Page 66 of Home Is Where You Are

“What do you want out of life? What are your dreams?”

His line of questioning shocked me because I wasn’t expecting him to ask them.

“I know where I saw my life heading. You’re not going to like what I’m about to say, though, but just listen before you respond, okay?”

He nodded and waited for me to continue.

“Honestly, I never saw myself coming back here. Aside from holidays and the occasional visit, I wanted to find my way and stay in Virginia. I wanted to find a career in marketing and business and just live a quiet life. But coming back here, seeing everyone again, being back on this ranch, I’m conflicted.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know if I can stay on the ranch. Everyone tiptoes around me. Facing the pain is so hard that I can’t breathe. I’m honestly shocked I had the courage to come to the cemetery today on my own.”

“You’ll never fully heal if you don’t face it, Ainsleigh. You have no idea how long it took me to heal. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I am, but I’d like to think I’m better than I used to be. You have no idea how long I blamed myself. How I wished I could’ve done more. I held you in my arms and thought we were going to lose you both. How I had nightmares and felt like I still had your blood on my arms. I’d wake up and jump in the shower and scrub at something that wasn’t there. That day haunted me for a long time.”

I never knew.

I should’ve known. I should’ve been here to help him through this. To help all of them through this. The way I knew they would’ve helped me.

Running did this.

Hearing his confession made me realize I couldn’t run from my grief any longer. I needed to fully heal. How I started that process, I wasn’t sure. Should I leave and lose my family again? I wanted to make more memories with them. No one was promised tomorrow, and I didn’t want to squander away any more time by merely existing and not living. Should I take my rightful spot on the ranch? Or should I forge my own path? Would any of those decisions aid in my healing? I wasn’t sure. I had a lot to think about. I knew just where to go to ask for direction, but I hadn’t sought his help in so long, I wasn’t sure he’d hear me.

“I’m so sorry, Holden. I didn’t know you went through all that. I was selfish. I was so stuck in my own grief, I didn’t consider anyone else’s. I’ll go back to a therapist. I know you’re right. I need to heal. It’s been too long, and I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, or what path I’ll choose, but I do know that I need to move past losing her. I just don’t want to forget her.”

“You’ll never forget her. She’ll always be a piece of you. You'll always find a way to carry her with you.”

Taking a deep breath, I decided to open up a little more, create an olive branch between us, and show him just how I’d carried her with me every day.

“I’ll always have a piece of her with me,” I admitted as I moved my foot from beneath my leg. In my haste to get here, I forgot to put on the concealer to hide my tattoos. Showing this tattoo to Holden before Gentry’d seen it felt wrong, but I needed my brother to know I had a piece of her with me, and maybe me revealing something of this magnitude would allow us to grow close again.

“Is that what I think it is?” he asked as he looked down in awe of the tattoo on my right foot. I placed my foot in his lap so he could get a better look. He traced every line with the tip of his finger as he took in the sight of her tiny footprint that was forever etched onto my skin.

“I wanted her footprint on my foot so she could always walk everywhere with me,” I admitted and turned around to show him the other tattoo on my shoulder.

I jumped at his soft touch as he took the tip of his finger again and traced the tattoo the same way he had before. He placed his hand on top of hers and let out a shaky breath. I let him have this moment as he grieved the niece he'd lost that fateful day.

I told him the same thing I did Gentry on how I wanted her to always guide me down the right path. I had a feeling the reason I’d been so conflicted about coming home was that my daughter’s spirit was somehow guiding me down a path that always led me back here. Back home to where I belonged.

“Your tattoos are beautiful. I’m glad you have those pieces of her with you. How did I not see them the other day?”

“Waterproof concealer. I’ve hidden them here out of habit, since I did so in college so I wouldn’t have to constantly explain them,” I confessed. Hearing my confession aloud made me regret not having shared my loss with my friends. Right then, I decided I wouldn’t hide it anymore. The start of my healing journey required me to be open about my daughter. And not hiding the pieces of her on my skin was a good way to start.

“You shouldn’t hide something so beautiful.”

“I’m not anymore. As of today, I’m wearing them proudly,” I admitted with a smile. The first honest smile that’d graced my lips in the past four years.

“What’s going on with you and Gentry? And don’t lie to me, baby sis. I see the way y’all look at each other when you think no one’s looking,” Holden said, changing the subject with a laugh.

“You’re all about getting me to confess things today, aren’t you?” I joked as I pushed his shoulder. Thankful for the reprieve of discussing my emotions.

He pretended my push was harder than it was and fell to the ground, acting wounded.

“That’s what older brothers are here for.”

“If I tell you something you cannot, under any circumstances, repeat it. Got it?” I warned.

“Scout’s honor.” Only he wasn’t a boy scout. Far from it.