Page 62 of Home Is Where You Are

She took a sip and closed her eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was to enjoy the taste or to give her more time to come up with the answers I longed to hear.

I waited for a beat. Then another. Then another.

It felt like time stood still, and I couldn’t breathe as I waited for her response.

It felt like a thousand minutes passed before she finally looked over at me.

Worry etched on her face as she opened her mouth then closed it. Like she struggled to find the right words.

“Can you listen to my entire answer before you say anythin’?” she asked as she worried her lip between her teeth. Her telltale sign that she was worried about my reaction to her response. She always did that years ago, and seeing her reaction, my heart rate quickened.

“Y-es,” I choked out.

“I don’t want to give you the short answers to those questions. I want to give you a thought-out response because I feel like you of all people deserve it. Before I came home, I wanted so desperately to find a job in Virginia, so I had a reason not to return.”

I tried to keep the expression on my face as neutral as possible as she took a long breath before she continued. I wasn’t sure if I succeed, but I still tried. She told me to wait for her to finish and I was trying so hard to follow through.

“Now that I’m back, I’m remembering why I love it here. I’m remembering why I wanted to go off to college to feel accomplished so I could come home and make this ranch the best it could possibly be. So, to answer your first question. Do I plan on staying? I’m leaning toward staying in Texas. My family is so happy I’m back home. I’m loving reconnecting with everyone and seeing how happy my parents are now that I’m home.”

She didn’t mention me, and I tried not to let that hurt. But it did. More than it should.

“I just don’t know what I want anymore. Do I see myself working on this ranch like you and my brothers? I can picture it. But on the other hand, I’m not sure if I want to see what else is out there. Is there something better out there where my heart would be just as happy? I don’t know. Everything I’ve applied to aside from one position has chosen another candidate, and that makes me feel like I have no other options but to work on the ranch, and I hate feeling like I’m saddled to be here. Leaving here helped me see what’s outside of this ranch. On one hand, I know that I could make a difference here, but on the other, I just want to keep my options open.”

She took another deep breath along with a sip of her coffee before she handed the cup back to me. Taking a bite of her food, she slowly chewed the bite of pancake before she continued.

I took a moment to let her answers sink in. I felt like she had one foot out the door. I only wanted happiness for her. Even if that happiness didn’t include me.

Closing my eyes, I thought long and hard about how to respond. I thought about how her answers made me feel. My heart longed to give her a reason to stay. To show her how much being here would make her happy. But I was hyper-focused on how she never once mentioned me in her confession. How I didn’t even rank as part of her reason for staying. And my head told me to cut my losses. To forgive her for leaving, but to not let her get close.

Right now, I wanted nothing but to pull her into my arms, but my wounded pride wouldn’t allow me.

I nodded and remained silent, because knowing me, if I responded right now, I would only say things that I didn’t mean. Words I couldn’t take back.

My fingers clutched the paper plate in my hand, and we ate the rest of our breakfast in silence. The food tasted like metal in my mouth, but I finished every bite because I needed to do something with my hands instead of shaking her and making her see what she just couldn’t yet.

She belonged here. But she had to realize that on her own.

After she finished her food, I took the plate from her and stood. I walked over and threw the plate into the trash can and busied myself with putting the lids back on the containers so I could take them back to the main house.

Her hand touched my shoulder, and I tensed.

I was in my head too much to talk to her right now. I pleaded to myself that she took the hint at my nonresponse and walked away.

“I’m sorry if what I said wasn’t what you wanted to hear. I just want to be as honest with you as possible. Hurting you was never my intention,” I heard her say but I remained standing with my back to her.

A few moments later I heard the door shut, and I turned toward the sound and screamed out my frustration.

I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I couldn’t have her this close and remain sane. I couldn’t have her this close and not have her with me.

I just needed to figure out if I would fight for her or allow her to walk away.

twenty-two

AINSLEIGH

I’d have loved nothing more than to stay there with Gentry for the rest of the day, but I got the impression that he needed his space after my confession.

My heart was so torn. I loved being back home. I loved helping on the ranch. I didn’t even know what I was fighting for anymore. I didn’t know if I wanted to find a job elsewhere or if I wanted to stay and fight for my rightful place on my family ranch. I’d never felt this conflicted before, and I loathed the feeling.