under a contract with us, he was only allowed to kill once a month unless the Boss ordered him in on a special job. Killing and torturing was all Hell’s assassin knew how to do, so without that stipulation, the path this demon walked down would be stained red, a chorus of screams in his wake.

“I have your next target then,” I told him. “I’m not actually sure who the Mischief demon is, so you’ll have to come to Mountview and catch him while he’s there. Kendyll wants to free all of the ghosts he has under his command, and we all know killing him is easier than trying to convince him to let go of his power source.”

Coldin took another drag before tilting his head back to slowly exhale the pink smoke into the air. “Killing demons isn’t as fun. I don’t get to keep them. Do I get to play with him first?”