Page 63 of Home Is Where You Are

I disliked the not knowing of it all.

While I was away at college, I had every detail mapped out. The structure helped with the anxiety and being away from home. But if I looked into it further, ever since the loss of her, I needed the mundaneness of it all. Before losing her precious soul, I was spontaneous, loved making decisions on the fly, but now even thinking about being the old version of myself made my heart rate rise and my hands clammy.

I stopped walking when I got to the end of the path that led to the barn and looked down at my phone.

The date caused me to gasp.

How had I not realized that today was Bella’s birthday?

Tears welled in my eyes, and I didn’t stop them from falling.

I couldn’t break down here. Not when I had to potentially face my parents when I entered the house.

Without a second thought, I ran up the porch stairs and into the house.

No one was in sight which was a blessing.

I didn’t want them to stop me and make me explain the emotions that were clear on my face.

Quickly, I made my way through the house and up to my room. Throwing on a pair of shorts and an oversized baby doll shirt, I slid on a pair of flip flops and threw my hair in a messy bun.

I didn’t bother looking in the mirror, because where I was going no one would judge me for my attire.

I raced down the stairs and grabbed the keys to my SUV before I headed out the front door.

I stopped just as I took the first step down the stairs.

Gentry.

He’d been so nice to me this morning, making me breakfast and his intentions were so pure.

I had to go back and find him. We needed to remember this day together.

I raced around the side of the house, and ran the entire way to the barn.

Pulling the barn door back, I didn’t bother shutting it as I took the steps to the loft two at a time.

My breath heaved as I lifted my hand and knocked on the door.

When no answer came, I tried the doorknob and since it wasn’t locked, I let myself inside.

But Gentry was nowhere to be found.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed his number, frantic to find him so I we could be there for each other today.

Only he didn’t answer.

I let out a sigh and shook my head, mentally berating myself for everything I said this morning.

Gentry deserved my honesty, but he also deserved so much more from me than the indecisive answers I kept giving him. I needed to make up my mind.

I sent him a text letting him know that I wanted to talk to him, and let myself out of his room, making sure the door was shut behind me.

I wanted us to go here together, but I didn’t want to put off going. Before I could try and talk myself out of it, I walked in the direction of my Jeep.

Taking a deep breath once I got to my Jeep, I opened the door and climbed inside. My palms grew sweaty as the realization hit me on where I was heading. With shaky hands, I placed the key in the ignition and started the vehicle. I put the Jeep in reverse and backed out of the parking spot, coming to a stop once I faced the direction to go down the driveway. I could still turn around and go to my room.

But I didn’t.