Page 28 of Sex On A Plate

CABBAGE ROLLS

DIFFICULTY: Must be able to handle dick-shaped objects.

TIME: An hour and 30 minutes. More like an hour and 20, but this is your first time, you’ll undoubtedly fuck up one or two of the rolls.

What you’ll need from the cupboard: A skillet, 13x9 casserole dish, 8x8 casserole dish, a sharp knife, mixing bowl, and a spatula.

What you’ll need from the pantry: Pam Cooking Spray, salt, pepper, dried onion, a head of cabbage, two pounds of ground beef, apple cider vinegar (white vinegar works), a 24 ounce can of tomato sauce (or marinara, depending on preference), a bag of Uncle Ben’s Whole Grain Brown Ready Rice (or rice of choice), 2 eggs, salt, pepper, and garlic powder.

* * *

Remove the outer leaves from the cabbage (the off-colored funny feeling ones).

Wash the entire head.

Using the sharp knife, make 4 cuts around the “stem” of the cabbage (in a square), directing the point of your knife toward the center of the cabbage head. After you’ve made the cuts, you should be able to remove the stem in a small pyramid shaped core. That’s the end result you’re after, so make it your intention as you’re slicing into the head of cabbage.

You’re not trying to remove the entire core, just the stem and the thickest portion of it.

Microwave the head of cabbage for about 8 minutes, depending on your microwave. Mine does it in 7, but not because it’s a good microwave. It’s a pretty shitty microwave to be honest, but it gets REALLY hot REALLY fast.

While the cabbage is cooking, mix the two pounds of raw hamburger, two eggs, a bag of Uncle Ben’s rice (or 2 cups of cooked rice), 2 tablespoons of dried onions, a little salt and liberal amount of pepper.

Knead the mixture until it’s mixed evenly.

Set aside.

Wash your hands.

Remove the cabbage from the microwave, being cautious that’s it’s hot as fuck. Set it on the countertop stem side (or, what was once the stem) down. Carefully peel away the leaves from top to bottom, being careful not to tear them to shreds in the process.

Peeling away a big leaf without tearing it is like watching Doctor Pimple Popper popping a huge zit. Satisfying as fuck.

Some of the leaves (outer most) will be twice the size of the inner leaves. You can cut the larger leaves into sections if need be. The size of leaf you’ll need is about the size of a man’s hand (if you don’t have access to a man or his hand, make them about the size of a 1/3 sheet of 8-1/2x11 paper.

They don’t need to be perfect, and you’ll likely only need to cut 3-4 of them.

I probably shouldn’t have even mentioned this step, because now you’ll be fucking around cutting all the cabbage leaves into little rectangles. Nevertheless, lay the cabbage leaves into piles, rectangular or not.

Remember when we made the enchiladas?

Place your Pam coated casserole dish in front of you like you’re making enchiladas. If you have a shitty memory (or if you skipped that chapter), situate it with a long side on your left and a long side on your right. The two short ends will be in front of you and away from you.

Coat the bottom of the casserole dish with a thick layer of the sauce you’re using. My two favorites are RAO’S Tomato Basil or just plain Hunt’s Tomato Sauce. Set the remaining sauce aside, you’ll need it later.

Remove a meatball-sized chunk of the meat mixture and roll it between your palms like you’re forming a meat dick. When it’s dick shaped, drop it in a cabbage leaf. Now, roll the leaf up like an enchilada. Fold the ends of the cabbage in when you’re halfway done rolling it up (like you’re making a burrito).

If there’s not enough cabbage to tuck in the ends, that’s fine. Again, I shouldn’t have mentioned it.

Place the cabbage burrito in the 13x9 casserole dish. Make another cabbage burrito. Place it beside the first. Repeat until the dish is filled.

NOTE: The little cabbage burritos will be three-fourths of the dish’s width. In the leftover space you can stack several more cabbage rolls, lengthwise. I generally fit 6 more in this cavity.

Cover the bottom of the second (8x8) casserole dish in sauce. Add 2 tablespoons of vinegar and stir until mixed well. Before you spout off some slick shit about the first dish not having vinegar, I know. I know. Just do what I’m telling you.

Fill the second dish with cabbage burritos.

Cover both dishes with the remaining sauce. A 24-ounce jar should do it all.