Page 9 of Sex On A Plate

CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CREAM CHEESE FROSTING

DIFFICULTY: This isn’t difficult, but making the frosting look good is unnerving.

TIME: An hour by the time it’s all over.

What you’ll need from the cupboard: Parchment paper. 9” round cake pans. A saucepan. The cooling rack. A whisk. 3 mixing bowls. The electric mixer. 2 spoons. A frosting spreader. A rubber spatula. A pencil. Scissors. A nice decorative plate or platter. Or, if you have it, a cake pedestal with lid.

What you’ll need from the pantry: 3 eggs. 3-1/2 sticks of unsalted butter. 2 cups of flour. 2 8-ounce packages of Philadelphia Cream Cheese. 2-1/2 cups of powdered sugar. 1-1/2 teaspoons of baking soda. 3/4 teaspoon of baking powder. Salt. 2 cups of granulated sugar. Vanilla extract. 1/4 cup of whole milk.1/4 cup of heavy cream. 3/4 cup of cocoa powder. Pam Cooking Spray.

* * *

A few days prior to our birthday, my mother would lean into the opening of the kitchen’s door (she spent every waking moment in the kitchen) and ask us, “What cake would you like?” while we were watching television.

We were always given the option. My father, when asked, would cock an eyebrow and glare at my mother. “You know good goddamned well what I want.” Then, he’d look at us and grin. “Get ready for a slice of heaven.”

He was right. The two-layer cake he loved was heavenly. In my opinion, chocolate cake should only be frosted one way—with cream cheese frosting.

Let’s get started.

Set one cake pan on the parchment paper and trace the outline of the pan. Using the scissors, cut this outline out, making it 1/4 smaller (total) than what you’ve drawn. Using the one you’ve got cut out as a pattern, cut another.

Spray the inside of the pans thoroughly with Pam.

Place the parchment paper cut-outs in the bottom of each cake pan.

Set the cake pans aside.

In your saucepan, combine a 1/4 cup of milk with 1-1/4 cups of water. Bring to a quick boil and remove from heat immediately (before anything evaporates).

Set this aside.

Preheat oven to 350.

Dump the flour, baking soda, and baking powder into one of the mixing bowls. Whisk it until it’s mixed well.

Set this aside.

Grab the rubber spatula and your electric mixer.

Take bowl number two and add 1-1/2 sticks of unsalted (softened) butter. Use the electric mixer and beat it until it’s smooth. Scrape the sides with the rubber spatula to make sure there’s no unbeaten chunks. Add the 2 cups of granulated sugar a little at a time, beating it with the mixer as you add it.

Add the 3/4 cup of cocoa powder, a little at a time. Continue mixing at medium speed until mixed well.

Turn mixer to medium low. Add an egg. Mix well. Add another egg. Mix well. Add the last egg. Mix well.

Add the 2 cups of flour, a little at a time (1/2 cup at a time) to the batter mix, beating it at low speed as you’re adding it. This isn’t a time-consuming process that takes forever or anything, just a little precautionary measure to prevent clumps of flour (they’re the devil’s work in a chocolate cake).

Set the mixer aside but keep your rubber spatula handy.

You know what? Rubber spatulas are such fun. I may or may not have smacked Jessica’s ass with one a time or two. We weren’t in the kitchen, though.

Pahahaha.

Grab your saucepan, which is now hot, but not scalding. Add the milk-water mix to the cake batter, stirring with the rubber spatula as you pour it in. Scrape the side, making sure all is mixes well.

When it’s mixed well, pour it into the cake pans in steps. You don’t need to do it in steps for any reason other than making sure you don’t overfill one, and underfill the other. So, if you’ve got a keen eye, just dump the shit.

Use the spatula to scrape the excess out, making sure to keep things even between the pans. When they’re filled, place them in the oven and make note of the time.