Page 67 of Home Is Where You Are

I took my chances and confessed it anyway.

“I’ve been harsher to him than I should’ve been. We have these moments that feel like the past four years didn’t happen. And then I wake up and go back to being guarded because I don’t want to give him false hope. I still love him. God, do I still love that man. I’ve never stopped, but I can’t break his heart again. I can’t promise him forever when I’m still not a hundred percent sure I’ll stay. I know I’ll end up here, where I belong, but he deserves for me to be one hundred percent all in, and I can’t give him that just yet.”

Wow. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Getting that out felt like such a huge relief. I felt lighter than I had in four years.

“I figured you still loved him, and to be honest, I warned him against starting things over with you when you got home because I didn’t want you to have any reason to leave again. If you’re not sure what your plans are, don’t string him along. It took him a long time to heal when you left. If you decide to stay, and you decide you want to be with him and give him your all, I’ll be happy for you both,” he responded. When we were younger, he hated that Gentry and I were an item at first, because he didn’t want to lose his friend. But as time wore on and he realized he wouldn’t lose Gentry, he accepted our relationship, even if he did razz Gentry from time to time.

“I’ll figure out where I want my life to go soon. I won’t hurt him again. He means too much to me to do that to him a second time.”

We both stood and looked down at Arabella’s headstone. He placed his hand on top of the marble and whispered a few words then stepped back, allowing me a moment with my daughter.

I knelt and closed my eyes, saying a little prayer for her before I kissed the top of the headstone.

“I’ll never forget you, sweet girl. Mommy loves you with everything that I am.”

I took one last look at her name on the headstone before I turned and walked back to my Jeep where Holden was waiting for me, leaning against the back of his truck.

“You okay to drive back home?” he asked, concern etched on his face.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. And Holden,” I said as I reached out to grab his hand.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for today. Thank you for being there for me when I thought I needed to do this alone. Thank you for helping me realize so many things that I needed help deciding. You’re the best brother a girl could ask for,” I said, holding back tears. He’d never know just how much I'd needed him today.

“Anytime, baby sis. I’ll always be here for you. No matter how much of a pain in the ass you can be,” he joked as he ruffled the bun on top of my head.

We both laughed as we walked away, him getting in his truck and me getting in my SUV.

I started the vehicle, and rested my head against the back of the seat, as I let out a long breath.

I had so many decisions to make, but thanks to Holden, I felt like I knew where my future was meant to be. Now I just needed to figure out how to make the dreams I had for myself a reality.

twenty-three

AINSLEIGH

On the drive back to the ranch, I mustered up the courage to pray. I wasn’t sure what to say, and I knew I’d be a bit rusty, but even if the right words didn’t come, He’d know.

Tears fell as I poured my heart out about all my inner turmoil and asked God for guidance.

As I was finished, I felt lighter. Freer than I had in a very long time.

A peace settled over me that hadn’t been there in four years.

I knew just what I had to do.

I was going to find a therapist. Continuing down the path of bottling up my emotions wasn’t healthy. I needed help with processing the loss of my daughter. And I wasn’t afraid to admit that now. I was ready to heal and move forward with my life.

I was also going to talk to Gentry. Really talk to him. Not placate him with answers that avoided any type of pain. I’d dig deep and lay it all on the line.

He didn’t have to comfort me when I returned home. He didn’t have to try to help me through our shared grief. He didn’t even have to be nice to me. His actions and reactions to my return left me puzzled because I felt like he should hate me. I hated myself.

I hated the person staring back in the mirror most days. For hurting Gentry by leaving the way I did. For hurting my family by not staying in Texas for college and not coming home on breaks and holidays. I had a lot to make up for. But I was ready to put in the work. I wanted to get closer to my brothers. I wanted to make memories with my parents who wouldn’t be here forever. And the part of my heart that I pushed back in a box knew it found its home the moment I saw Gentry at that airport.

I was ready to fight for my life. For the dreams I secretly longed to make a reality.

I was tired of running away from those I loved.