Page 81 of Home Is Where You Are

My heart is shattered, and I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t be here. I can’t stand the whispers and the pity across everyone’s face. I hate how people stop talking when I enter the room. I hate how much I hate the place that shaped me. Losing Bella broke me, and I don’t know how to fix the broken pieces. The only solution I can think of is to leave. Everywhere I turn, there are reminders of her, and my heart can’t take it.

I love you more than anything in this world, but I don’t have the courage to tell you that I’m leaving. I can’t face seeing how much my leaving will break your heart. I want you to know that I’m sorry for ending things with you this way. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep her alive long enough where she’d be here with us now. I know you’ll hate me for this, and I want you to know it’s okay. Hate me. Because you’ll never hate me as much as I hate myself for breaking the one thing in this world I never wanted to break. I want you to have the best life even though it won’t be with me. Live your life to the fullest and find someone who can love you the way I’ll always love you. You’ll always be my greatest love story and one I wished didn’t have to end.

All my love,

Ainsleigh

Reading this back to myself, I realized what a horrible person I was for leaving him. This whole letter was about me. My pain. My feelings. Even though I thought I was doing the best thing at the time, I could’ve handled my leaving so much better than just leaving him a one page letter.

I didn’t deserve someone like Gentry. Not after what I’d put him through. My need to talk with him grew with each passing second.

Pulling my phone out of my back pocket, I texted him that I wanted to meet at the confession tree. We could talk here, but I couldn’t break tradition. Everyone in my family always had meaningful conversations at that tree, and this might be the most meaningful one I'd have to date.

Can you meet me at the confession tree? I need to talk to you.

My stomach growled, but I ignored it. My need to talk to him was stronger than my need for food.

The message was delivered and then said read.

Three dots appeared on the screen and then disappeared.

My palms grew sweaty as I waited for him to respond.

Three dots appeared again and stayed.

Anxiety bloomed in my gut as I waited for his response.

My phone vibrated in my hand.

Gentry: On my way

I raced out of the room and toward the tree. I had to get everything off my chest no matter how much it hurt. I loved my cowboy, and hopefully after this conversation he’d tell me the same.

I ran the whole way. I leaned over and put my hands on my knees as I tried to slow my breathing.

The sound of the ATV caused me to jump and turn around quickly. I brought my hand to my eyes to ward off the setting sun.

Gentry pulled the ATV beside the tree, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. My heart raced at the sight of him and beat even faster at the words I was about to say.

He hopped off the ATV and walked over to me, standing in front of me and all the words I’d thought to say evaporated.

Gentry held out his hand and gestured for us to sit against the tree. Shaking my head, I broke my train of thought off how handsome he looked in his jeans and white Courtright Ranch T-shirt with a cowboy hat on his head.

We sat in front of the tree facing each other.

“You wanted to talk?”

He sounded worried as he looked at the ground and back up to me several times.

I grabbed the hand that toyed with the grass and rubbed my thumb across the top, trying to gather my thoughts, but also because I wanted to ease his pain. Sparks ignited in my fingertips the moment my hand grabbed his. I hoped that never changed.

“I’m sorry,” I began as I looked at him, but his gaze still lingered on the ground.

“For?”

He was making me work for it as he had every right.

“Do you have all night? Because it might take me that long to go over the list,” I said, a hint of nervous laughter in my tone as I tried to lighten the mood.