Page 82 of Home Is Where You Are

He didn’t laugh. He kept his gaze trained on the hand that toyed with the grass beneath our legs.

I wanted him to look at me. I needed him to look at me.

I gave a gentle squeeze to the hand he allowed me to hold.

Only then did he give me his eyes. Sadness was all I saw as he stared back at me waiting for me to get this conversation started.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for never coming back home on breaks. I’m sorry for you grieving the loss of our daughter alone the past four years. There’s so much I’m sorry for, but those are the top reasons. I found the letter I left you in your nightstand, and it made me realize even more than I already had how selfish and heartless I was. You never deserved any of that, Gentry. You deserved so much more than a selfish eighteen-year-old heartbroken me,” I hiccupped as the tears started.

I couldn’t mess this up. I had to get everything out in the open.

He went to speak, but I cut him off. I had to finish my train of thought or I never would.

“Ever since I’ve returned, you’ve been nothing but kind and supportive. But I made everything about me, and you let me. I hate myself for leaving you and hurting you the way I did. You were never far from my mind the whole time I was away. The longer I was gone, the harder it was to come back because I was scared you’d left without any trace. I couldn’t think about returning to Haven Valley to find you gone. What I never expected was finding you here once I returned. I have no right to even ask you, but can you forgive me?”

His eyes never left mine the whole time I spoke. Tears flowed freely down his face as I waited with bated breath for him to respond.

“I was angry at you for leaving. I hated that you couldn’t heal while you were here. I hated that I had no one here with me anymore. I was in such a limbo until your dad found me and offered me a place here. It took me a long time to heal from losing our baby girl. It’s still hard if I’m honest. But I never healed from losing you. I forgave you a long time ago, but my heart never moved on from you, Ainsleigh Courtright.”

His confession caused my heart to pound. He still loved me after all this time.

“But, Ainsleigh, you need to heal from our loss. What you’re doing and how you’ve been dealing isn’t healing.”

“I know,” I managed to say as my lip trembled.

Even after I’d hurt him, he still put me first.

“I made a therapy appointment today. They could fit me in, in a couple of weeks. I had a long conversation with Holden the other day. I made some decisions after that conversation.”

Here went nothing. I had no idea how he’d react to hearing that I planned to stay.

“What decisions?” He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, his teeth clamped down as he waited for me to respond.

“I need to go back to therapy and give it my all. The way I’ve handled Bella’s death isn’t healthy, and I want to be the best version of myself.”

Talking with him like this also helped heal another part of me that I didn’t know needed healing. We’d always been able to have long conversations or be in complete silence with each other. Getting this out in the open felt like I finally could move forward in my life instead of living in fight or flight mode like I had been the past four years.

“Anything else?”

Here went nothing.

“I’m staying in Texas. I don’t want to miss any more moments with my family. I can’t keep running from the pain of losing her. I need to feel it. I need to be around the people who matter the most to me and lean on them while I’m on my healing journey. This ranch is my home. Texas is where I belong.”

Admitting that out loud felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Hope filled Gentry’s eyes as he stared back at me. I wanted the same hope to fill my expression, but his reaction and his words that followed would determine if that was possible.

“You’re staying?”

“I am,” I confessed with a slight grin on my face.

I couldn’t imagine living back in Virginia after spending the past few days with my family. While spending my last few days with him.

Gentry’s mouth opened and closed several times as he processed my confession.

He unlinked our fingers, worried his hands together, and looked to the ground and back up at me. He wanted to ask me something, but he stalled. It was like pulling teeth to get what he thought out of him sometimes.

“What?” I asked, gently giving him a nudge to tell me what he was thinking.