Page 51 of Sex On A Plate

GRILLED BREAKFAST BURRITOS

TIME: 16 minutes.

What you’ll need from the cupboard: 2 large skillets, kitchen scissors, a rubber spatula, a mixing bowl, and a sharp knife. Paper towels. A plate.

What you’ll need from the pantry: Salt, pepper, 3 eggs per burrito, sharp cheddar cheese (grated), bacon, and butter. Whole milk. Mission Carb Balance Whole Wheat Tortillas (one per burrito). For condiments, salsa, Tabasco sauce, and sour cream are a few recommendations.

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Using the kitchen scissors, cut the bacon into 1” pieces (three slices of cut up bacon per burrito). Toss the bacon chunks into one of the skillets. Cook at medium heat until they’re done to your liking.

Remove the bacon from grease. Place the cooked bacon on a paper towel lined plate.

Crack 3 eggs per burrito into the mixing bowl. Add a tablespoon of whole milk per 3 eggs that you’ve cracked. Add a little salt and a little pepper. Just a little.

Add a tablespoon of butter to your clean skillet. Heat to medium.

While the skillet is coming up to temperature, beat the eggs for 45-60 seconds. 60 seconds might seem like an eternity, but please do this. You’ll love me for it, really.

Add beaten eggs to the heated skillet.

When the center bubbles and appears to begin to cook, pull the eggs from the edges to the center with the rubber spatula.

Raw eggs will migrate to the edges. As the center cooks, repeat, pulling eggs from the edges to the center and then pushing outward.

Don’t chop them. Don’t stir them. For now, just do this. Edge to center. Edge to center.

When the eggs are cooked enough that they aren’t running to the edges any longer, flip them over in chunks, repeatedly (focus on any undercooked chunks). Don’t let anything sit for very long in one place.

When the eggs are cooked, but have a LITTLE sheen to them, remove the skillet from the heat. Continue flipping the eggs to prevent overcooking.

For future reference, this is the perfect scrambled egg. Sadly, we’re putting these perfectly cooked fuckers in a burrito.

*sigh*

Dump the eggs onto the plate beside your bacon.

Scrape the skillet semi-clean with the spatula. Return the skillet to medium heat.

Add 2 tablespoons butter to the skillet. Slice two more small chunks of butter but leave them with the stick of butter. Keep the butter close.

Add a liberal amount of grated sharp cheddar to the tortilla.

Assuming you’re cooking for 2, scrape half the eggs on top of the cheese, situating them in a big fat line. Add half the bacon on top of the eggs. Don’t mix it in with the eggs or try to do anything fancy, just put the bacon on top of the eggs in a somewhat orderly fashion.

Roll the tortilla into a fat fucking burrito, leaving the loose tortilla edges (seam) UP. If you did this right, it will also be bacon up.

Turn the skillet to just above medium (almost medium high).

Holding the burrito in a fashion that allow you to secure the 2 loose edges, place it in the skillet loose edges (seam) down, at the twelve o’clock position. Place the other burrito at six o’clock.

Cook each of them on this side for 3 minutes (or until the cooked edge is brown and crisp). Just before flipping them, add a small slice of butter at the three o’clock and nine o’clock position.

When flipping, slide your spatula beneath the burrito, being careful not to slide it between the seams. By now this side (the down side) of the burrito will be crispy, so it shouldn’t be difficult to lift without fucking it up.

Secure the burrito onto the spatula with your free hand.

Lift, and flip onto other side, placing one burrito at the three o’clock and one at the nine o’clock position.

Grill for another 3 minutes.

Remove, and place on a clean plate. Slice diagonally. Serve with condiments of choice.

Short of biscuits and gravy, this has to be the best breakfast, ever.

Enjoy.