Page 30 of Sex On A Plate

NOT YOUR MOTHER’S MEATLOAF

DIFFICULTY: Hahahaha. It’s a fucking meatloaf.

TIME: An hour and 20 minutes

What you’ll need from the cupboard: An 8x4 meatloaf pan, a mixing bowl, kitchen scissors, and a skillet.

What you’ll need from the pantry: 2 pounds of ground round (don’t go with any of that 80/20 shit here). Bacon (4-5 slices). 3/4 a cup of ketchup. A jar of Heinz Chili Sauce (no substitutes). Accent (no substitutes). Worcestershire. 2 eggs. A cup and a half of breadcrumbs. 1 packet of Lipton’s Onion Soup Mix. Prepared horseradish.

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This meatloaf—when compared to any other meatloaf—has an extra step. Only because you have to pre-cook a little bacon. It’s worth it in the end. When your family tries this, they’ll throw rocks at you each time you try to serve any other meatloaf (no matter how good you think your meatloaf is).

You can thank me later.

Cut each slice of the bacon with the kitchen scissors into three even pieces. This should give you 15 pieces of bacon if you did it right.

Cook the bacon in the skillet until it’s about three-fourths done (when the edges start to curl up and it’s no longer translucent). Remove from skillet and pat dry with a paper towel. Please, do NOT cook until crispy.

Preheat oven to 350.

Mix the 2 pounds of ground round, 3/4 a cup of ketchup, 1-1/2 cups breadcrumbs, 2 eggs, a teaspoon of prepared horseradish, 2 teaspoons of Worcestershire, and a teaspoon of Accent. Next, knead in the Lipton’s soup mix.

Don’t argue with me on the Accent or the horseradish. Believe me, it makes all the difference in the world. As does the Chili Sauce.

When it’s mixed thoroughly, stuff it into the meatloaf pan. Using the edge of your hand (or fingertips) press the perimeter of the loaf lower than the center, making the end result look like a loaf of cooked bread.

Drape the bacon slices left to right (remember how we situate pans?) across the entire loaf. The 15 slices should cover the entire loaf (they’re roughly ½” wide).

Slather Chili Sauce over the top of the loaf.

Cook for one hour, uncovered.

Let it sit for 10-15 minutes before slicing.

A thick slice will include 2 slices of bacon, whereas a thin one will have 1 slice.

This was my grandmother’s (father’s mother) meatloaf recipe. When I was a kid, I saw it as something other than meatloaf, because when my mother cooked meatloaf, and I HATED it (she put big chunks of bell pepper and all kinds of other shit in it).

My grandmother’s meatloaf, on the other hand, was heavenly.

She often served it with homemade bread, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans that were picked from her garden. We hated snapping the green beans as kids. I now wish we had things like that to bring (and keep) families together.

I’m sure this will become a part of your regular rotation, if not your go-to meatloaf.

Enjoy.